- I am currently watching a documentary (Rivers and Tides) about Andy Goldsworthy. I love the purity of his art, both the medium and that he does his art not for a gallery or to sell, but because he needs to. That his work is free of commercial concerns makes it purer to me. Maybe this isn't accurate...maybe he does get paid somehow, I don't know.
- I did something terribly sinful and foolish today and bought a few ounces of a 50/50 silk merino blend roving....and some wool mohair blend as well, which was much cheaper than the silk blend. I should not have bought the silk...but I wanted it with a sort of intensity that was almost....(shiver)
- The colors used in the silk/merino blend are inspiring to me though...and I can achieve them with the stuff I have at home. It's a warm russety brown, the color my hair used to be in the sun when it was long, or when I was a child, blending into a rich charcoal, shimmering throughout with strands of silk. It is beautiful, beautiful. The mohair/wool (mohair comes from angora goats by the way) roving is a lighter shade of the reddish brown, the color of cinnamon sugared toast when it's just right.
- I want to hike up to Beehive Lakes this summer (the stone cairns Andy Goldsworthy is building on the movie are reminding me of this) and camp overnight there this time. Last time I just went up, saw, and came back down...no time to even enjoy it really.
- People are giving alpacas and angora goats away...and I can't have any because I have no place to keep them. I know that I am a selfish thing to think of acquiring animals when I have children to think of and need to find a place to live yet. Sigh...I need animals though....dogs are alright, but they don't have the same calming energy that larger, ruminating animals do.
- But at least I live in a beautiful place, with forests and trees and streams, mosses and lichens and woodland plants and moist rich smelling soil in some places and aromatic woody pine needle carpets in the higher, dry areas. I don't think I could feel sane at all, like myself at all, without the outdoors and without animals.
- I wish that I could have the sea as well...(another selfish thing)...perhaps someday, but not soon, I don't think. I love the way the moist sea air smells, the mist and the fog....it is even better than rain.
- And...I am thinking about the work I'm doing with my therapist. I don't know what the future holds for me. Sometimes I feel a glimpse of it, but really, there is no way to know. I can only hope that it will be better than the past has been and strive towards that goal. But I don't know. I hope that someday I will be partnered....but if it isn't someone that I can love from the depths of my soul, then I would rather be alone. It is much, much better to be alone than to be in a relationship which lacks sincerity.
- I do know that if I should ever find myself in someone's arms again, I want to be there, to really be there, in the moment, not floating away, not disappearing with my mind to another place. I've spent all my life locked away, protected within myself...imprisoned. I want to be free. Whether or not it's fair is inconsequential, but in order to be present, to stay present, I will need to do the necessary work.
- When I spend so much time living inside my head, a head full of years of negative programming and trauma and pain, is it any wonder if I'm depressed? Maybe when I get free of that I'll feel better in a more general sense as well.
Sunday, February 19, 2012