I am beginning to feel that some of the problems I am having raising my children are due to not having any family close by. There is nothing to be done for this...but I try to visualize what my childhood with my dad would have been like without the huge extended family we had, which included my mother's family, who stepped in to help when she took off. I don't know if he could have done it. I don't know how we would have fared. No grandparents, no aunts and uncles? No great grandparents or cousins or family friends? Incomprehensible. I cannot imagine that...but aside from my sister and brother in law, and family who comes to visit from back east, that is the reality for my kids.

My sister and her family are visiting. It is great to see them all...and man, have we been doing a lot of cooking! I've been eating almost as much per meal as I would usually eat in an entire day (if you don't count the chocolate). It's so nice to have and to be around family, although perhaps one appreciates family more when interaction is a choice. And it was also good motivation for cleaning the kitchen and living room area really well; it looks very nice. Also, my brother got married recently, and apparently his wife, (I believe she is a forester?) asked for art relating to trees... I am in luck here! Was feeling fairly sheepish about not being able to afford to buy her anything, so this is a relief. I will give her my best effort. Because they live on the other side of the country, I don't see my family very often (except for my full sister, who live in Moscow). I haven't seen my brother in years, since he was in his early teens and I haven't met his new bride. She looks like she has a kind heart, like she adores him, and very much down to earth.

Anyway, nothing deep to write about tonight...need to hit the sack.

I feel sad tonight. However there is no point in worrying because when I think about it, how on earth could this situation get much worse? I suppose it could...but really, there is nothing I can do about it. And that's what is so frustrating. Unlike many women, I am not content to simply gripe and bitch, I want to fix the problem. Griping and bitching is for when I can't fix it or am trying to find out how to fix it. Ha.

Anyway...I have to move in a month, so have been trying to pare down stuff to what we truly enjoy. It is so hard to shake off the subsistence "this is still usable!" mentality. If I am not using it, it is not usable to me, so it is only taking up space. I should reduce the number of books we have....alas, this is painful despite the sheer mass and weight they comprise. It is much easier to eliminate excess clothing since I only wear a few favorite items repeatedly anyway! If it is not something that I am happy to see in the drawer, something that gets reached for regularly, it goes. The children's books are one category that should be gone through though, with the children. Also there is a lot of sci-fi that is not going to get read... All the extra stuff just makes more cleaning and detracts from stuff that I would like to see and time with which to do more enjoyable things (like bitching and griping online, lol).

What else...oh yes: I get to go to the Pacific Northwest Quaker Women's Theology Conference. There are a few details (what to do with my son, dogs, and goldfish while I am gone) to wrap up, otherwise it looks like a go.

I need to try to quit writing depressing stuff. This bible verse has been rolling around in my mind for the past day or two...I think it might be from the book of Job: "That which I feared has come upon me". I don't think one needs to believe in a literal interpretation of the bible or to think it is divinely inspired in order to find value in it here and there. As ancient literature, some of what is in there is timeless and relates to all people regardless of faith. Let's see....I'll find it..

"For the thing which I greatly feared has come upon me, and that which I was afraid of has come unto me" (Job 3:25)

Honestly, that seems to be the story of my life. I think then of the philosophy espoused by some of my friends who are into New Age stuff, about how you visualize the stuff you want, believe in it, act as if it's going to happen, and it comes true. Sounded as if it were spoken by a scam artist ready to deliver a pitch to buy his book or attend his educational seminar to change! your! life!, so I pretty much discounted it. I've always thought that to get what you want, you have to visualize it, map out your goals into a step by step format, and then start working on it, trying not to get discouraged by setbacks. Notice how the people who say this sort of thing are always wanting to sell you on the things most desired and most difficult to get. The perfect (fill in the blank multiple times). Televangelists are another place where you see those wild promises without a guarantee.

However...I think that in this case, there made be some validity to this idea. Maybe when we get all wrapped up in and paranoid over what we're afraid of, it comes upon us not because of some sort of inscrutable unseen mystical law, but because we are unwittingly doing things to cause it to happen. Why would we do that? Why? Maybe because by focusing on what we are afraid of rather than what we would like to happen instead, our behavior is such that we act as if it is about to happen or already has. Until...it does. When small tremors of the dreaded thing or event start up, we hone right in on those. It gets worse. Then it happens and we're horrified and we say to ourselves, "I knew it! I knew this would happen! This is just what I was afraid of!" (At least, that's what I say to myself, while beating myself over the head for my stupidity in letting whatever it was happen to me).

Another example: I am phobic of snakes. I don't hate them, but they frighten me badly. I will freak over a dirty rope in the grass, or a black hose, or a curvy stick on a hiking trail. It is embarrassing. A rustle in the grass? Snake! So when we go hiking, or if I'm in a garden or anywhere where there is any chance of seeing a snake and I am accompanied by several boys who would love to play with a snake or at least see one, who do you think sees the most snakes, and sees them first? Yeah, me. I see more snakes than any person I know. This is because unlike the others, I am hyper-vigilant about snakes and they are never far from my mind. Rocks and boulders on a sunny day when the ground is still warm? Might be snakes out sunning themselves. My eyes and senses are highly attuned to exactly the sorts of places that a snake might be at any given time. Meanwhile, I don't get to see nearly as many spiders or bees or wasps as folks who are afraid of them, and that makes me kind of sad.

