I really hate the double standard that seems to be a fundamental component of the male/female relationship dynamic. And sure, the double standard cuts both ways, I get that. But it seems to me that as people, we should all strive to think outside the box, to think critically about what we say and do and whether things are equitable.

I want to feel valued. I want to feel that the level of importance and meaning I assign to my loved ones is reciprocal.

But I don't. I feel peripheral, like interacting with me at all is a chore. And I am self centered enough to think that it shouldn't be that way...that I'm worth something.

I am getting almost nothing done. I could try to blame it on ADD or executive function deficits due to the Asperger's syndrome, but probably it is due more to the concussion....although in truth, flakiness has been a perennial problem for me, just not to this extreme degree.

I was supposed to go to my meeting today and ask them for help getting me to Midwinter Gathering. I did not do this, even though I had fully intended to, for the past month or two, and today in particular. Why not? I haven't gone to meeting since the concussion...or, if I have, I don't remember it. Every time they see me, some new calamity has occurred- a housefire, homelessness, a breakdown, and now a concussion that left me stumbling and staggering like a drunk. Also I was mentally exhausted and in addition, tired of relaying the story of how I got hurt, tired of the pity. At any rate, showing up now to ask for financial help going to anything...seems pretty tacky. Still, I had committed myself to this embarrassing request, having affirmed to a person in charge that I would do so. But I didn't. Why? Well, because. I woke up throughout the night and managed to get back to sleep again, had nightmares that my favorite kitten died, and when I awoke in the morning, my shoulder and neck muscles were tight to the point of nausea. My partner kindly massaged them for me, and when I finally succumbed to his siren call of coffee and got out of bed, I was an hour too late for meeting. And then, as the caffeine pulsed life giving energy into my mind, I realized that the person I needed to ask is a snowbird and wouldn't be at our meeting anyway....but...that's a bad excuse.

And it's like that with nearly everything I do. Every little thing is such a huge effort! Even writing this. I feel so lazy....

This has been a difficult week. Nothing catastrophic has happened; I am just feeling worn down, disheartened, running out of hope, and like giving up.

I didn't hit my head very hard. So I don't understand why I'm as impaired as I am, 4 months after the accident. Yes, it was my fifth concussion....but...something seems not right here.

And my partner....who tries as hard as he can to be patient with me...he doesn't need this. I guess I didn't need it when he got hurt either, but that was beside the point. And really, who needs any of the unpleasant shit life throws at us? We all get stuff we don't need, want or deserve, and the people we love have to deal with it too. Still. Have to find a way to minimize the stress....