The next gluten free thing I want to try: lefse. I've made it the usual way before...lefse is a flatbread, so it shouldn't need gluten since it doesn't rise. It is time intensive to make, but if I make it in stages......(cook potatoes, make dough, roll and cook).

Just picked 4 or 5 banana boxes full of apples. Am now watching a documentary about ADD/ADHD.

I wish that I'd known more about this when my kids were younger.

A confession: I wish that the adults in my life as a child had heard of and considered having me looked at. But noooooo, not in our family. In our family, everyone was perfect and above average, and those of us who weren't simply weren't trying hard enough. No, instead I got smacked around for being inattentive, punished for daydreaming, and ridiculed for zoning out. Don't even get me started on test taking......

And the thing is, I still don't know if I have it as a co-morbid disorder with Asperger's, or if I don't have it at all, or......? :-/

Last night/this morning

Stress/anxiety: My eldest offspring wants to move back here. Specifically, he wants to move in with the ex who I have been having trouble with. Understand: I do love my son. However......this new development freaks me out. There is no good reason for him to come back here; the climate is colder, jobs are not any more plentiful, not is housing any easier to come by. He does not seem to have made any progression towards anything positive since he left. The ex will do just about anything to make life uncomfortable for me. The crazymaking continues.........

Serendipity: After receiving a confirmation email on the sweatshirt, Son 2 and I go to Goodwill and find....a Cubs T shirt! Ha.

Also at Goodwill: Nothing for a Halloween costume. Nor any crockpots. There was a futon that I wanted very, very badly, and there were XX skis my size and even a pair of boots that would fit....and the money I had was insufficient for this expenditure.

So I went home (with, of course, the T shirt) and evaluated the stuff I already have.

Halloween: I have some stuff that will work, after all....in fact, I have 2 choices. I am deliberating on whether the footwear I have for this outfit is the best. The idea of tripping around in heels is a little aversive, but......it could be fun for a few hours. And that's why Halloween is my favorite holiday. For one day, you can express yourself, dress outlandishly, play out fantasies, etc, no matter how outlandish or silly they might be. I don't even eat most of the candy I get, but it is fun to run around with the kids (even if it is hard to explain my costume to them!).

General: I need to start putting my life back together again.

And right now: find pears? Or go hiking with the dogs? Hmmmmm. Look for pears, then hike, I suppose. I am so out of shape. :-(

The graphics are a little much, but the song.....ahhhhhhh, the song.

My son scares me. link

I mean, seriously, read this one and then tell me that I'm crazy for thinking he may have had a hand in the mess I have been dealing with for nearly a year now. :-/

I looked at the city of Chicago on Google maps, and found the block where I lived and the general neighborhoods mentioned in the book.....only a few blocks from where I was! Which is probably why I've already heard of most of the gangs in the book. :-P

And speaking of things Chicago, have located an affordable sweatshirt after all.

This is a wire wrapped gemstone pendant I made today. The stone cost me 20 cents....I don't know how much the wire cost, but it is sterling silver, so probably a few dollars.

I can't sleep until 1-2 AM lately....have already tried the usual things...nice hot relaxing shower, reading a book, writing down whatever's bothering me (actually that does help somewhat), and the basic array of things people do when they want to sleep and cannot. The most reliable seems to be having a nice, dark cold one, but since beer is verboten where we live, that's not really an option. The last time this happened, I gave up, got up and cleaned the house so that at least I would feel productive.

I am also flunking out in the art department lately, at least when it comes to drawing, so have temporarily turned to other handwork. I'll try to post a picture before I log off tonight and go home (no internet at home for the past couple weeks). I have a lot of unfinished projects, and it's kind of satisfying to work on them when the creative drive is at an ebb.

I finally found a mandoline at the thrift store. Oddly enough, have been sort of into cooking and baking lately, and some of the recipes call for slicing things very, very thinly. Since my son has defected (kidding!) and become a Red Sox fan, I have felt the need to assert that the Cubs are where it's at....however, none of the thrift stores have had anything even remotely like that....understandable given the distance...and I am not shelling out $80 for a new Cubs hoodie.

