Monday, May 30, 2011

I miss you like a drowning man misses the sunshine, the air, the sky.

And yet....if I really love you, I have to leave you alone so I won't mess up your life, have to try to get to my feet and pick up some thread of life to work from.

This is so hard to do.

I think of you, see you, dream of you, hear someone say your name, see a car that looks like yours....and it's like being punched in the gut. Well, no. It lasts a lot longer than that. Something in me keens for you sharply, feels like I can't breathe in this vacuum, desperate to get out....but then I ask myself, do I want to make trouble for you, to hurt you, to be more of pain than I've already been? And always, the answer is no....No, I'd rather die than to do that. I think of my past offenses, and I can't undo those....but what I can do is not to raise any more hell than I already have. I close my eyes and see your face again...and the panic dies down and there's only a dull and hollow ache with the swirling grays of sadness.

But oh, how I miss the fleeting breeze of your scent, the kind, warm sound of your voice....

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Got most of the rest of the herb garden planted yesterday, along with various seedlings. I had such high hopes for this years growing season, and then I just flopped, just couldn't pull it together, couldn't get much of anything done other than simply staying alive and keeping my kids safe. I sit here surrounded by several pounds of garden seeds that I searched out painstakingly, ordered online, collected and hoarded like a miser...Ah, the seeds reproach me.

And the people, the people reproach me, too. They're worried, they're upset, they expected more of me, and I've let them down. They don't understand why I can't pull it together. Why this should wound me so deeply. And neither do I, to be honest. Sometimes I look at you and I ask myself what on earth it was about you that hooked me. I realize with a bit of a shock that I am thoroughly broken up over a man who's fairly unremarkable. You aren't, objectively speaking, outstandly good looking or brilliant or charming. Why does my heart scream so insistently that you're absolutely irreplacable, that nobody else can ever take your place? Is it some magical combination of qualities? I mean, this thing is so irrational. I am left confused and bewildered, struggling to figure out exactly why this should hurt the way it does. I could land other men who'd be gentle, who like kids, who I could trust not to hurt me, who'd be just as good looking and who'd actually talk to me. Why the fuck does it have to be you?

This is so stupid.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Bird On A Wire - KD Lang Max Sessions 2005

I miss you with an ache like a stone in my stomach.....I miss you so, so much, but what can I do?

Maybe I'm clueless, but try as I might, I just can't figure things out....

Sunday, May 15, 2011

KD Lang Save Me

The Beatles - With a Little Help from My Friends.

I should have known better than to write that...the truck broke down immediately afterwards.... :-/

The good news is that I was only a mile or two from home, had a bicycle in the truck, was able to pull over in a designated pull out area and it is currently being worked on. Which is going to inspire my next youtube selection....

Friday, May 13, 2011

Just when you think life can't possibly suck any worse, it does. Reliably. The question is, how much suckiness can a person endure?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I'm trying as hard as I can to move on with life, and things are starting to look up....


I would do anything, anything, just to have a normal conversation with you again. To not be afraid anymore.

I don't even care about the "whys" anymore. Forget it. I don't care. I just want things to be better. Any kind of better, just better.
I just do not get why people seem to think that eating gluten free is so difficult. Are they terribly dependent on pre-made, processed foods, or is it the bread and starchy stuff? The only thing I ever really crave is pizza, and Winter Ridge makes great GF pizzas that even have pesto sauce on them! It has gotten to where I prefer the texture of the gluten free stuff.

Maybe it's because I love rice (having been raised on jasmine rice at grandma's house!). If I couldn't ever have rice, then I'd be pretty unhappy. Speaking of which: Common Knowledge (tea house/bookstore) has little bowls of brown rice, which is what I eat for breakfast when I'm there....but yesterday that asked me if I wanted "Skoosh" on it. I said, "what???", and they said something about sesame seeds, so I said, "sure, ok, whatever, I'll try it". I like the plain brown rice all by itself, but you know, why not? Well, that skoosh (pretty sure it's not spelled that way) is fantastic. It has sesame seeds, flaxseed, pumpkins seeds, sunflower seeds, and I don't know what else. It is so, so, good. I am now motivated to ferret out what is in it and to start blending my own. It has a rich, creamy taste and flavor, like cheese, only different and's like a sauce that they put in /with the rice.

It has been a variable kind of day....started out OK, got sucky fast, and a slow climb back to feeling OK....but tomorrow I get the rest of my glazed stuff, so hopefully....there are going to be two nice fish that I'll have to post pictures of.
Sitting in the otherworldly, disorienting haze of the hot tub, I look up and could see "NO DYING" painted on the opposite wall. Look again, "NO DIVING".

Yeah, that's the kind of day I'm having. :-/

Monday, May 09, 2011

Ceramics teacher suggested that I start putting my fish sculptures in galleries. I need to post a pic of the one he was talking about, because it's nicer than the others here, but still....I am shocked!

