Saturday, April 21, 2012

Had a nice walk; lots of Trilliums and Erythronium grandiflorum. My youngest son was so enthusiastic about everything he encountered, the mosses especially.

I need to stop complaining and pining for what isn't, to enjoy what is (and honestly, there's plenty of good stuff if I can quit kvetching or crying long enough to see it), to live in the present....because this is a waste. Also, even the things that get me down have their bright side.

Just being able to miss someone, to wish things were different, to long for their perspective and conversation....At least there is someone to miss, at least I have had the opportunity of having known someone who was so unique that their place cannot be filled or forgotten.

If my bed is empty, there's also a freedom in being able to stretch out without hogging space or disturbing someone else. And very few things are worse than having to sleep every night in a bed with a hostile person that you're afraid of, a person who might elbow or kick you while you sleep, snap at you if you touch them, or suddenly begin yelling at you, or try to force themselves on you. I remember well how I longed to have a restful, unworried, uninterrupted sleep, a sleep where I would not have to be tense with fear. How good it felt when finally, I was able to sleep alone without being harassed or intimidated. There are much, much worse things in life than sleeping alone and I must take care not to ever have those things happen to me again.

Also, I need to start eating. By eating, I mean something other than a 20 oz mocha, a ginger ale, maybe a smoothie, and a KIND bar...possibly something small for dinner. Losing fat and getting muscle is one thing; losing weight due to neglect is another. So, I have resumed eating meat in a serious way (as opposed to the occasional german sausage), fruit...need to start eating veggies again too and lay off the sugar.

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