And speaking of Chicago, have been reading this book. It takes place in the same general area I lived in before my sister and I left to live with our mom. I lived between Grand and North avenues and near where both of them intersect with Pulaski. The author lived near Humboldt Park. It was a rough neighborhood....so it's sort of odd that in such a violent book, I should get a sense of nostalgia. :-P

I get so scared when I see you these days....I shouldn't miss you anymore, it makes no sense. But I do...I do.

Uno is gone. She was as trouble-free as any cat could be and I feel lucky to have known her.

Found my dream home/future farm/orchard: here.

No, I am not kidding. I love this place. The only drawback is that I would have to pay for the water until a well could be put in.

The cat is dying. I knew that her days were limited when we got her, as she had a terminal illness at the shelter and was just doing surprisingly well....but I still feel guilty somehow over this.

I have found out that my youngest child is allergic to cats, so this will be the last one we have. Goodbye, Uno.

When I finally get better, I don't ever want to feel this way about anyone again. It doesn't work out for me, I don't have the social skills to comprehend what's going on, the finer details of head games elude me and I just cannot afford it. Maybe I'm too sensitive, maybe I don't know how to measure out my feelings, maybe I don't know how to let go, but in any case, the answer is the same: this is a game that I cannot win and that I should never play.

Luckily enough, the odds of my feeling this way again are slim anyway. The parameters of what I find attractive and deeply interesting enough to fall this hard are far narrower than they are for most.

I don't know....I just don't feel like I am ever going to be the same.

I confess to being a weird woman who eats mashed rutabaga for breakfast, not because there is any lack of cereal or other stuff to eat, but only because rutabaga was what I really wanted. :-P

Never. Never again.

Dawn Redwood seedcone

I now have a fish being exhibited at Evans Bros. Coffee shop. :-)

And I spent some time glazing the sculpture which is at the Arts Alliance....got the teeth, eyes, and lure done and the rocks washed in iron oxide; now need to do the body of the fish and the overglaze on the rocks. Basically, I just did the tricky detail work on it. The bisquing and glazing fee is going to be $56!!!!!!!!! Holy Guacamole!!!

I am going to have to charge more in order to cover that. :-/

My opinion? The art side of it was a little underwhelming, but it could be that I lack appreciation for the artist's style. It wasn't bad work, but it didn't do much for me.

Feeling relaxed and easy going and not wanting to cry, on the other hand....priceless!

I did the drawing, but realized this morning when I pulled it out that I'd used dark blue and black Sharpie marker, not fine point and ultra fine point black. Am still deliberating over whether to fix this or leave it....

See, here is the deal: there is an art exhibition by Maria Curcic at Monarch Mountain tonight. The artist is supposed to be here, and I did not know it until recently, but Monarch serves beer! Yes!

So here I am, appreciating the art, blogging, waiting for the artist to materialize.

When all else fails------> a good beer. Laughing Dog's Cold Nose would not be my first pick, but it is darker than the other choices and it is indeed cold.

I will however be waiting eagerly for the next batch of Dogfather, which is my utter favorite. :-)

And look, I will try not to drink and blog, but wouldja please cut me some slack this time if I post something stupid? I try to be good, but life has been hard and once in awhile, a person just needs to relax for a change.

Oh, shit! There's an inspection tomorrow! hahahahahahaha.........whatever!

Randomness, because I hardly slept and I am still groggy (irritable too):

This is the second time in the past three days that someone has asked me if I came from Canada. One said that my English is better, the other said that she could tell from my speech that I wasn't from here. A couple of weeks ago, a doctor, also not from here, tagged me as not being from here....right away. I thought my grammar had deteriorated to an alarming degree. He pointed out that locals call this place North Idaho....not northern Idaho.

I am hungry for the woods, for the trails. I need the peace that comes over me there.

Dried about 7.5 lbs of Golden Delicious apples last night. They were dry by morning, even though I put them in around 11PM and turned them off around 6 AM. I actually prefer drying food to canning it, for safety reasons, ease, storage space, etc. Dried food is also far more practical to take backpacking than canned goods.

I think about my grandma as a child, walking for miles carrying water on her head....every day. She is still frugal with water. Then I wonder what people in third world countries would say if they knew that we use water to shit in, here....and to water a crop that nobody ever eats, and that failing to grow and tend and water this crop can result in fines in some places. How would I explain such insanity?