Sunday, May 08, 2011

Found the maul and split and stacked all the rest of the wood. Dang! no more wood to split! If only wood splitting were a competitive sport....sigh...

So now I suppose I will go fishing this afternoon. ;-)

Friday, May 06, 2011

I hurt. Even when I sleep, when I dream, you walk past me, talk past me, as though I don't exist. There's nowhere I can go to escape the pain.

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Listening to Rihanna's "Stupid in love".

Anyway....I want to start some kind of a sketchbook project, like a thing where I have to sketch or draw or doodle something every day. I need to build some kind of a structure or routine to make time for art in my life, otherwise the rest of the stuff crowds in on me and by the time I get done wading through it all, I'm exhausted. If I don't make it a prioritized component of my life, I am not going to get time for it.

And an aside: That grass fed hamburger from Winter Ridge is THE BEST HAMBURGER that I have ever eaten in my entire life!!!!! I mean, it is orgasmically good. I wish I had tried it sooner instead of wasting time and money on the petite sirloin steaks from Super 1. I was happy with them, never again. I never knew hamburger could taste like this. It is fantastic. It is so good, so so *good*. Man. Just thinking about it cheers me

Wednesday, May 04, 2011

Clarity on previous post: I meant, "like" as a person....oh, whatever. Why am I doing this? Why am I bothering? The world is full of people who aren't all fucked up. People who don't have a ton of issues to work through. People who don't think everything to death and pick each and every piece of data to tiny bits and replay every memory over and over and over again. People who don't get that horrible short-of-breath-oh-my-god-i-can't-breathe feeling, who don't feel like running as fast as they can from the horror of this life until they have to walk reluctantly back. People who function, who have happy childhoods and supportive parents.

I mean, who the hell do I think I am? I mean, yes, I obviously feel the need to advocate for myself, but....when I look at it like this, I don't blame you at all. Not at all.

Groan...they're having the raku firing and I need to go back there. I can't stand being around all those people right now. But. I have to go...back. sigh....

Tuesday, May 03, 2011

Sometimes I feel like the trauma in my life has fucked me up so badly that there isn't any hope. I have been working on this stuff for years, and it doesn't seem like there's been any improvement at all. I hate feeling so defective. It crushes me. I wish that I were healthy and happy and innocent....I wish that I were someone you could at least like.
I don't know why I post this stuff here. sigh....

Trying hard to redirect....I made a cool rock garden today. I thought the hard labor would make me feel better (obviously a fail)...but at least I have the garden. Will post pics tomorrow if I get back before dark...or if I plant it before I leave for school.

Tomorrow is the raku firing. That will be so cool!
Their little faces had such an expression of pathos....they were so cute, so graceful. I should have sketched them so I could make some in clay.

Monday, May 02, 2011

Also---> have decided I like fishing. I like it a lot, in fact. My prior aversion to it had to do with feeling sorry for the worms being impaled on the hooks, then feeling sorry for the fish and also, not really liking to eat fish.

Worms don't have brains...I know this because I dissected them in zoology class.

Brook trout, rainbow trout, and lake trout are all non-native species that are hard on the cutthroat trout population (crossing my fingers and hoping this is accurate!). So I am doing the ecology of the area a favor when I catch them.

Trout don't taste fishy, at all. I was afraid to try them before, but they are really, really good.

Also- if it is still being offered this year, Fish and Game has all kinds of cash incentives for catching rainbow and lake trout. I am not sure about the brook trout yet, but am planning to find out.

If I am going to eat meat, it makes an awful lot of sense to eat trout from this area as opposed to ocean fish caught under conditions which endanger sea turtles and dolphins and whales and sharks, etc etc....

Yep, fishing is definitely a worthwhile use of time. :-)

But----> I will fish only for non-native species...which won't be much of a burden at all, considering how incredibly tasty they are!

Sunday, May 01, 2011

My idea of fun! (well, one of them, anyway...)
The obsessive edge has finally worn off....about freaking time. I still feel the way I feel though...still don't want anyone else. Which is probably for the best, since I am wholly unready for entering into a relationship.

I've been alone since last May now...closing in on a year and haven't had any kind of romance since September? early October? And I can't say that I miss it all that much. I don't want to be smothered and controlled ever again....I just want a companion.

And then there's this: the realization that my grades went to hell in a handbasket right about the time I became single. I haven't been been able to pull them up. Is it the stress? The drive? The overwhelmingness of it all? The baggage I've been working through? I just not up to it? Maybe I'm just weak.

And this----> the truth of knowing that one of the things I liked about you was that I felt safe to be vulnerable and open. I didn't feel like I had to have armor on. And even though I wear it now as heavily as any I long to shed it and to just be true, to be real. :sigh: I can only do that here.