Monday, October 20, 2014

Feeling disenchanted, lonely. Also my head feels spinny, but enough sleep deprivation will do that. Grrr.....

Wednesday, October 01, 2014 triggered again today. It doesn't take much, but the triggers can be identified. The thing is, it happens so easily. It hurts me so much. Little things that shouldn't trigger me so badly, do. I feel so vulnerable and weak and ashamed of myself. It's horrible and I hate having to deal with it.

I try to tell myself that I was worse a year or two ago. That I'm actually doing better. It's not convincing enough. I don't want to feel this fragile, this easily shaken up, for the rest of my life. :-(

I would really like it if I could have a relationship in which the other party and I loved one another to the same degree/in the same way. I'm not saying that I need to "fall" in love. Growing into love would be fine. It wouldn't have to happen simultaneously. Or with fireworks. I just want to know that I'm safe, that the other would be just as injured by the loss of me as I'd be by the loss of them. I want to know that I am not disposable.

OK, so I just wrote that, and it looks selfish to me now. :-(