Wednesday, March 31, 2004

The gal I had a problem with was at work again and picked a fight with me- over a very insignificant nitpicky thing. Well, I'm done with this shit. Either she cuts it out, or they rearrange things so I don't have to work with her, or I quit. I just can't work and function when I'm cringing and feeling intimidated by her. Yeah, yeah....I know...don't *let* her intimidate me. But when you've had a lifetime of abuse, that's a little easier said than done; and dealing with it at all is a drastic improvement over what I've done in the past. I'm tired of having this **** bullying me. I've owned goats like her- they went straight to the sale barn or some other inauspicious place.

Anyway....I was feeling pretty miserable. I wanted a warm place to curl up in and feel safe, but alas...the upstairs was at home. What I realized (just now) was that I wanted to be held, to have someone run their fingers through my hair and tell me to forget about it, not to worry about it, etc. IOW, to be nurtured. Ew, that makes me squirm to admit.... but OTOH....I have it in me to do that for someone else, for my children, for the goats. What's so terrible about confessing a momentary craving for it myself?

Also- I would never treat another person the way this woman is treating me. Another adult, a child, my children; hell, I wouldn't even treat a goat that way unless I had a damned good reason to do so (such as an animal having shown aggression and having to really make it toe the line). There was a new girl today, her first day on the job. I was nice to her, showed her all the stuff the way I wish it'd been presented to me. I'm not a bad person, didn't deserve all the crap that's been dished out to me over the years. Sometimes it just happens that way. Honestly though, get enough of it, and you begin to wonder whether maybe this is, in fact, the measure of your worth. (!) To hell with that!!!! We can't change what's already happened, the fact that there are nasty, cruel people in the world who get off by making others absolutely miserable. All we can do is to make it right, to try to create in reality the way things ought to be, and hope it'll catch on, that it'll be contagious and crowd the bad out (in time).

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

Long day at work. Been working every day since the 20th. Life seems unreasonably difficult and complicated right now. I have no idea how I am going to make it through spring break. I cannot afford the child care. The cost of gas alone is eating me up alive. I often wonder why I am doing this, why I'm even bothering? Failure and defeat lurk around the corner, and so far I've managed to beat them off, but only barely. Hell, I don't even know how I'm going to manage tomorrow. I have *no* money for child care. Let me count- I'm rich today: a grand total of $3.31!! Ha. Maybe I can get several days worth of lunch with that, if I want to splurge.

Friday, March 26, 2004

Still sick. Yesterday was about a 12 hour, 8 hours. I can't see that work really makes much of a difference, except tiredness at times, and it keep my mind off feeling crummy or depressed, so might as well make money. Ugh. I sort of hate the way mone has acquired such a prominent status in my life. Unfortunately, at this time it's the part of the puzzle that has to be dealt with in order for everything else to fall into line. I'll try to keep it in perspective, though- as a tool, not an end in itself. I don't really have the sort of mentality that could strive endlessly after $ anyway, though.

The gal I had a problem with was at work today, and we're on speaking/working/small talk terms again. It makes for a more comfortable working atmosphere. I didn't really want to have it out with her, in fact I tried everything I could think of to please her before I finally decided she'd have to live with the best I could do. Now, if they just won't make us close together again. Closing the deli is the most stressful part of it. I closed with another girl tonight and we finished early. :-)

I occasionally see guys that look momentarily appealing for...well, a moment or less. Heh. None of them are even remotely tempting.

I keep (over the course of days, weeks, months) find myself longing for and fantasizing about a nice hot shower or a relaxing bath. There are _no_ relaxing baths here. It just doesn't happen. Getting a bath once a week is uncommonly good fortune. I've considered renting a motel room expressly for the sake of the guess not.... :sigh: How long is it going to be before things can be different, before I can take a hot shower for granted as part of a normal, daily routine?

Someday, I want clean clothes, clean towels that don't smell sour, washcloths without mildewed spots on them, to be able to eat without feeling anxiety about whether I should have reserved part of the food for the next meal, to never have to worry about having enough to eat again, to be able to rise above obsessing over incredibly small, trivial things that other people take for granted, like band aids, matches, and socks. To be able to wash my face or hair without spending 15 minutes (or more) finding the necessary supplies or heating the water, and so on. I know that there are people in the world who haul water in buckets or skin bags for miles, who could not even conceive of a hot bath, and who're fine with that. Man, I'm tired of that sort of thing.