Decided I need to start getting serious about actually making art again, and I need to really commit myself to actually doing it. I get so caught up in wanting it to be perfect, and waiting because I'm afraid of it not being perfect. So every day, I am going to make *something* and post it. I may end up making a new blog just for this purpose, but will try it out here for a week or so first. Even if it is just a sketch or is not perfect, I have to post something. If I miss a day, then I have to make that up the next day.

This one is a card....The picture is via my cell phone and doesn't quite do it justice. Because I no longer have internet at home, there may be days when I cannot actually post the pictures.

Spent the weekend in orchard/farming related research. Specifically: Green Bluff.

I am still reeling from the impact of the crowds and the hype and the overwhelmingness of it all.

Nobody seems to grow the old apple varieties anymore. I felt very lucky to finally find Winesaps and Staymans, and they were good.....but they were not as good as what I had heard. Criterion, a newer apple, was only found on one place, and that was just as good as I'd remembered.

It's so much like the dairy goat world. Everyone dumps the old bloodlines and buys up whatever the latest, newest thing is. Today the newest thing is Honeycrisp, a variety that I have deep appreciation for myself. Here is the problem with Honeycrisp: it doesn't keep for very long before it starts to develop aldehydes which affect the flavor. This is an apple that is best eaten relatively soon after picking.

----> What does it say about our society that farming has become a major tourist attraction? I have never seen this kind of hype and excitement over farming before. It was like a county fair spread out over a bunch of farms.

We have nothing like that here- not even one farm of this type.

Speaking honestly, the lack of respect shown by the visitors to the farms really bothered me. It is not OK to walk up and break branches off of someone else's fruit and nut trees just for entertainment!

more...later.

Still trying to get the gluten free scones recipe to turn out correctly. I use a different blend of flour each time.....in wildly different proportions....I need to switch back to the flours that used to work for me in the ratios I used to use.....assuming I can remember! :-P

Love is not the best word for what I have been experiencing. Although there is a strong element of love, in our culture, love encompasses everything from being horny to having a crush on someone to being involved and fond of one another to the sort of ferocity of commitment that would induce someone to jump in front of a train to push their beloved out of its path. This one word is used in such a common way that it loses all meaning. It is movable like water, shifting and changing and alterable, flowing one way one moment and a different way the next.

Obsession doesn't cut it either, because obsessions are pathological and typically uncontrollable and lead to dangerous behavior.

Imprinting. That is the best explanation I can come up with. I don't mean imprinting as depicted in the cheesy Twilight books.... More like....throughout our life and particularly in childhood, people make impressions on us. We develop bonds with people. Traits associated with those people have lasting positive connotations for us. And then at some point, you meet someone who has this magical combination of those traits, whose mannerisms and quirks and strengths and flaws feel just right. There is enough of what is familiar to feel comfortable, enough of what resonates with ones own values, interests, etc to make that person seem absolutely irreplaceable and enough difference to provide for mystery, curiosity and interest.

And up until this point, I think most people would be able to relate to this and say, "yeah yeah, that's also called falling in love". But with me, for some odd reason, maybe because I've lost most of the people who were the original bearers of the traits and qualities I value...this doesn't happen very often for me, it scares me to death when it does happen, it doesn't require physical contact and it's fairly irreversible and deeply embedded.
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And now, friends, I have to go harvest various things and plant garlic. Maybe with luck, I will get to split some wood today as well.

Some of this weeks work. The ziploc bag is full of dried prune-plums, and there are more still drying in the dehydrator. I also forgot the applesauce and plum puree.

Sometimes I feel like a failure, like a waste of space, like I am sucking energy out of the world and don't give anything back. And I know that some of this is echoing the words of a particularly toxic person, but in any case, it still echoes through me, over and over and over again. I cannot afford to spend another second of my life around people who tell me things like that....because hurtful things stick to me like glue...I don't know yet how to get rid of them, how to shake them off.

I like to reclaim things that are being wasted or thrown away or unappreciated. Like this fruit. Meh...this conversation is depressing me. :-/

Another view of the same fish. The eyes look funny because they're been glazed.

Depressed, so i went to CDA and spent the day glazing this fish. Here it is with only the pupils painted in with iron oxide. I have another pic where the iron oxide application process is finished, will post that too.

The fish are meant to challenge popular conceptions of beauty. This one is titled: "I love you bumps and all"

I hate this. I hate the shame. I hate having to act like I'm mad at you.