So my job is to quit hyper-focusing on stuff I am afraid of, on things that hurt, on looking for tiny, miniscule signs of impending pain, rejection, etc. I need to stop thinking that way.

Nothing eventful. Busy day, too much drama, didn't feel like much of a day off. I am doing better in the life drawing class; used the MP3 player and let my mind fly with the music while I drew. This had much better, less uptight results than usual. There is about one minute of "Shine on You Crazy Diamond" that is just superb; when it plays in my head via memory it just repeats that minute or two...screaming, wailing guitars....Being a perseverating sort of person, I don't really get tired of it, particularly since one has to listen to at least 14 minutes of the song before that part. Anyway. The model we had this time (and last week as well) has such graceful hands and a very interesting but somewhat difficult to draw face. She always holds her hands very gracefully, too. Too bad I'm no good at drawing hands yet! Since almost anyone is willing to let you draw their hands or feet without awkwardness, this isn't much of an issue. No idea who we get to draw next week.

Having a very hard time coming up with any variety in terms of decent things to eat when not at home. Mostly have been eating nuts (primarily hazelnuts and almonds- sometimes toast the hazelnuts- no salt added), kale chips (a bit spendy), chocolate, dried fruit (sparingly and it has to be unsweetened which is often not easy to find), occasionally a little cheese or fresh fruit.

Ideas:

• Trail mix with beef or buffalo jerky, nuts, maybe sunflower or pumpkin seeds and small amounts of dried fruit or berries. NO peanuts or raisins!!
• Kale chips, made at home.
• Vegetable chips or chunks, dried. For example, slices of seasoned and cooked, then dried winter squash or sweet potato. There are veggie chips available commercially but usually they are deep fried like potato chips.
• Dried smoked salmon
• A mix of toasted and seasoned (with nutritional yeast?) nuts and seeds. Again, no peanuts!

Son and his dog at the top of Mickinnick. He took pictures of me as well, but some people are just not photogenic. At least, I hope that's the case and that I don't always look so dorky!

This is a Lomatium dissectum. For the sake of context, I've been looking for a "chocolate lomatium" (common name) for years, unsuccessfully. I have seen them in leaf and in seed, but never in bloom, so this was very exciting. I might go back to get a few seeds (just a few) later on. When I was a botany major, Lomatiums were of special interest. There is still a lot to be learned about them, especially in terms of classification.

Mickinnick trail is totally different in the summer compared to winter, particularly at the top. The last time I saw the last half mile, it looked as if it were just an undulating expanse of snow punctuated by occasional trees and rocks. Apparently I was walking on top of all sorts of fairly large shrubs and lightweight trees (alders) without even realizing it. We (son + dogs) had a good long hike. Once we can do this with a minimum of fatigue or soreness (easily in other words), the plan is to switch to more challenging hikes such as Scotchman's Peak, Beehive Lakes, etc. Went to Lost Lake last Sunday. Man, what a letdown that was (picture a giant mud puddle, a couple of feet deep, tan, muddy color). Next time we go somewhere new, I will google for it first to get a general idea of the desirability of said hike. There was an affordable and highly interesting place for rent at the Eureka Center, and the Eureka Center also has potential work, so looking for Eureka Rd was part of Sunday's mission, but we never did find it. After looking it up and seeing just how much farther than Lost Lake it is...no freaking way! Not sure if it's still for rent anyway, but living in a yurt sounded fun (until winter maybe?). We found some really cool plants on Mickinnick, will post pictures tomorrow.

Tried a small amount of wheatgrass juice while being trained how to make it. It tasted more or less like what I would expect if I squeezed out a bunch of fresh grass clippings. I eat spinach, kale, and other broad leaved plants. If I were meant to consume grass, I'd have four stomachs and a tail! :-/

Should hike before blogging, not after. Fresh air and exercise always helps. :-)

This is really difficult. I know the things that need to be done, that I need to apply my energies toward, but find myself so debilitated sometimes, then feel like a failure, which isn't exactly conducive towards progress. But...I passed the class with an A, and now will attempt the math class again...maybe. Small goals. I know- I will write a to-do list/goal list. This has worked really well in the past when I felt overwhelmed. You write down goals and then break them down into manageable steps, and if necessary, those into smaller, daily steps.

My manager's been changing my hours around like crazy, and in my typical aspiness, this drove me nuts, mostly because it was change. I have been bitching and griping about it for the past week and a half. However...I realized tonight that I much prefer the shift she has switched me to. It is calmer, quieter, has much less exposure to the guy who is triggering rage, and there are very few co-workers around on this shift. I know about closing already from my prior job; it's essentially the same thing with different details. I think that if only I could get her to reduce the days per week that I'd be working, so as to have one day per week free for appts, etc, I will actually prefer this shift greatly to the one that I had.