Wednesday, March 24, 2004

Currently: sick. I feel crummy, run down. Heart hurts and jumps. Bleah! Girl at work had bronchitis which turned into pneumonia and had her down for at least two weeks. I'm hopng I haven't caught it; they made her come back before she was completely over it, and she was coughing all over the place. At any raet, it doesn't matter. I have to be up at 6:00 to go to work tomorrow. Fun fun fun.......

Sunday, March 21, 2004

Current mood: ummm... wilted/forlorn/fighting off vapors of hopelessness and futility/upbeat/ready to go to work again and play with her head if she messes with me again/happy spring's here/planning more garden stuff/wondering why I should plant more/creative/popping with ideas.

Yeah, I really do feel that way, all of it. I think I missed some of it, if you want to know the truth. When people ask me something like, "How are you doing?", I always pause and scrutinize myself to see before formulating a reply. (Hummm, well, I felt suicidal this morning but then X happened and that cheered me up, but there's also this other little problem which will affect N if I don't do something about B.....) and then as the words come to fruition and I'm about to speak, I realize that the other party doesn't want to know all that, they're merely asking a ritualized question and an honest reply would be out of order, so I say (somewhat surprised and off-guard since I was jerked out of the other thoughts) "Oh! Er....I'm fine, and you?" They mince out more trivial politeness while looking at me strangely and make a getaway as soon as possile. I'm such a dork.....

The 'current mood' stuff bothers me for the above reasons. I can't really box in everything that I'm experiencing inwardly into one or two words. The best I can do is to express the predominant tone or the one that's most distressing. Why do I do it at all, then? Because. Part of the purpose of the blog was for me to try to record what's going on, to see if I could detect a pattern or recurrrent themes, to try to identify what's going on, because emotional stuff is just so hard/confusing/mystifying to me, like a foreign language that takes over inside my head. That's why. And one thing I've noticed is that, when I start off by saying something like, I don't know how I feel... there usually follows a lot of unhappiness and things that've been plaguing me and i wasn't conciously aware of them until I tried to express it.

Odd Random thoughts
  • They should sell pre-decorated hard boiled eggs for busy people who lack the ability or inclination or time to decorate their own.
  • It'd be really cool to have the eggs with a marbelized finish, you know, like the marbled paper in fancy books.
  • I hate the way people address old/handicapped people, as thought they're children
  • I had the *weirdest* dream last night
  • So far, most of the does I wanted doelings from have obliged, but I can only keep a certain number of goat. Who am I going to cull??
  • The new buck is posty (not enough angulation in the rear leg, where the hock is). This is a serious problem.
  • Next buck used will have to be very strong in leg angulation. Buy?? From whom? Breed? Which doe?
  • Runs through mental list of Sodium Oaks bucks in nitrogen tank with good angulation.
  • Why is it that I bought two amarylisses, both supposed to be white, and one was red and the other is salmon pink? Do the bulbs get mixed up at the packing place? Do they just plop bulbs into boxes, with there being no real correlation bettween box and bulb color? I wanted white.
  • This spring has been very dry. It will be a struggle for the garden and perennials.
  • Coordinating the work schedules is a pain. I think I'll request to work Fri- Mon at the deli and Tue-Thur at the other (preferable) job.
  • Now that I've got these jobs, the Forest Service work is out of the question, and I really wanted to at least look into that. Damn!
  • I could let them go. It would look bad on resumes though, quit two jobs. Besides, I like the work with disabled people.
  • Chess: two problems; One, the PK4,PK4,NKB4,NQB4,B4, (expecting B4 response), KN4. This leads into the Two Knight's defense. I'm having trouble with that opening. I don't always want to use the fried liver attack. I got aced night before last when I faltered about this.
  • secondly: Sicilian Defense; I have yet to reply to PK4 with PQB4 and have the opponent reply in the expected manner with NKB3. I have been striving to become familar with this defense, have played it several times, and they always do something else, and then I'm left to wing it, which I do...but it'd be nice to at least know how it'd go if the standard route was followed.
  • And, it's time for me to wash my clothes so I can go to work.