Half the problem is that I look at things in such black and white terms....my rational mind knows that you don't hate me, but the emotional part of me is pretty straightforward and simple and cannot conceive of someone never wanting to talk to me again unless they hated me with a fury beyond words. And I love you with all the simplicity and lack of reserve of a child.

Why do I act so hostile? I don't feel hostile, I just hurt. I think this is a defense mechanism......i know that no matter what I do, you are never, ever, going to talk to me again. I give up. There's nothing I can do. This hurts me more than anything else in my life ever has. Pain is not rational. I would give or do anything at all to change the way things are, but it's beyond my hands, and I've already broken myself in half trying to find the answers.

I don't want to feel afraid when I see you. I don't want that adrenaline rush. If nothing else, If nothing else, just to be able to be in the same general area without that sense of (this is a person who cannot stand the sight, sound, of me. This is the only person in the world who has the power to crush me into even smaller pieces, and I have no defense at all against him, because.....because....I am weak.....)

There is no strength here....not like you said.

You must have known...you must have known....that you were going to do this.

I am not angry at you. I am not hostile. Just...wounded to the point of insensibility and not wanting to hurt any worse.

There is no point. There is no goal. Life is an obstacle course without a finish line, without any reason or sense or reward. There are no rules, at least not any that are consistently followed by the people who want to inflict them...

And people have been lying to me and I'm tired of trying to figure it out. At least you feel bad about it. But they don't...oh no, they don't.

I am having quite the struggle with my inner bitch lately. For years, my friends urged me to grow a spine and a set of teeth...now it is so hard not to use those teeth at any provocation. I fear holding back, don't want to end up subjugated and held hostage by other people's feelings, manipulations and plans for me.....again.

Also, how to balance a legacy of mistreatment and abuse, to be able to say that no, actually, that wasn't OK.....and still be Quakerly? My solution is always one of disengagement: "Yeah, that sucked, I don't ever want that again, sure I'll forgive, just leave me alone, period. Leave me the fuck alone." I have a feeling that this isn't going to cut it.

It's ironic and funny in the darkest possible way, that this is precisely what you're doing to me. Of all the people in the world, I probably deserve it, having dished it out to some many others......but honestly, it was and many times is, the only way I know how to cope. Confrontation, having to admit having grudges against people, confessing that yeah, I'm angry, scares the bejeezus out of me. I only force myself into it when the person means enough to me that going through the shaky nerves and vulnerability that comes along with discussing whatever mess occurred is worth it.

So.......that's it, isn't it? I'm not. Worth it. It's easier to shove me into the land of non-existence and additionally, that saves an awful lot of face.

And if only I could get to the same place in regard to you, this would be perfect. Sort of.

The other thing that is bothering me is that it seems to have been OK that I have been abused by names which shall not here be named. It isn't that I can't forgive, but sadly, forgiveness for this kind of thing is not an instantaneous matter. I am still triggered. I have developed an aversion, a fear, to all but the mildest and gentlest men....and also, gay men don't frighten me. My fuse has grown shorter, my triggers more numerous and less reversible than they were in times past.

I might not be irrevocably changed by these things, but it definitely feels that way to me. The impact has been negative and it has been substantial. I mask this fear with contempt for macho men.....and my contempt is real....but it goes deeper than that.

When being around that person triggers you, when you see in your mind their face contorted.....the angry words still screaming in your head.....I don't know how to reconcile all of this with the kind of person I strive to be, particularly in the face of complete denial. I feel unreasonable for not being able to wish this problem away and then....then....... I guess I think that there is a difference between being able to forgive and being able to pretend things never happened and that everything is hunky dory now.

Yes, I am all messed up. I realize that. However, please note, dear readers: it is not a coincidence that I'm all messed up. I didn't get here all by myself. And having to pretend that I did....is hurtful. Having to pretend that Other Person is a victim of my cold-heartedness....feels like a slap in my face.

I am sitting here trembling, having written these things....I don't know what the answers are, or if there are any. I only know that I haven't come across them yet.

A question for myself:

As a person with Asperger's and various other conditions, as a person who is technically homeless, as a single mother, and as a "survivor" (the feel-good word for "subject") of various sorts of childhood and adult abuse, where does one draw the line between asking for what they need and "milking it", an accusation that is most frequently leveled against me by people who seem to be doing pretty well in life?