Also it would allow me time in the day to go hiking with the dogs before work...as I did today. I saw three garter snakes on the trail in the space of an hour! I don't wish them any harm but seeing them always scares me. Maybe I'm afraid of inadvertently stepping on one and having it try to bite me. :-/ If I get an earlier start, before the rocks are warm, there won't be so many of them sunning themselves.

Sad. I will keep swimming, swimming, struggling...upstream. But what assurance do I have that when the end of this time has elapsed, I will not find myself confronted with the cold, unbreachable wall of a dam? I don't. There's not really any hope and I am exhausted already....but still, I must swim on, because what else is there to do?

But even when things are very dark, when I feel broken, I think of some of the funny things you've said and can't help laughing or at least smiling.

I got an A in my Abnormal Psych class!! Yay! :-) This has brought my GPA up to a 2.97... I think it needs to be 3.0 to get off of academic probation, but I'm not sure. 3 hundredths away, really? Still, I'm very happy to have gotten an A rather than a B!

I just bought more tomato, kale and lettuce plants than I have containers to plant them in...

Terribly grateful to the librarian who tipped me off as to how to get in there, employment wise: you work as a volunteer first. I spend sizable amounts of time there anyway.

Have been thinking....perhaps the reason that guy doesn't like me is that for all practical purposes, I am not interested in men. You are the exception; I have no idea whether I would find them attractive if I didn't feel the way I do. In any case the end result is the same- I am a single woman who doesn't treat men with deference and as potential mates. If I find them decent and worthy of respect, then I treat them with respect and am friendly. I do occasionally check out women...fleetingly. Maybe these things show and he dislikes me for them.

The simple truth is that I'm a bad employee. I don't handle interpersonal conflict well, particularly when it doesn't get handled and I am expected to just deal with it.

I don't know...I did well enough when I worked at the library at the college. I was fast, loved my work, was meticulous about it, and being perfectionist about it was normal among my co-workers. In fact, several of them were worse than I was about that. And I loved the categorizing aspect of it.

I guess that right now I feel that I am not good for anything or anyone and that really hurts.

Blue, but I somehow got through another day of work without getting fired. I need to find another job, stat.

Found the paleo blog I had mentioned previously: here

No legumes. Huh. That, I did not know. And I should probably eat more meat. Thinking...what did I eat yesterday? A handful of toasted hazelnuts, a latte, a roasted eggplant, half a dark chocolate bar, an orange, 2 slices of munster cheese, a ginger ale (bad girl! But I was stressed/upset and felt a bit queasy, so it was sort of a pre-emptive ginger ale), guacamole with blue corn chips. I roasted some yams and sweet potatoes but then was too full to eat them after the eggplant...meant to have one for breakfast today but forgot, alas. Yes, that is right- I will eat cold roasted sweet potatoes for breakfast. In fact, truth be told I will eat them in hand right from the skin, sort of like a banana...not when people might be looking though!! If only rutabagas were tasty cold and could be eaten from the skin like that.... And..no green veggies yesterday? Need to find a way to take green veggies with me to town; maybe some salad in a container. The thing is that I don't like lettuce much, so it would have to be spinach, kale and other things...

It is becoming harder and harder to keep my job. My hours have been switched from 5 hours, 3 days a week to 4 hours, 3 days a week and now is changing to 3 hours, 4 days a week. The cost of gas to travel to and from work will eat up at least half of paycheck- that is only to and from work, not driving anywhere else. Worse, working 4 days a week will mean that I have to come to work immediately after my therapy, trauma therapy. I could try to reschedule the therapy, but there is the added problem of losing on of the two vital days on which I attend to various medical, therapy and other appointments for the children and myself. Frankly, those two days aren't quite enough but I attempt to confine appointments to them. Yes, there are a lot of appointments. Welcome to the world of early intervention, getting your kids the services they need, and basic parenting.

More than that, there is a male co-worker who seems to be of the women-are-chattel mentality. He treats me as if I'm his own personal bitch, to order around, criticize, and demean. I haven't survived a lifetime of that sort of thing to put with it from him and I'm not taking it. He walks around like a Neanderthal, hulking and glowering at me. He never asks anything nicely, doesn't say thank you, he's just so rude! If it weren't for that single patch of blue, in a sky full of dark clouds, shimmering in my mind like a mirage...he is so awful that he triggers all the old stuff and almost makes me forget that not all men are knuckle dragging bullies.

I don't think he realizes, don't know if anyone there sees, that I'm like a stick of dynamite, pent up with pain, outrage, hurt and anger...and this guy is flinging matches at me constantly. It takes all the self control I have and the MP3 player, not to blow up on him. It is so hard to remember that he didn't inflict all that stuff on me, because he feels like exactly the sort of man who would. I wish he would leave me alone and just attempt to be civil. Oh, wait: they don't teach men that in northern Idaho. Ugh!

I feel like such a poor representative of what a Quaker is supposed to be, non-Theist or not.

How, how am I supposed to live without the thought of you in my mind?

