I finally slept, really slept, and dreamed. It felt so good, and I actually feel sane and refreshed for a change.

I think I need to make a real commitment to my art and start working on it on a serious level, or otherwise, just resign myself to struggling along with whatever jobs I can get and hope to do well enough to get paid better at some point. I am still into the whole farming thing, but unless we can get a Camphill Village started in this area (which would be fantastic), or I get rich, or I somehow get over you and fall in love with a guy with land, the simple truth is that I am not going to be able to farm, at least not in the near future. Period.

I have more to say about this topic, but I have a bunch of rocks to unload from my truck before I go off in pursuit of fun this weekend....

Outkast - Git Up, Git Out

Speaking of Chicago and of when I was a teen...I like this song. It reminds me of that. And....though I never, ever get high....I could probably use the advice here... :-P

Chicago - Stay The Night ~Official video!

A video that's actually fun to watch...heh.

I used to love this song as a teen....my dad disapproved of it as too sexual. It seemed pretty hard core at the time...lol.

So tired of hurting. So tired of pretending to be OK. So tired of trying to move on. Of not being able to sleep soundly. So, so tired of trying to understand and coming up for air with my hands full of questions but never any answers. So tired of not looking people in the eye so they won't see the pain. Of putting on the act. I'm so tired of it. So tired.

Thinking.....I guess I felt like you really saw me, like you understood me, really heard me, like I was a real person in your eyes. I should have known better. Things like that don't happen to me. Things like that are for other people. People who are beautiful. People who are socially adept and who have all the right answers at all the right times whether or not the answers are true or sincere.

When am I going to learn?

I looked into your eyes and I saw something there. I saw you and I loved you and I fell into those blue, blue eyes. So blue. Like falling into sky.

I say this all in the past tense.....sigh....but I love you still. If I saw you again, my heart would melt as quickly as ever, leaving me open and aching for the smallest crumb of acknowledgment that I exist, that I matter. I don't learn. My heart is stubborn and it cannot accept the way that you say things have to be. I can't accept the way things are. That you can't even stand to walk past me, to look at me, to drive past me. I cannot conceive of or accept this kind of hatred. People say I have to. I can't. It's not OK. I don't care what anyone says. It is not OK to treat me like this when the only crime I've committed is to let my heart crack like an egg....as though I could have stopped it.

Why do some women within a certain circle (liberal, sort of hippie, younger set) make hummy, purring sounds? Is it something that happens when you smoke pot, or is it a mannerism, or do men find it attractive? It's pleasant enough, but I don't know how to respond to it, because these sounds seem to be used in lieu of speech at times. And....I just cannot bring myself to make these sounds as a response. It just isn't me, lol.

Bring Me to Life - Evanescence

Ha. Fat chance....but sometimes I think that's why you won't look at me anymore. :-/

Going Under Lyrics Evanescence

Eminem ft. Rihanna - Love the Way You Lie (song + lyrics)

Can't believe I'm listening to this voluntarily....but right now it's the only music that makes me feel better.

:Whine: I want to play, and there's no one to play with except for my kid. And....the neighbor kid, who's about 8. Between sentences I'm going out and kicking a soccer ball around with him. Which is fun...but...although it sounds mean, sometimes it would be nice to have an adult to play with. lol. Right now I want something active or even rough, but even just to play a game of chess or Boggle or cards or Yahtzee or mancala or whatever once in awhile...geez.

Being a single mother is like having all the responsibilities of being married (except for the part where you have to have sex whether you want to or not) and all the disadvantages of being a bachelor(ette) without most of the perks of either.

Dammit, I wanna play catch or frisbee or that version of football where you knock people down.....grrrrrrr.....I need to get out and have some fun.

Running out of rope. Don't know what to do.

I have been plagued for some time by my youngest son, Charlie, getting into my art stuff. He empties the little containers of graphite for the mechanical pencils, scribbles with my pastels, breaks my charcoal, dumps out the metallic powders used for special effects, and I just discovered a puddle of misket (expensive!!!) on my art desk. He find my Sharpie markers and draws on the walls (Sharpie is so hard to clean off walls without removing paint!), uses up my tracing paper....etc. I put his crayons in a dishpan, and his coloring books nestle in on top of the crayons, and I shoved that into a cupboard in the kitchen island. When he colors and draws, there is paper all over the kitchen floor to step around, and believe me, he gets upset if I step on or move any of them while I'm cooking or walking around. Worst of all, his coolest drawings get wrecked from being on the floor. Clearly, we have some needs which need to be addressed.

So I cleaned out the desk that used to belong to my eldest son (that was a little hard) and filled the drawers with Charlies art supplies and some of the things of mine that he seemed to really like, such as the soft pastel samples that were on sale at the college for .25 each. He has a flat surface to draw on, a drawer to store his finished work in, hmmmm...he needs a chair. I am hoping to get some butcher paper and just cover the walls of that corner in several layers of it. If it weren't for the sensory issues involved with chalk (I can't stand the stuff), I'd get him a blackboard. Or if I can get one cheaply, a whiteboard... But paper is cheaper anyway.

Hopefully he will have room to work and express himself, because he really does turn out some nice drawings.

I guess that it is still hard for me to accept that my eldest son is gone. Although he was a pain in the ass, and always knew exactly where to drive the knife in and when....he and I shared a very close bond, and I sometimes feel that I've failed him by letting/having him move. I hope that things work out for him where he is....I really, really do. I guess we aren't supposed to get as close to our children as I was to him...it feels like a betrayal to use what was his space for something else.

A truth---> You don't see strong negative emotions or marked reactions unless there has been some kind of equally strong attachment.

Got wheels! Bicycle wheels, that is. :-)

My long term goal is to ride to and from town from where I live (a half hour drive, but about a third or more of that is due to waiting at stoplights). Oh, it felt so good to have the wind in my face and to soar and glide like a bird. I think I just need exercise.

Rihanna - Cry, with lyrics.

Today...I made..let's see. What did I make?

A bowl (size and shape for cereal or soup)
A bowl with a paper thin feathered edge.
All the components for a teapot- have to assemble it on Monday

And I started on another ugly fish. I'm not happy with it right now, even though it has a mouthful of teeth and I am trying a new type of eye. Need to start constructing the head differently. Right now I cut two fish body shapes from clay and join them together with paper in between to hold the shape. The head is simply a continuation of the body. This is problematic because this means that the head has a seam running from forehead to chin. Then when I cut the mouth, it's even weaker. Smoothing the seam and everything else to try to get an even thickness in the head and inner mouth (which shows, because the mouths gape open) is difficult. Then I have to put the lips onto the cut that is the mouth, being especially careful of the corners. If I insert teeth, there is a tendency for the mouth to tear if I'm not careful. So the head now has a big slice out of it with weight hanging on that cut, a seam intersecting that cut above and below....and then I cut the eye holes, weakening it further...and then I cut the gills.

This give me a head that is basically a continuation of the body. It's just staring straight ahead. Unless I mount it on a platform or hang it, it has to be mounted on a wall like a taxidermied fish...so you only see one side of the head, only half of its expression. That bothers me, it's too restrictive.

I am thinking that if I make the head separately from pieces so that the bisecting seam is eliminated and the cut is simply an open section of seam, the head will be stronger and I can turn it towards the viewer. Thsi is what I did with "Ugly", the brown fish below. Hmmm. Thinking...

This is the Sea Bass, one of the two ceramic fish that made it into the NIC student art show.

Broken-Hearted Girl Beyonce Lyrics