I don't really care what people think, other than the handful of those who are near and dear to me. As far as I'm concerned, most people are a total waste of the brain cells and lives they received (tsk,tsk, that isn't very charitable) and they hardly ever ask me for my opinion on their life choices, so thank you very much, but no, I don't need theirs about mine. What does matter to me is being able to look at myself in the mirror every morning without feeling ashamed of something I have done.

In my opinion, I play down a lot of the horrors in my past (and current life), but what if that isn't the case? I get a lot of grief from people (family in particular) who tell me that I should move on with life and quit thinking about the past. But when my present is constantly triggering that past, it makes more sense to me to try to work through those things and get them settled (as best they can be).

Part of it may also be that my present life isn't stable enough to allow me to just get it all out of my system and move on productively. See, in addition to the old stuff, there's also the new stuff which piles up at a fairly constant rate and which triggers similar elements in the old. I end up playing damage control, dealing with whatever is freaking me out the worst. This occurs every couple of days.

At any rate, people accuse me of invoking my disability inappropriately. I am regularly told that I am "normal", which frankly, is insulting. Yeah, that's right. Telling me that I am normal is not only not helpful, it's not a compliment. It implies also that if I'm odd or strange or impaired, I must be going to extreme lengths to do so. Mostly though, I don't find normalcy to be all that appealing. It isn't something I ever aspire to be- being a more functional, less freaked out version of myself is the goal, not being a sheeple clone. :-/

Is it unfair to society for me to be at relative peace with the labels that describe me? And if so, why? Is it unfair for me to demand that they accept me as I am, within reason?

Sometimes I feel as though my heart is a ruptured uterus, bleeding after a stillbirth. And the doctors won't answer any questions. They won't tell me why, why did it die? Was it something I did? When did it die, did it live at all? Why? They close their faces to me. All they say is that they will not answer questions, that I have to stop asking why and just get over it. Was it their fault? This is the question I am not allowed to ask. I must forget. But I cannot forget and I am not a person who can ever stop asking questions. Please, can I just see it, so that I can know that it's dead? No. A thousand times, no.

A nurse whispers to me a conspiracy theory. I consider, then sweep it aside in my mind. I cannot believe in such heartlessness. But confronted with the cold wall of silence, of not asking, of not knowing anything.....her words haunt me sometimes.

I cannot know, and I am broken inside. I cannot carry love within me like that again.

Picked European prune plums, grapes, and a few apples last weekend, drying the prunes right now (some of them). Will dry more and make the rest into plum jam. Picked apples from wild and abandoned trees today with two of my sons. I love my kids.....we had so much fun together. Applesauce tomorrow? And---> elderberry picking! (syrup!)

Here is a better shot of it! Heh....that is such a cute, sad face.

These are pictures of goldfish that I just got. I'm sorry the images aren't bigger, will enlarge and crop them next time. The biggest one amuses me, because he has such a forlorn looking little face, bluish eyes, and even though the others are much smaller, this is the shy one! Whenever he sees me, (actually, it could be a she?) he hurries and hides, and peeks out cautiously. lol.....

Being poor isn't a crime, and people should not be deprived of basic human rights because they are poor. We shouldn't be treated like criminals.

Also--> Only senior housing is exempted from the Fair Housing Amendments Act of 1988, which prohibits discrimination based on race, color, religion, sex, national origin, handicap and familial status (in general, the presence of children under the age of 18 in the household).HUD link Where I live is not Senior Housing, therefore, it is illegal to discriminate against kids being there.

Another much more specific link.

Earth to all social workers and mental health professionals: People who are disabled, poor, disadvantaged, etc, may not be in the best position in life, but they still don't enjoy being treated like children. Being in a bad position or having made bad choices doesn't necessarily mean that a person is unintelligent or oblivious to reality. And as with the legacy of slavery in this country, being disadvantaged often entails smiling and scraping and pretense of gratitude.

I am not good at that. I was not born to this life and I have this silly idea that all humans are equal. I expect to retain my basic human dignity, even if I've been working in the dirt all day or thumbing my way down the road. I don't care who you are, talking down to me may be tolerated, but it is unlikely to be overlooked. Abuse of power is duly noted, cataloged away, but not all that surprising once you get over the initial shock. Besides, abuse of power has been encountered before, if not by parents, then by abusive spouses or partners. The strategies used there carry over here, too, as do all the same old resentments.