My new doctor is into the Paleo diet thing. He has a website about this...haven't looked it up quite yet. This is the general direction my eating habits have been heading anyway, although I still have issues with some of the premises behind the idea while agreeing with many of the conclusions (yes, backwards, I know).

I don't profess to be a botany expert. I know a fair amount about edible plants, plants I have grown and would like to grow and some about the native plants here...not nearly enough about any of these. So without meaning to sound like a snob...several people I have met who are either into this sort of thing or are uber-health foody (which is to say, even more extreme than I am, which is saying something), don't seems to know beans about botany and basic plant family trees. This would be OK if they weren't striking a lot of foods off their lists of acceptable items based on mistaken relation status. For example, despite the names, coffee beans and cocoa beans are in no way legumes, despite being called beans. Buckwheat is a dicot, while wheat and all true grains are monocots. So yes, buckwheat is gluten free and not a grain, and neither is amaranth or quinoa. Not sure about teff- I'll have to find out. These are all seeds which are used as grains. To explain further, all plants which grow from seeds (i.e. not ferns, mosses, liverworts, etc) can be classified as either monocot or dicot. Monocots have one seed leaf, dicots have two. This is the most basic differentiation before you proceed any farther on keying a plant out. Monocots and dicots have a lot of differences, but basically, all grains are monocots, as are all plants of the lily family, Liliaceae, including for example onions and garlic and daffodils. Pine trees are monocots as well. When in doubt, look at the leaves: monocots always have parallel leaf veins (example, tulips) whereas dicots have more of a webbed or branching pattern on the leaves, (maple leaves). Buckwheat is from the family Polygonaceae and is closely related to sorrel and rhubarb- all dicots. So when people say that buckwheat has gluten because it's related to wheat....well, it just makes my brain want to cry.

That rant aside (sorry!)....not very long ago, many of the same plants we eat hadn't been bred for the kind of size that we are accustomed to today. Fruits in particular were smaller, probably many of the root crops were as well. What this means is that if one were to eat a pound of apple today and a pound of apple 400 years ago, the pound of apple in the past would have quite a lot more skin and fiber in proportion to pulp. The same is likely true of anything else we would eat the peels or fiber of. When you must eat 5 apples to equal one the size found in stores today, there is going to be a lot more peel but also far more of whatever nutrients are in or just under the peel. By breeding for maximum size in vegetables, we've been depriving ourselves of both fiber and vitamins and god only knows what else. We could eat exactly the same amounts of roughly the same food as someone ate a thousand years ago and we are not going to be getting the same things from it, even if it's been grown very conscientiously. Our plant foods have changed dramatically in the last 200 years alone. I don't know that it's possible to replicate what was eaten a very, very long time ago. The plants are simply not the same unless we go back to the ancient, primitive forms. This concerns me. By overbreeding our food so that it can be high graded, are we making colon cancer (and god knows what else) more likely? Is there any practical way to determine what was actually eaten in ancient times and whether our modern equivalent is at all comparable to it?

Long day. Stress. Going to start applying at other places, places more conducive to a calm and unworried state of mind.

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Edited to change "clam" to "calm". A clam state of mind, eh? Haha, I suppose that'd be relatively calm..

My turn to draw tonight instead of being drawn. I am so out of practice, it's embarrassing. Still, I ended up with one drawing that was reasonably decent. Nothing worthy of being hung, by any means, but considering an almost total lack of experience figure drawing....

Reflections:

• I was surprised at how shy/embarrassed I felt about drawing the model. When I was modeling, I felt so exposed at first, so vulnerable...it was really a struggle...but I reminded myself that this was art, that many artists had modeled in their student years. I thought of Georgia O'Keeffe. It didn't really occur to me that it might be almost as awkward for the artists who were drawing me!
• The person I was drawing wasn't someone I would ever consider attractive. I love the form of the male body and actually find it most interesting than the female form, but for whatever reason, looking at and drawing some random guy would not have been my choice of subject matter. Maybe it's that I have a generalized rejection/stay away/and don't even think about sex! thing going for nearly all men right now. In any case, I confess that I did not at first respect and appreciate our model.
• However, as I worked that began to change. I know that it's hard to be there under the spotlight with all your flaws exposed. Also, I began to notice that feet and hands really are attractive body parts, but very difficult to do justice to. I can't seem to keep fingers from looking like shapeless sausages. :-/Luckily I can draw my own feet, or my children's feet or hands for practice.
• And...the human body is so vulnerable looking! Even on a man, the angles and muscles are offset by the softness of the belly...it's like this amazing juxtaposition of strength and vulnerability blending into one another seamlessly. I have come to the conclusion that the human body, any human body, is beautiful, sacred and to be honored and respected. Prior to tonight I would probably have said that everyone has beautiful bones, that our organs and physiology and cells and inner workings are beautiful, but the outer form, not so much for the majority of us. Certainly some forms are probably more appealing than others...but there is something precious about the human body that is common to us all.
• ...including mine. I should take better care of it. More to the point though, all too often it hasn't been treated with the sort of respect and kindness it deserved by people who claimed to love me. I don't know if I'll have a partner at some future point in time but if I do, that person will have to honor and respect me, not treat me like a living object. I am not ever tolerating that again. Because what I saw today is that we don't have to be drop dead gorgeous to possess a beauty in our own right, to have worth. One doesn't have to have that elusive perfection in order to be worthy of appreciation, to be lovable.
• After all, haven't I said before, so many times already, that what makes us unique and irreplaceable are our weaknesses, our little flaws, quirks and variances? Otherwise everyone would have to be generic in order to have value and that's just silly (and so boring).

