Why is it that I can go all day long and keep up a good front while I'm crumbling away inside, and then cry half the night? I must look like I have a heart of ice to the casual onlooker. I don't....but I just don't know how to show feelings, and even if I did, then they'd just say, "well, take him back then!".

But it isn't that. It's the whole hopelessness of it all. I am so fucking BORED. I really, *really* want an intelligent conversation, or just to go out and do something different for a change. It's not going to happen. It isn't so much that I'm ugly, because I've observed other people who are quite a bit uglier and seem happily mated with plenty of friends. It's that I take things so seriously and don't have any social charm. I'm afraid to flirt (don't want to seem like a slut or to let on that a guy is attractive to me), my sense of humor is not funny to a lot of people, and I can switch from laughing my head off to dead serious in seconds, which really seems to throw others for a loop.

So I just look through them and tune them out. They don't see me anyway...not really.