Tuesday, March 16, 2004

Work: A- the gal who had me cowed and B- work in general and my failings.

A- I did a lot better tonight. I thought about this a lot last night and today, and I decided that she gets off on intimidating me and throwing her weight around. I don't need a smart assed remark- that'd just give her the fuel to hand it back to me or go and report me to someone. Besides, why in the hell should I get myself all worked up and in a bad mood just because she wants to make me miserable? See, she's winning then. For almost every previous night I've worked with her, honestly- I rarely, rarely cry, but this woman, at this very stresssful time, has had me very close to it. Want me to hate you? Do that. >:-( Can't stand losing my composure, ugh.

Anyway, like I said, life is already so stressful right now, with two jobs and five kids and not much to eat ever, half the goats gone and a C-section and noone to be close to, that I just cannot take even one more thing, and especially something this minor. In the larger scheme of things, it's peanuts, extremely trivial. So I decided to leave her alone as much as possible, work as hard as I possibly can, do the best job I can, mind my own business, and be cheerful and let it all slide off me, whatever the heck she does. I am _not_ letting her control me any longer by getting me all upset. Life's too short and I've more important things to focus on. So, :-D That's what I did. She hated it. Ohhhhh, she was mad. I was nice, I was diligent, I hummed to myself, and the pissier she got, I just acted more laidback, even if I was all tensed up inside. She left in a hissy fit, and I cheerily bade her good night. She didn't respond. *shrug* I was more productive and efficient than I've been for, maybe a week, since I wasn't fuming and cringing and hesitating all the time. :rolling eyes:

B- This is more of a problem. I was late the day of the C-section. There was nothing, NOTHING, short of letting the doe die, that I could do about that. Nothing at all. Yesterday, I found out at the last minute that I'd have to find a babysitter for three children, and not one of the daycares or people nearby could be found to do it. Closest person who would was Vicky, 30-40 miles away. The back road is supposed to be faster, shorter? was not. It took forever, the car got hot, I got lost... By the time I finally found her and sped off to work (the main and supposedly longer route) I was about 45 minutes late. They all gave me strange and blank looks when I said I;d gotten lost taking the kids to the sitter....back roads, OK? I'd never driven that route before and had forgotten a small segment of it. Today, I went to the job in Sandpoint, about 30 miles away, and worked there from noon to 3:00. (They're flexible while I'm training. Anything at all counts.) Part of the initiation into this job involves checking over my car- brakes, lights, blinkers, etc. I left the lights on afterwards....that battery was dead as a flattened toad. Work at the deli started at 4:00, and here I am, 30 miles away, at 3:15-3:30, getting uptight because I had planned to be punctual...alas. The other employee's cars could not jump me, Les Schwab had to be called. I didn't get that car on the road until 3:40. Went 55-60 all the way (well, when the speed limit and traffic allowed it), but was still almost half an hour late. The guy who hired me said my lateness appeared to be a habit...I wanted to crawl under the table...I tried to explain, but the undeniable fact is that I was late, very late, for three days in a row. I think they could forgive the C section, but after that it became a problem. That guy is nice, I respect him; it really sucks to look like a flake and a loser. The thing is, i've replayed all three of these scenes over in my mind, and short of turning off the lights and taking the main route to Vicky's, I don't know what else I could have done. I certainly planned to be there on time, but crap happens. Why does it always happen to me...