The one thing I have noticed is that people who have been born to this life are totally disillusioned with the concept of justice. They have given up. They don't fight. No, they expect dishonesty and injustice. What is intolerable for me is often business as usual for them. They have no hope in what other people take for granted, however irked they are by its counterpart.

Sometimes one is inclined to agree with them.

My bleeping dog went out and rolled in roadkill and stinks like decomp....and then tried to climb into my bed. Um, no!

I don't mean to sound like a bitch here, but I am so tired of having dogs in the house 24/7. I love my dogs, but canines were never intended to live in a house full time. They are dogs, not children.

Speaking of which....it irritates me when people do that "my dogs are my children" thing. I guess that I feel like it shows a lack of appreciation and value for children. It isn't like there is any shortage of still-fairly-young-although-not-infant aged kids who need homes or to simply to be befriended or mentored. There are scores of children like that and they stay like that until they are too old to be in the system any longer. Why squander love for a child on a dog as a substitute?!

OK, whatever...it is not my business.....but it still irks me!

So much of the past year is just a haze. I only remember the sharp, angry things, the stabbing, gut wrenching pain things....and.....the beautiful things. The things that I would go through all of that all over again for.

Perhaps this is foolish of me.

But I am grateful to have been able to feel these things, however hopelessly. And I cannot find it within myself to be angry. I wish I had handled things better than I did....I wish I had been more careful for your sake. Wish I had been more patient, more cautious, more restrained.

But if life were rewound a year back, I would fall for you even if I knew....and make no mistake, I knew. I knew what sort of pain was ahead of me, but pain fades and...the beautiful things, they don't fade. I have them always in my mind.

People don't appreciate food enough. Seriously. We eat it every day and we just take it for granted. A lot of people don't even bother to really taste what they eat. Food should taste great. It should be well grown. It should not ever, ever, ever be covered in catsup or obliterated with salt, sugar, or fat. That is all.

Why would I want to work at a school that apparently isn't accommodating of children like mine, or of how I was as a child? Also, if the economy continues to tank, and if peak oil becomes a reality (and it seems pretty inevitable), are people going to have the discretionary income to spend 3 or 4 K a year per kid at an expensive private school?

Screw that. -------> Food. People always need it, factory farming is going to become less and less tenable as oil becomes more scarce and I not only like to grow food, I'm actually good at it. Employment is guaranteed and income depends mostly on what crops I grow, planning, marketing, etc.... not the whims of some boss or manager.

Hmmm. This is an interesting concept: Why being broken in a pile on your bedroom floor is a good idea.

I suppose that with an Interdisciplinary Botany/Psych degree, I'd be uniquely fitted to work at a Camphill Village. I've mentioned Camphill often here, so I'll post a link: Camphill, Copake, New York. There are others across the country, but I've only been to the one in Copake, so can't really say what the others are like except that they all operate on more or less the same principles.

The primary drawback to this is that I have almost no use for anthroposophy. The allure, aside from the sort of lifestyle that I'd prefer to be living anyway, the fantastic food, and the desire to give something back to the world, would be this: "Life at Camphill Village is based on the active affirmation of the dignity, spiritual integrity, and valued contribution of each individual." (quote from above website) I was only there for a week or less, but I tell you, that place felt like home. The pay is unimpressive, but all of one's needs are accounted for, so (shrug).

I guess my other main bitch would be that I like to have my own farming projects going, and farming/gardening/raising livestock is one area of my life where I turn into the control freak from hell. I simply do not like for whatever I'm doing in this arena to be fucked around with at all. I don't like people telling me what to do, interfering, taking over, etc. I sometimes let people help....if they are people who will respect that this is my pursuit and the plants, animals, etc, have got to be respected.

I'm not proud of being that way, but it is what it is, and it probably is not going to change for the simple reason that it isn't high enough on the priority action list to be dealt with. As an aside, this is also the number one reason that I am unlikely to pair up with another hardcore farming type. Look, we all have our faults......

Hmm. I wonder what it takes to teach at a Waldorf school?

Wait- NIC doesn't have an agriculture degree anymore.

Another option: Interdisciplinary Studies This would give me a chance to combine Botany and Art. Or Botany and Psychology. What would I do with this sort of degree? Hmmm.

