Thursday, August 29, 2013

Feelings are thin, like a layer of paint. The state of my mind, my heart, my soul, in regard to you, isn't a feeling. It permeates, goes down through all the layers of strangeness that are me. I call this sensation love, but love means so many things, it's become such a cheap word. Maybe it means nothing at all anymore.

Time is an illusion. It comes, it goes, it flows....and always, I swim upstream.

You, with your sweet, blue, blue eyes. It seems so wrong, so perverse, that life forces us to live and act as though we were enemies. If we never speak again, still my salmon heart swims in the same direction as long as it beats.


Farm stuff:

I ordered 25 more chicks. These are Spangled Russian Orloffs. More can be seen about them at this link. I had intially wante dChanteclers, but the hatchery doesn't have any right now, I would like to get the chickens now so that they can be mixed with the others more easily, and also, I'd like for them to be laying by spring. Also, the Chanteclers are over $6 each and are extremely limited in availability, whereas these are only $4.00 each and I can order 25 of them rather than 10 or 15. This matter, because you have to have at least 25 chicks in a box in order to mail them- otherwise they get cold and die while being shipped, because there aren't enough chicks to keep one another warm. I wanted a rare breed that is very hardy, gentle and calm, and the Orloffs fit this just as well as the Chanteclers do. I also like their unique head and colorful pattern, whereas with the Chanteclers, I would have gotten the plain white ones..... At any rate, these chicks will arrive around Sept 18th.

The first batch of chicks is a month old now, or close to it, and just got moved out to the chicken coop. I don't have any recent pictures....will upload and post some later.

I spent most of last weekend getting goats! I ended up buying two does from Olentangy Alpines. One of them, Arget (her registered name is Tegra), is a grand champion, and older doe and a good milker. She has a wonderfully gentle, calm personality, a real pleasure to work with. The other one, a kid, is a cute little grand-daughter of the famous Sodium Oaks Sasin. I feel quite lucky to have had the opportunity to acquire these two. I've had animals from Mark Baden before, and they were of excellent quality, and had nice dispositions. The other two, a buck and another doeling, are from Great Adventure Farm. The buck is massive, just huge! Despite his size and powerful appearance, he's meek, mild mannered and has a tiny little voice. It's kind of endearing. The doeling, Fan-C Free, is friendly and pleasant, a nice little doe linebred on Redwood Hills Jaeger. Now I need to track down my nitrogen tank and see about getting into artificial insemination again.....

I am finally feeling OK again. Now, for the delicate balancing act of staying this way....

Sometimes it seems like everyone wants something out of me, not things I can do, but things out of my soul, my heart...and right now there isn't a lot to spare; it's all being expended on homeostasis. They get mad at me when I don't have it to give, throwing me further out of balance, taking more time to regain equilbrium. It's difficult.

And people wonder why I love my boyfriend, they question whether we're just "friends with benefits", because we don't see one another as often, because life gets in the way. But here's the thing: he loves me regardless of the many sub-optimal conditions I'm often in. There's never any pressure. He's held me and kept me alive countless nights when I was aching over bad situations that probably will never be resolved. And through all of this, he doesn't demand or expect anything of me, he's just there, my friend, my patient, tolerant lover.

Saturday, August 17, 2013

Sometimes, it's not what happened, it's the way it happens.

I feel so incredibly fragile this week. I am so easily triggered. Things hurt more than they should, little things.

It feels like I am crumbling aroudn the edges, and then into the center, to my heart....

Friday, August 16, 2013

It didn't work out to buy a buck from Kevin Kinney. I am now trying to find other stock from breeders who seem ethical. If I could afford it, I should just buy everything from Redwood Hills Dairy.....Jennifer Bice is a very nice person and has bred fantastic animals.....maybe will give her a call.

Thursday, August 15, 2013

Had a good day with my daughter; rare, valuable one on one time out on the town together. :-)
Things are gradually improving. I have a good, kind boyfriend who's incredibly patient with me. My living situation is better and I can see my kids every day. I'm making pottery again. I have my cats and my dog back, as well as 22 week old chicks buzzing around like little bees. I'm about to order goats.

But sometimes, I still feel so fragile....

Thursday, August 08, 2013

I don't know, I mean....I hate this, but this is the way you want things to be. I don't understand that, and it isn't my choice or preference, but what can I do? Nothing, that's what. I just have to try to deal, try not to hurt, pretend not to care, work at moving on with my life.

It does seem to me that there are a lot of alternatives that would be much less awkward/triggery...but...not my choice.

Day started out well, got lousy and stressful pretty quickly....finally, gradually got better and now I'm fine...but tired. It's a little distressing to me that I can go down so easily, so rapidly, over the slightest things, in just seconds....and then recovery takes proportionately quite a bit more input/effort and considerably more time...hours. Oh well. It could be worse. It used to be worse, much, much worse, not very long ago.

My baby chicks arrive- in the mail- tomorrow! Yay! I ordered the super assortment, from a company that specializes in rare breeds, so no idea what I'll get. Can't wait, but I hope most of them are alive.....

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

This post on this blog = awesome. Some of the most accurate, useful stuff I've ever read about what it means to be a female with asperger's...right up there with Rudy Simone's book, Aspergirls.

Monday, August 05, 2013

Depressed. Blue. Trying to get stuff done, clean, plant, put things away, hoping that doing something will help me feel better. :-(