It occurs to me that I might be idealizing my new dog a little bit. That I tend to idealize anything or anyone new which looks like something or someone which seems to hold promise for positive future interactions, hopes, etc. That sometimes, I idealize a lot.

Also it occurs to me that this might be a natural and healthy part of bonding or hmmm...what would be the word to use here when this phenomenon is applied to non-living things such as an activity which has just been started in. I think that this period of what I would call intense interest is necessary in order to overcome setbacks, particularly early on when they would be the most discouraging and likely to result in a cessation of the activity or association with the person, animal or plant etc.

What brings this to mind is a documentary I watched today on mammals and mothering. A variety of animals and various mothering strategies and styles were shown. Some animals involve only mother-offspring bonding, others have mother-father-offspring bonding, while others have various forms of community bonding which may or may not include close (first degree) relatives of the offspring. The commonality for all these is that whoever bonds with that offspring, whether we are looking at a group of elephant matriarchs, a species of mice in which the father mothers the offspring in almost every way he can short of nursing them, a group of vicunas, or various simple mother-child pairs, the ones who bond undergo this period of enthrallment. They are fascinated by the newborn. They caress, stare, smell, lick, reach out to it. Almost all of their attention is devoted to this new arrival and in animal societies with group bonding, the group clusters around the new mother and her baby.

This is as it must be. Think of what a pain a newborn is, what a toll it exacts and for animals, how much of their own safety the mother and caregivers is endangered by having something so small and defenseless and not nearly fast enough to keep up. Human parents undergo serious sleep deprivation for the first year or two and then have to invest at least a decade and a half of their life until that child is anywhere close to being able to support itself even partway. Would they do that if they hadn't looked at that red, crying, squirming, helpless creature and decided it was the most perfect thing they'd ever laid eyes on? Probably not.

Done with the FAFSA. Although my GPA will have come up by taking this class (failed it last spring), I don't know that it will be improved enough to get financial aid again, but it's worth a try. What I should do is to take summer classes. They are cheaper. It is highly tempting to sign up for the same old math class that I can't seem to pass...but without knowing what out situation will be like over the summer, why risk wasting the money? That class requires extensive computer time, which is why I failed it in the fall of 2010...and spring 2011...well, if I didn't pass the Abnormal Psych class, I sure as hell couldn't pass the math class.....

So for the summer, Western Art History...failed that one in 2010 when I couldn't get to college anymore. God, this is depressing to think about...but replacing the F's with A's and B's should not only remedy the situation, albeit gradually, but then I won't have those failing grades haunting me, mocking me, anymore. Depending on what classes I'd need for the 4 year degree, I could Developmental Psychology this summer. That wouldn't replace any bad grades (have never taken it before) but except for Western Art and the math class, there aren't any classes I can take over the summer that would.

I think about my son, some of the accusations he made. I can see now clearly that he was just manipulating, making drama, making stuff up with no thought to what the costs to innocent parties might be. At the time I simply didn't care what he said, it didn't alter my opinion of you. But looking at it from other angles...had his claims been taken seriously, the consequences could have been bad. And then I wonder what on earth he said or will say about me, what he might try next, how he might try to exploit a situation that's already unpleasant enough.

Done (I think) with the abnormal psych class. I should get at least a B out of it. Trying to decide what to do for the Fall semester. If I'm going to go for a 4 year psych degree and learn how to do PLAY therapy for example...I need to first do some research, possible job shadowing, and figure out what is required academically and how to transfer to the other college.

Realistically I don't think I can make a living doing art, at least not right away, definitely cannot support myself with my current job, can't farm without at least being able to lease land and significant input before a profit would be realized. I loved this kind of work before and was pretty upset when it didn't work out due to scheduling conflicts and other issues....and not liking the way the agency I worked for was treating the clients...or me. I don't typically have a lot of problems with one on one social interactions, particularly with people I can relate to in some way. So it bears at least some looking into, because medical stuff typically requires chemistry and advanced math. I still miss some of the people I used to work with...other than farm work, it was the most personally satisfying job I've had. On the other hand, I cannot afford to invest two more years of school into this and have it not pan out...I need to be really sure about this before jumping into it.

A picture of Hamilton and I...we're both blurry and it doesn't show his true appeal, but still, that's him.

