Wednesday, September 28, 2005

I've had this book for some time without ever reading it. It's one of these that has an entry for each day of the year, and you read it and it's supposed to give you cause to think, or something productive to do or mull over. A modern day devotional, if you will. So I picked it up and flipped through it somewhat aimlessly...

April 27

Tell someone you love him or her.

It could be someone who obviously knows you love her, or someone who doesn't, or even someone who isn't quite sure. The point is, to speak, to say the words. (a few extraneous sentences) Don't worry about the other person's reaction. Some people will tell you right back that they love you, some people will be ambarrassed by your outward show of affection, and others will pretend that they didn't hear you.

(from How to be Happier Day by Day by Alan Epstein, Phd. This is copyrighted material and all that jazz.....)

My soul is full of irony.
Yesterday: I had three doctor or midwife appointments, all before noon. One of them got cancelled due to time crunch. Then I had to rush back here (Priest River, about 45 minutes away)to meet my friend, who was picking up some goats to take to the sale in Lewiston. She and I and another gal all pooled a handful of goats each to make the trip worthwhile, with each of us also pitching in for the gas. I was apprehensive, because I could only think of one or two does that I wanted to get rid of...and she needed to take more than that (and of course, I needed to sell more than that). Well, unbeknownst to me, one of the does I had in mind had expired a month before. She simply wasn't there. Nevertheless, we located a number of candidates in pretty short time, and I ended up sending seven off. There are still three buck kids (two for meat and one for potential breeding stock sale) and my oldest queen doe(to be sent away to retire at a nice place). After that I will have about only twenty left, which is quite a bit more managable. Best of all, I didn't cry or feel bad or guilty this time. The ones I sent weren't special and I won't miss them...some of them had bad attitudes and were troublemakers. One had hooked another doe's collar with her horns and was proceeding to drag her captive around the pen choking!! She went....and good riddance, too!

After that we had to run and pick up my daughter from her school, and then hurry back in time for me to go to work until 8 at night. It was a hectic day...but I'm glad that the excess goat problem was resolved a bit.

Also--> is this retarded or what?! Apparently Bonner General hospital will not allow a VBAC (vaginal birth after Ceasarian) for any reason, unless you are actually crowning (i.e, the baby is coming out) when you step into the door of the hospital. They say the liability for a VBAC is too high. This iritates me to no end. My first birth was a C-section, for reasons totally unlikely to recur. I have since had four normal vaginal births, three of which were at home. Yet, if I go to the hospital, I am too high risk to have a vaginal birth and they will force me to have another C-section!!! ::IRK::

The whole reason I was considering even the remote possibility of a hospital birth is that I had some serious cardiac arrhythmia during my last labor and birth. I was too close to having the baby to be moved to a hospital by then..moving me would have been riskier then just following through at that point, and we both came through it OK. If I start to have the arrhythmia again during this pregnancy (as I did last time) I would just as soon take the hospital route just in case....because I don't want to die just yet, thanks...and my net research indicates that this problem tends to get worse with each successive pregnancy. However, the thought of going under anesthesia and getting a C-section with a severely irregular heartbeat scares the living crap out of me!!! The whole idea was to have less risk, not more....

Groan...Newport hospital (Washington, just over the border) is apparently the only alternative nearby. Newport has such an abyssmal reputation that people go 30 miles further to Sandpoint because we are, almost across the board, from what I can tell, scared silly of going to Newport unless it is an absolute last resort. I can't think of anyone who voluntarily chooses to go there except under duress or for an emergency. It's actually kind of amazing that they're still in business.

I have no idea what I am going to do, other than another home birth and accepting the attendant risk involved.
An observation of artistic depictions of fairies and other winged humanoid-type fantasy creatures: Have you ever noticed that the wings are usually entirely too small and inadequate to actually support the weight of the fairy (or whatever)?Most insects, especially those who fly for extended distances or on a regular basis (as opposed to those who fly very briefly and occasionally, i.e. some beetles), have wings that are at least the size of their own body. What I mean is, each wing is about the size of the body or larger. In some cases, such as butterflies, moth, and dragonflies, the wings pretty much dwarf the rest of the insect.

Most or many representations of fairies have wings that are just large enough to be decorative but not useful. Often the wings are shown supporting the creature in a position that would not actually be seen in nature, and fairies who've landed still have their wings (decoratively) unfolded and displayed, not tucked away neatly and insects and birds do.

:Chamoisee ponders execution of a more realistic but still attractive depiction of fairies: If I do it, I'll try to post a picture of the results here.

Monday, September 19, 2005

I don't feel like myself without the goats. They have become as integral to my identity as my children.

Today a co-worker asked, "Well, how many goats do you have?"

"Forty or fifty."

Her jaw dropped open....There might be only 30-40, but I think it's probably above forty.

At least she didn't ask me why I have the goats...because that'd be a harder question for me to answer.

How can I explain how stressful it is for me to be surrounded by people, even perfectly nice people, all day long? To constantly have to stretch and strain my mind and conciousness to accomodate their patterns of thought, their ways of doing things? To hear them, smell them, see them, be seen by them, try not to bump into them or be inadvertently touched by them, and the list goes on.... If I'm already stressed or in pain then it takes even more effort to cope. I must be doing OK, because I haven't had any panic/anxiety attacks for a long time. Mostly I just feel very, very tired of people and exhausted.

The goats are the antidote, the counterbalance to all this. They don't care if I flap or talk to myself or hold entire conversations with them about my fantasies and daydreams and ideas. They don't care much what I look like, and they prefer my ordered routine for feeding and milking them. Not only do they not care that I'm different, but they seem more bonded with me and less flighty than around other people. We have a connection, we understand one another. I can go to them all stressed out, in tears, I can be at the point of breaking down entirely....and they pull me through, they calm me and the rest of the world fades away amid the calm cud chewing, amber eyed, familiar goaty faces. :-)

Sunday, September 18, 2005

I am completely confused and befuddled by the mysteries of the male penis and sex drive, and not sure I'll ever really figure it out:

  • A guy can get an erection for a girl he wants to be with.
  • A guy can be attracted to a girl and want to sleep with her but be unable to have the erection.
  • A guy can have an erection, even to the extent of being triggered by the presence of the girl, and yet have no desire to sleep with her?
  • A guy can have an erection for and want to screw a girl that he feels nothing for. He might even dislike or hate her.

It all seems hopelessly disconnected and nonsensical to me....

As a female, it seems pretty cut and dried. If I want to be with someone, I tend to feel aroused. I don't think I've ever felt turned on by someone I didn't want. Sometimes I love a person and feel affection for them, but am not in the mood; however, I don't feel desire at that time. It's sort of either there or it isn't. How in the heck men can claim that women and women's desire is complicated is beyond me...