And I don't know how to say it, because really, nobody wants to hear these things.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Tuesday, December 17, 2013
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Tonight- I am sleeping in a bed that is safe and warm. Not in a car, or on the ground, or in a tent, or on some unfamiliar couch or cold floor....I get to sleep in a nice, warm bed with heavy blankets.
Tonight- Nobody is going to yell at me, hit me, or make me afraid. I can sleep without feelign anxious or hypervigilant.
Tonight- I won't sing the above song to myself, wishing that there wasn't a fight.
Tonight- Nobody is hurting my kids, or screaming at them. I don't have to feel conflicted, guilty or cowardly. Tonight-There is no ominous cloud, no sense of foreboding.
Tonight- I will not be raped, coerced, or coaxed into doing anything I don't want to do. If I awaken tomorrow morning and have done nothing sexual the entire time I've been naked in bed, I won't feel guilty...not even a little.
Tonight-I go to bed with a full stomach. I am neither thirsty nor hungry, and should the need for a bathroom arise, it won't be a problem. I don't have to walk or drive to find facilities.
Tonight- Everything is OK...and like so many of us, I take it for granted. We don't live in a war torn country, fearing for our lives as we try to snatch a bit of sleep. Our children aren't starving to death. Even those of us who are poor are so much better off than those in poorer countries that our complaints are relatively minor. We are rich by comparison.
Tonight- I will try to remember to be thankful, to have true gratitude, for all of these things.
Oh, and my typing has become increasingly dyslexic. It used to be an occasional problem. Now everything I write has transposed letters and capitalization where it isn't supposed to be.....makes me look illiterate and stupid.
And that thing where between my head and my fingertips, something gets lost and doesn't come out right? It's the same between my head and my mouth. The words that come out of my mouth are frequently NOT what I meant to say, and or I see the picture in my head, but really struggle to make words out of it. And auditory processing issues, which were always there anyway, have gotten worse. It is frustrating as hell.