Monday, May 28, 2007

I am still blue (heartbroken) over the goats. Losing Reflex would have been bad enough, but for almost the entire herd to be gone....and for leaves me almost mute with pain. Twelve years of life, love, passion, and hard work down the drain.

And here I am planting and landscaping this place like an idiot. I haven't bought it yet. What asurance do I have that I'll actually be able to buy it? I still don't have a job yet...or not a steady one. I've been filling in here and there with odd jobs, which is better than nothing. Nothing seems worthwhile anymore. I'm tired of trying to get people to like me, tired of getting burned. There's no purpose to life except for the children.

As for me, I'm a failure. All the things I wanted to do in life or to get out of it have miscarried: art, love, animals, being a doctor, being anything at all, staying married, living out in the country......the only thing that hasn't completely failed is the kids.

I hate it that the fucking developers, realtors, and rich people from other places have driven the prices up so high. I'm boxed into living in town, surrounded by the place I love which I can't own a part of, because of greed. I saw an ad today, 20 acres with a shop and utilities for $250 K!!! There is not even a house on it, and the ad reads: "Buy 20 acres for the price of ten!". WTF??!!

There doesn't seem to be a way out.

Sunday, May 20, 2007

So I'm thinking about possibly just going to work for myself, doing yard work, gardening, minor landscaping, errands and such. I haven't had any bites yet on the several job applications I've distributed, and I *love* working outside, doing yard work. Hey, it's worth a try- it's not like I'm working anywhere else.

Speaking of gardens, a lot of stuff is in bloom now: aquilegia (note- plant more of these from seed, they're very reliable and worthwhile), dicentra (also really nice), violas galore, a single white narcissus (the others have finished already, along with all the tulips), a hellebore, and most excitingly, a kniphofia. This last is also known as "red hot poker plant". I've wanted one for a while because it's both freaky and sexy. The cherry, pear, plum, and apple trees are all blooming or have finished, and I'm worried about them, because I've seen very few bees or other pollinators this year, only the occasional wasps and a lone hummingbird. I've planted food crops as well: 'Chioggia' beets, broccoli (sorry, just the store brand), various tomatoes, red and yellow onions, two concord grape vines, rhubarb, scotch green curled kale....and I think that's all.

I got to go see the goats (the four that are left) tonight and it put me in a better mood. They're not all gone, at least, even if none of the ones that are there were my favorites, they're something, and being with them makes me feel sane again.

Going to bloom soon: sage(the culinary sort), eremurus, roses, peonies, stachys, and alliums (the ornamental sort). After awhile the daylilies should be coming into play along with the irises. I also have a phaleonopsis orchid that I'm quite attached to. I bought it for myself almost two years ago for my birthday, and after it's first round of blooming, I somehow managed to almost kill it and just barely kept it alive for some time. Now it's recovered and is about to bloom. :-) I don't know why orchids seem so precious....

Friday, May 18, 2007

Wow, it's about time the thing started working again. In case you're wondering, what finally did it was changing the browser setting to "identify as Internet Explorer" (I use Opera).

Anyway, at this point, my life sucks so badly that I'm sort of wishign soemone would just kill me off and be done with it. I can't bear having little bits of me cut away one at a time. Since I posted last, the following have occurred:

--> The woman that I thought was my best friend basically quit communicating with me. I tried to call her and her answering machine said she wasn't taking any calls. She had told me to call her that day, so I can only conclude that she was avoiding me and putting me off. She does not consider me a close friend as I do her. Once more, I am a mere aquaintance. I left a few messages on her answering machine, but she never called back, so I quit trying. Screw it. I'm coming to the slow and very painful realization that I don't actually have any female friends at all, and I don't think I have any male friends that aren't attracted to me. In other words, no friends...not really...everyone's just an aquaintance. The world is so formally and coldly polite.

