What's changed this year? More stress overall. Job loss, an additional concussion. The chronic, long term stress caused by a prolonged recovery, exacerbated by already existing health issues on both sides. But also, a kicking and screaming inner resistance against wanting a repeat of 2013's summer. I really wanted quality time this year, felt like I'd endured a horrible winter and wanted to bask in the reward of the summer sun and warmth and take advantage of some of the fun stuff our area offers this time of year. This hasn't materialized as I had hoped and my emphasis on wanting it seems only to have cemented against it. I will admit to growing grudgy, crabby, and jealous on this count, and to struggling with comparisons with other women, wondering what they've got that I don't. I have been feeling really negative and pessimistic about these things. Have been thinking of them as "The Popular Girls", "The Birthday Girls".....and so on....which, honestly, doesn't make me feel any better. I have agonized over what shortcomings I might have, why I might not be good enough for the things that these other girls get, and for happy outdoor adventures. Have kicked myself for not having enough money, thinking that if I had money, things would be different/better/whatever. I have been feeling bitter, left out, socially excluded, like I'm back in grade school again. That stuff people say about negativity hurting the bearer of it more than other people? It's true.
Meanwhile, I could be doing fun outdoor stuff with my kids. Yes, it would be 200% better if my partner was with me. Yes, it would be nice if we could have quality time. All I really, really wanted this weekend was to be able to talk to him about farming stuff...but I wasted most of my weekend feeling sad and left out. I need to just give up on hoping for his participation/involvement and resolve to do that fun stuff whether he's there or not, and NOT waste time moping around, hoping that he'll go on a walk or a bike ride or to the beach with me, if I'm patient. I wish that I could do these things with him, but sitting around feeling upset about it is just unproductive and makes me feel even more sad.