I am beginning to worry though, about his hips. 25% of Newfoundlands and 19% of German Shepherds have hip dysplasia; those aren't very good odds for him. He is young and there are things that can be done to reduce the severity and delay the onset, if his hips are of this type. He would have to get an X ray to know for sure. Either way, I am committed to him...knowing that his hips are going to crap out on him wouldn't change much except for preventative measures, which I'll do just in case. Low protein diet, keeping him lean, not over exercising him, not neutering (mostly because neutered dogs gain weight), no high impact activity such as jumping out of a truck bed, sleeping in a warm place with plenty of soft cushioning under him...all these are fairly easy things to do. There is something about the set of his hips, the low musculature of his hind legs, that worries me, reminds me of Bruno...my old Saint Bernard, who had to be put down for severe hip dysplasia. But he's young, strong and even if this is the case, there is a lot that can be done to give him the maximum time he can get and to love him while he's here.

Am plagued by insecurity, feeling dorky. But really, does it matter, as long as I'm happy and not hurting anyone? Maybe. Happened upon a friend in the coffee shop and made a new acquaintance, another gardening fanatic. The three of us chatted at high speed about species, cultivars, seed saving, intensely and not nearly long enough. And...I found my mouth not cooperating with my brain, not speaking coherently, not transmitting what I wanted it to say. I felt stupid, impaired, even though both ladies knew that I am not unintelligent. This happens to me far more often than I care to admit.

Have just started reading this book. It is fascinating stuff so far, exploring the drive for immortality, Neo-Darwinism and other neat stuff. There's a scientist...oh, her name eludes me now...OK, found her: Lynn Margulis. Oh man, she's dead! Reading this sort of stuff always makes me wish I was still a science major. :-/

Anyway, one of the thought brought up in the book is that the reason humanity is so fucked up is that unlike other species, we're aware that death is inevitable, and this creates all sorts of conflict within us as we try to escape this fact, to deny it, to achieve immortality in some way. Childbearing, art, accruing wealth, "making a mark" on the world, the idea of cloning, building structures that last, monuments, it's all about trying to elude death in some fashion. Most of what humans do is about denial.

And....I am missing modeling, not because of the money (it paid well) or for exhibitionist reasons (people have told me that blogging is a form of exhibitionism- does that make my readers voyeurs?) or even because I got my feet wet in art again (although that meant a lot to me, too), but because there was something about it that made me feel very aware of and in my body. I began to feel integrated, mind and body together, rather than the usual disconnect, to feel truly comfortable in the form that encloses me. It was well worth any embarrassment or sense of vulnerability. There must be some other way to continue fusing, tying together, mind and body until I'm that way all the time.

Yay, 90% on the test I just took, 88% on the test before that, and 100% on my final paper! Looks like I might get a decent grade in this class. :-)

I don't know why and probably it will not last once the newness has worn off (but maybe not, the goats never lost their healing power) but this dog has made such a difference for me. Just having to walk him...having his happy face urge me to get out of bed and hit the trail or pavement with him...I feel so much better.

Erythronium, Lomatium and Dodecatheon blooming on Mickinnick. Thought I saw calypso orchids on Sunday but was busy trying to catch up to the dog and catch him so it could have been a Dodecatheon, they are about the same color. Anyway...I can see that this hound is going to turn me into a morning person along with helping me get back into shape. He was so happy when I got up this morning. How can I not look forward to that? :-)

Hamilton (the dog) is all settled in now and adjusting much better than I thought he would given his shy temperament. Considered changing his name, but he pricks his ears up when he hears us say it, so might as well keep it. It could be worse, like "Blackie" or "Midnight" or "Sambo". "Hamilton" at least has some dignity and is unlikely to be guessed at by some random stranger trying to call my dog. He is tall, dark and handsome and the name does not feel discordant...although if I had named him from a puppy, it would have been something like "Jack". I can't wait to go hiking with him!

Was thinking last night after he got lost and before I knew he was going to be OK. Why, how could I get so attached to a dog in such a short time? I'd only had him for a few hours and I was crying my eyes out. We must have looked at countless dogs in animal shelters; none of them felt right. As soon as I saw this one, I knew he was right. Right personality, right look, right softness, right size....just right. What on earth is it that trips my "just right" button and causes me to not only be satisfied and content with a choice, but also to commit and get attached right away like that? It doesn't really make a lot of sense. Is there a predetermined set of characteristics associated with positive memories and experiences, and when enough of these are fulfilled, the "just right" feeling goes into effect?

I know that there are people who would say that some things are meant to be, destined, fated. I'm not really happy with that reasoning because then it also means that all the crappy stuff that happened to me must have been similarly destined. Which is not to say that it couldn't still be true, but that's all a little too "wooo" for me. Also it implies that if negative things are just as fated as positive or neutral things, then they are fairly inescapable despite our best efforts and I really dislike that idea.

Dog ran off last night, presumably in search of his old home. I was absolutely heartbroken. The good news is that he's been found! I just have to go pick him up. I am so relieved and happy. I must have cried for several hours over him...I was so worried his leash would get caught in the brush or that he'd get shot while wandering through the woods.