--> Another 'friend' had boarded all of my goats for me. I had previously arranged to sell her several other goats, and she already had them and their papers, but she hadn't paid me for them. Anyway, so she agreed to board my goats with the stipulation that any offspring born would be hers. This was fine by me, because I didn't have a place to put any of the goats that I already had a loved, let alone new ones. Everything seemed fine. I went out there and trimmed all their feet, helped her out with them, and it all seemed OK. Then one day I came home to a letter on my door, which said that I had given her all the goats, and why was I saying she was boarding them out, she was going to sue me, and she had already sold a few of them, including my buck, Reflex. Now, if there was one goat that I loved above all the rest, it was Reflex. I raised him from a 3 day old kid, he was a tiny quadruplet when I got him so he lived in the house for a while...I bottle fed him...he grew up to a huge mature buck, but he was always my baby. I loved that buck just like other people do their dogs or cats or horses. He was always sweet and gentle with me... Anyway, she said he was mean to her and she sold him at the livestock auction right before Cinco De Mayo- in other words, he was probably bought up for meat and his bones are in a barbecue pit somewhere. She went on to say that she was about to sell the others, too, all of them, if I didn't find some way to get rid of them all NOW. I managed to rescue the children's three could I tell them their pets had been sold for meat? I am still devastated over Reflex and the others. My beautiful black beauties, that I spent so time time and work breeding...lost, dead...I failed them, and they were always there for me when I needed them. I don't know how she could do this to me without even warning me first or giving me half a chance. Why did she agree to board them if she couldn't cope with it, she sounded really optimistic about it when I took them there. The entire thing just makes me miserable.

She must have felt a little guilty, because she said that she would "make me a deal" on a bulldog puppy (she breeds bulldogs) with the money from the sale of the goats. But I just saw her today, and sure enough, most of the does went to the auction, except for one taht she kept for herself, and no word at all of the puppy. I felt too broken to even ask...screw it.....

-->Two days after I found our Reflex had been sold for meat, I was getting ready for work when my boss called me. Stupid me, I thought mayeb there was a crisis of some kidn and she need me to come in early or something (which I would have been willing to do). Nah...she was calling to tell me not to come in at all. She said I wasn't learning quickly enough and the other workers felt like they were running behind all the time and having to pick up my slack. I'd been trying to tell her that I was having trouble with the training for weeks...people kept telling me contradictory stuff. Or otherwise I'd be in the middle of doing something and another worker ("M" was especially bad about this) would run over frantically and stop me and tell me that I had to hurry and do something else NOW. I'd try to tell her that my scheduled chore list said that I was supposed be doing what I was already doing at this time, but by that time, she was gone, or she would just ignore me. She would do this sort of t hing to me several time in the course of a day. If I had a question, she wouldn't even listen, just talked over me and bossed me around without answering what I asked. I tried to tell my boss that I was having a problem, but I got the very distinct feeling that I had better not complain about "M", because if I did, it would be MY problem. Bleah..and I was just starting to feel like I was getting the hang of things, was starting to make sense. Screw it....

-->So I tried to go back to the store (I know, I know....)to see if they'd re-hire me. The manager said that he didn't have any openings right now, but he'd think about it. A day or two later, someone pointed out to me that the gal who worked in the meat department had left, and maybe they could use me there, so I asked. "Nope, don't need you, got it covered." The deli is a disaster. I haven't seen it this dysfunctional in a very long time. Nope, they still don't need me. Went in two days ago, and they had a brand new cashier- the position I applied for and for which he said he didn't have any openings. Screw it....

The only good things are that the main boss saw to it that I finally got my reference (thank you!). I don't think that manager (the same one who lied to me about not having any openings) would ever have given it to me otherwise. The man just does not like me, and I'm not sure why, except that I have an unbiblically strong personality for a woman. There are other strong women in that store, but maybe I'm too honest and too blunt. Also, I applied for unemployment, and maybe, just maybe, I'll get it. I've applied for a few other jobs and haven't gotten any bites yet. The truth of it is that I feel so battered by the events of the past month that I hardly care what happens to me anymore.

I mean, other than homelessness or something happening to one of the kids, what else is there to lose? Oh, please don't let anything happen to the kids....
Work Dammit!!!!!!