Got most of the rest of the herb garden planted yesterday, along with various seedlings. I had such high hopes for this years growing season, and then I just flopped, just couldn't pull it together, couldn't get much of anything done other than simply staying alive and keeping my kids safe. I sit here surrounded by several pounds of garden seeds that I searched out painstakingly, ordered online, collected and hoarded like a miser...Ah, the seeds reproach me.

And the people, the people reproach me, too. They're worried, they're upset, they expected more of me, and I've let them down. They don't understand why I can't pull it together. Why this should wound me so deeply. And neither do I, to be honest. Sometimes I look at you and I ask myself what on earth it was about you that hooked me. I realize with a bit of a shock that I am thoroughly broken up over a man who's fairly unremarkable. You aren't, objectively speaking, outstandly good looking or brilliant or charming. Why does my heart scream so insistently that you're absolutely irreplacable, that nobody else can ever take your place? Is it some magical combination of qualities? I mean, this thing is so irrational. I am left confused and bewildered, struggling to figure out exactly why this should hurt the way it does. I could land other men who'd be gentle, who like kids, who I could trust not to hurt me, who'd be just as good looking and who'd actually talk to me. Why the fuck does it have to be you?

This is so stupid.