Found my dog. Half Newfoundland, plus Australian and German Shepherd. He is big, black, very soft, very gentle and shy and quiet, with soft, sensitive eyes. He is just right. :-)

Rachel Maddow: funny, intelligent, articulate, somehow makes politics highly interesting and oh yes, she's funny. Never underestimate the value of a great sense of humor. :-)

Got an 88% on the abnormal psych test...not bad considering this is the wrong book! :-)

Son 2 and I have been having a disagreement about plants and trees. He says that they are essentially living objects that cannot feel, perceive, make any kind of choices, move, etc. I say that they can do some of these things and that it could be that we lack the perception or the means to perceive or measure some of this; i.e. that they could have some kind of consciousness but for whatever reason we haven't been aware of it yet. He says, no brain, no consciousness. I countered that with examples of something called a neural net (encountered on zoology class, but I don't remember which animal has this). 30 years ago science was so certain that newborn babies couldn't really feel pain that open heart surgery was being done on them without anesthesia. There are still many people who say that fish and earthworms can't feel pain. Obviously these people haven't tried to impale an earthworm on a fish hook before. :-( I'm not saying that trees are sentient beings who think as we do...but what I do assert is that there's an awful lot we don't know and that when we don't know, we have to take care to treat life respectfully.

I need to buck up, pull myself together. You are alive, you don't hate me and it doesn't look like you're angry at me, either...although I don't know that I could blame you if you were. Things suck right now, yes...but really it is not all that bad when I look at it this way.

The therapist who passed away, the aspie psychologist that I really, really liked.....she was almost done with my psych eval when it happened. I go to see her colleague and get the eval finished up next week. She had recommended a therapy dog for me (I guess the correct term now is emotional support animal) and when I mentioned Newfoundlands as a preferred breed, she said that would be an excellent choice; apparently she had experience with related breeds and rubbed shoulders with Newfie breeders. It wouldn't have to be purebred, as long as the other breed was suitably gentle, quiet, intelligent, etc. At any rate....where was I going with this....oh yes: once the eval is done and I see the doctor I am switching to, maybe things will start to get back on track. I think it was last year that I went to my doctor and told him that I needed help, that the medication I was on was not helping, and he said that he didn't know what else he could do to help me. When one thinks about it, this is not a good thing to tell a patient who has been hovering on the edge of despair. :-/ Since then I've minimized appointments with him. I don't expect a doctor to be a saint (although my ob/gyn comes pretty damned close!) but for god's sake, telling a patient that you don't know what else to do is completely unhelpful. He could at least have given a referral if he was truly that stumped.

I know I talked about wanting to draw shells, but that was before I modeled for the figure drawing class. I still like shells, pods, enclosure type forms in nature that are evocative of maternal protection, but they will have to retreat to the back burner for a while because i have some different ideas now which are much more engaging. Hoping that between cleaning, taking abnormal psych tests and picking up children, I'll be able to explore some of this, possibly post it.

Blue. It's my Friday, so I don't have to work tomorrow. Work is so hard for me not because of the work itself, but the co-worker interactions. Don't know how to describe it right now....I just feel so isolated, so alone and apart sometimes. It makes me feel like I am back in second grade. More on that later.....

If I don't write anymore about what you mean to me, how I feel about you, it is only because words are such flimsy, inadequate things. They leave so much out, and trying to trace the outline of something like that with words cheapens it, renders it colorless and bland seeming.

I can see colors, pictures, of what I feel. There is raw sienna, a brilliant blue somewhere between phthalo and cobalt. A fish on a dry, wooden dock, gasping, longing for the water. Size, shape, weight, sensation. But words....no. Words seem so small. You know that I love you, i am not able to conceal it. Beyond that there isn't much more I can say.

Trying as hard as I can at work, but don't feel like it's going very well. The dishwasher machine arrived today. The girl who said derogatory things about people with mental health issues on my first day of work there is all pissed off at me. This is because they were talking about how great the Waldorf school was and were saying that it should be publicly funded like public schools are. I said that this would be problematic because then the Waldorf school would have to accommodate children with disabilities, such as my son who has Asperger's, also that one of the children from our Quaker meeting was just moved from this school to the charter school due to bullying. She got histrionic about it, I tried to tell her I hadn't meant to hurt her feelings, that perhaps we should agree to disagree, and she is still mad several days later. Whatever. She's always going on about how sensitive her feelings are and being almost on the verge of tears about fairly minor things. Meanwhile, I try to hold it together and keep a stiff upper lip day after day. It is a four hour struggle not to stim, to work past and through the anxiety. I am so tired of the drama over petty things, of the passive aggressive stuff that is inseparable from deli work. I have got to remember to bring the MP3 player tomorrow....that thing is a lifesaver.

It was such a nice day today outside. Right after work there was the wind blowing in my face, pregnant with the scent of impending rain. I took my son's dog down to the boat launch and let her run around...it was so nice. Then it rained...and it smelled fresh and moist and earthy. I wish that I could find a place to garden.

And...I'm sorry that I do such a poor job of holding myself together. :-(

They are getting a mechanical dishwasher at work. I am apprehensive as to my long term job security; they already gave some of my hours to two high school kids...who are being trained to do stuff I have not been trained to do, in addition to the dishwashing....and the end of the school year is looming.

