Thanks to the schizophrenic guy, afraid to go home, but have to, because the dogs are there.
If offered a choice, I'd rather face that guy than to feel that tightly curling, afraid feeling...that fogging away, losing myself in the dissociation. It is so hard not to be afraid.
It feels like a spring, winding up tighter and tighter in my chest and belly. The sensation of pressure, of imploding, of the spring about to snap and cut me up inside. It hurts, and I wish...I wish that I could make it stop, that I could be as brave within as I pretend to be on the outside.
All I want...is for once...to be good enough for someone that I can truly love. To feel safe and secure. I don't care about money or pretty things or anything like that....just.... Ugh. This is not such a good day.