I could also transfer to another college and take up Ag there...but the plain truth is that I want to practice farming, not sit in a classroom hearing about it for 3 more years. :-/ I also don't especially want to be so far away from my kids, although Moscow, Idaho is an incredible and vibrant place to live.

Here are the Botany Degree Requirements. I would have to take both Chem classes, Physics, and another fairly difficult math classes after the one I've taken five times (yes...five times). That's 18 credits, not including the three from the doomed math class. And I think that if I intend to pass Chem 11 and Chem 112, it would be wise to take Chem 101 over again and to understand it thoroughly. I think I got a C in it, possibly a B-.

On the other hand.....with 20 science credits under my belt already, I could very easily do the Interdisciplinary Studies degree (still trying to figure out why I'd wanna do that instead of general studies though).

Decision: I am going to take the college algebra class in the spring semester. this impossibly difficult class is still only 3 credits, a fact which baffles me, so I will need 3 more credits in order to be attending school half time. Those 3 credits should probably be in abnormal psychology, because once the DSM V comes out and makes it way into a textbook, I'll have to buy a new book.....an unnecessary expenditure of money. Whether or not I go into a psych field or anything similar, this class is practical because A: I already failed it and I need to bring my GPA up, B: I need credits to fill degree requirements and C: it is practical in my everyday life (hey- no laughing!).
It's an easy class. I didn't fail it because it was difficult, I failed it because I was totally non-functional.

Between now and then, I should be focusing on things which will ensure my success in the spring semester and which will make life more workable and less complicated. This may include studying both books ahead of time since I have them both and finding a more suitable living situation with less stress.

I cannot lie. It hurts me to no longer be a botany major. If (lmao!) I could get a good (at least a B) grade in that math class, I could potentially get a degree in sustainable agriculture. In order to get the botany/biology degree, I'd have to get a grip on chemistry.

And speaking of chemistry and math and difficult subjects...I got a book on ADD. There is an awful lot of overlap between Asperger's and ADD. As usual with non-fiction books, I didn't start the book from the beginning (I just open it at random places and read for a few pages from wherever the book happened to open or get interesting) and I haven't read the whole thing, so perhaps I'm mistaken. Apparently social gaffes and boundary issues and having trouble focusing in the face of competing stimuli are not limited to aspies. Neither is being clueless or having major problems with interpersonal relationships. Have I been misdiagnosed or???? Is there anything that can be done to enable me to focus long enough to actually comprehend the material and pass the class? Is there hope for someone like me? I don't know the answers to these questions yet....but I do know that my IQ is high enough that I should be able to pass the classes which are giving me trouble. I'm not stupid. Socially clueless and clumsy, sure....but not stupid. :-/

Speaking of food......for all my criticism and discussion about other people's food choices, I don't generally detail my own. Well, that's not fair.

So.....aside from the basic preferences, allergies and aversions, there is also Jen's personal code of ethics (yeah, she does have one), which is that morality is defined by whether or not the behavior or action in question is sustainable. Things which are not sustainable over the long term if most people did them are not sustainable and are therefore immoral...generally speaking.

For example, it is unethical in my book, to eat things such as eagles because eagles do not reproduce quickly enough to sustain that kind of predation by humans. GMO crops are unethical because it isn't sustainable to fuck around haphazardly with nature and to breed for seed that contaminates open pollinated, non-GMO crops with much wider genetic diversity. It isn't sustainable for every human on earth to eat meat three times a day- our planet simply will not sustain this without doing damage to the environment, therefore high meat consumption, especially meat from CAFO operations, is unethical. Soy, rapeseed (canola), corn....all GMO so all therefore unethical. Cutting down rainforests to grow coffe, chocolate, etc...unethical because unsustainable. Conventional agriculture....not sustainable.

Some of this can be gotten around by buying Fair Trade, Rainforest Certified, Organic, etc. I attempt also to take positive steps, such as....purchasing tree-grown foods when possible. In my mind, trees are a long term commitment, one that can last after we're all dead and gone. Annual crops are the equivalent of a one night stand. Perennials, more like a long term relationship. Generally speaking, annual crops are subject to exploiting resources, not investing much. Tree grown food (nuts, fruit, tree derived oils) relies on the grower caring for the tree, staying put, giving back.

At least, that's the way my romantic little head thinks of it. :-P