But probably, it will be the old game of, cut your hours down to one or two per day until it costs more to come to work than you make, so that you will quit. I guess that I am a bad employee despite all efforts to the contrary.

How can it be that I am not good for anything?

Sigh....Blogger did the New! Look! thing and apparently we will now have to use html code in order to begin a new paragraph. I may have forgotten how to write webpages but luckily I remember all the basic, ordinary stuff. Still, it's irritating, the new look feel unfamiliar and I hate it. Oh well.

Little odds and ends:

It's my eldest son's birthday- he was born on Earth Day. I tried so, so hard to raise him well, particularly when he was young....bought educational toys for him, kept him away from television, read countless books to him, talked to him as if he were an actual person as opposed to a cute blob of flesh. Even when he was an infant, I talked to him instead of doing the stupid goo-goo sounds some women make to babies. Read all sorts of books about how to raise an intelligent, well adjusted baby, fed him organic food, took him on bicycle rides and walks, talking to him as we walked about what we saw...explained that even though dogs varied in size, color and shape, they were all still dogs... I raised him around gardens and animals, tried to instill in him a wonder and respect for life and nature. Taught him how to read, gave him art lessons that were supposed to also develop his brain, homeschooled him; when he was put into public school in fourth grade, he had already read the Tolkein books and so many others. Maybe I tried too hard. He was so smart, learned so quickly. Meanwhile, I was unnecessarily hard on his younger brother, not knowing the poor kid had ADD. I can only say that although I made a lot of mistakes, particularly with men, I really tried as hard as I could to do everything right.

Men- Why did I do that? Why? Partly, because I had been taught that women could not say no, that saying no would wound a man's ego beyond repair and also, it was dangerous to defy or refuse a man. I had been trained to be nice and submissive at all costs. What a crock. A very, very expensive crock at that.

But also, Daniel Haugen's death left such a hole in me. I had never been treated so kindly, so gently, by anyone, had never felt so cherished. The thought of spending an entire life marking off time until I finally died myself was awful beyond words. Anything, anything to make that ache, that hole, go away for a little while, to find some spot of hope. It wasn't until I was about the age he'd been when I met him that I realized there was something very wrong about a 35 year old getting engaged to a 17 year old...that for a man that age to drop an innocent, vulnerable girl without any kind of decent explanation was really irresponsible and flaky at best. I guess I clung to the memory of him for so long because I had to believe that someone, at sometime, had really cared for me, treated me well....even if maybe that was a lie.

Had a nice walk; lots of Trilliums and Erythronium grandiflorum. My youngest son was so enthusiastic about everything he encountered, the mosses especially.

I need to stop complaining and pining for what isn't, to enjoy what is (and honestly, there's plenty of good stuff if I can quit kvetching or crying long enough to see it), to live in the present....because this is a waste. Also, even the things that get me down have their bright side.

Just being able to miss someone, to wish things were different, to long for their perspective and conversation....At least there is someone to miss, at least I have had the opportunity of having known someone who was so unique that their place cannot be filled or forgotten.

If my bed is empty, there's also a freedom in being able to stretch out without hogging space or disturbing someone else. And very few things are worse than having to sleep every night in a bed with a hostile person that you're afraid of, a person who might elbow or kick you while you sleep, snap at you if you touch them, or suddenly begin yelling at you, or try to force themselves on you. I remember well how I longed to have a restful, unworried, uninterrupted sleep, a sleep where I would not have to be tense with fear. How good it felt when finally, I was able to sleep alone without being harassed or intimidated. There are much, much worse things in life than sleeping alone and I must take care not to ever have those things happen to me again.

Also, I need to start eating. By eating, I mean something other than a 20 oz mocha, a ginger ale, maybe a smoothie, and a KIND bar...possibly something small for dinner. Losing fat and getting muscle is one thing; losing weight due to neglect is another. So, I have resumed eating meat in a serious way (as opposed to the occasional german sausage), fruit...need to start eating veggies again too and lay off the sugar.

Such a nice sunny day...way too nice to waste inside! Going to see if there are any native orchids or other wildflowers blooming yet. :-)

And...oh god...please tell me I am not overhearing a conversation where people are talking about a virus, supposedly incurable according to "conventional doctors" that can "go away" via special diets, naturopathic cures, etc.....which causes people to lose a lot of weight and develop large spots on their face....and who don't want to get tested. Jesus Christ. I am so, so glad to not have to worry about this sort of thing. If I ever get together with anyone, there are going to be shared test results!!! ugh! What is wrong with people!!

Sigh. Some "expert" gardener from Wisconsin is insisting that earthworms in Idaho will eat onion sets and vegetable starts and pull them down into stockpiles of such things. He is advocating annihilation of said earthworms. Never mind that he doesn't live here, that I do, and that I have seen the critters that do uproot or carry away seedlings and yes, entire plants (birds, voles, pocket gophers). Nooooo, it is earthworms. He is the expert. Killlll the earthworms! Whatfuckingever. It pisses me off, but I am not going to continue arguing with an armchair expert on gardening in an area he probably has never even been to. (throwing hands up in exasperation and disgust)

Groan...more problems.