Monday, March 15, 2004

I'm really starting to have a hard time with this job (deli). It isn't the work so much, though the combination of multi-tasking, people, and stress/time pressure is a little overwhelming. It's the woman I work with. I can't stand her. She never missses a chance to cut me down, to act condescending, to criticize or hurry me, or to make me feel small and insignificant. I'm rapidly approaching the threshold of hatred.... If there is a job I enjoy or like, she makes sure I don't get to do it, and leaves me the hard, dirty work, whatever she doesn't especially want to do, particularly washing our the grease encrusted metal pans from the hot case (these are what the deep fried foods sit in all day long and drip grease into- fun, fun, fun...) There are still occasionally things I don't know yet, things I haven't done. If I ask her a question, she acts as though I'm just the stupidest child she ever set eyes on and says she already told me, gets all impatient and put out. Never mind that she *didn't* ever tell me- she insists that she did. There is a checklist of tasks to perform before closing each night, and spaces to fill in with the initials of who did them. She does a lot of small things, so her name is all over the place. The more time consuming tasks each have just one space even though they're three times as hard. Also, there is no space for cooking or waiting on the customers, both of which increasingly fall to me, unless she wants me to do something harder at the time- then she shoos me away from waiting on the people and does it herself. This means that I can bread and cook enough chicken to feed an army, and have only one space- 'bread chicken' checked off with my name. And the worst part of it all is that she does all these things in such a subtle, domineering way that I am at a loss as to how to defend myself against her. Every night, I get mad, feel distraught, get angrier because she was able to make me upset, and fume and throw clean dishes into the rinsing sinks, trying to think of some way to get her, or to quit, or whatever. She's as plump as a fat hen. She's got plenty of food. She doesn't know what it is to be dizzy from not having eaten much of anything and still working your tail off. I do get confused occasionally, I'm lightheaded, for crying out loud... I mean, goddammit, can't she cut me some slack for a change??? Oddly enough, the deli food hardly tempts me, but it's hell to have to throw away the heels of the meat that's left after slicing it. If I could get away with, it's a waste. If I make a mistake, she acts as though it's what she expected. If I do something right, she says, "There! You see! That's what I've been telling you all along. You *finally* figured it out." And that is another thing- she's forever acting as though I'm an idiot simply because I don't do well with verbal directions. If I ask again to make sure I heard it right, she huffs her breath out, puts hand on hip, and generally looks like she'd slap me if she could get away with it. I hate this....I hate it hate it hate it....and there is only one reason I'm doing it at all, because it's really the only thing for me left to do....

I do fine with any of the other people, any of them. If I thought I could do so without her getting wind of it, I'd ask the supervisors to not have me work with her alone anymore. She's quite a bit different in the presence of the others. Oh- the final straw- she's only been there a week or two longer than myself. She *isn't* my supervisor. She actually has little or no real authority over me. The bossiness is a total sham, but I don't know what to do about it.

I hate working with women. It never works. I want to be a box boy.... :-( Women are a pain. They're underhanded, they...they work in ways I can't quite comprehend. It's infuriating. Men aren't like that- most of them aren't. Most guys are pretty much above the pettiness in my experience. That isn't to say they can't be cruel, but it is different. I totally do not understand the way most women operate. A few people have suggested I should get a female roommate. I just go... ha. ha. ha. Uh-uh... No way. Noooo sireee. That is _not_ gonna happen. Don't want no females a-tellin' me what to do on mah own turf, no, suh....

Sunday, March 14, 2004

Just about brain-dead... Tomorrow I've got to go to the food bank and get some food. I haven't had an entire day off work since the 4th, and I've missed going to the food bank for almost a week. It shows- it really, truly, does. I cannot think without nourishment feeding the old brain cells. Fridge is just about empty, cupboards have dry goods- beans, whole wheat kernels, that sort of thing; not helpful when you come home hungry after working and eating only one sandwich and a few grapes all day. I cannot compehend why anyone in their right mind would think I would want to continue living my life in this way year after year, when just making it through a week is an ordeal....

Delilah had her C-section: I had to take her all the way through Sandpoint for it, the local vet wouldn't do it. Hefty bill and two lovely doelings and a buck kid to show for it. I'll retire her now. :-)

Reflecting: I've played chess with a lot of people. I cannot recall playing even one woman. All my opponents have been male. Why is that? It's such a cool, beautiful game. Oh, I may have played my sister when we were in our early teens...I can't remember. I know I played my brother on a regular basis. I don't think she liked chess. Do women not enjoy chess? :ponders:

Saturday, March 13, 2004

Currently: wiped out...exhausted...can barely think. Eight hours of strenuous work at the deli. I ate: 2 burritos, 2 energy bars. It seems like that should have been enough. And just now, I had about a cup of mashed potatoes. Anyway, I am so tired I feel almost brain dead.

Delilah (goat who needs C section): I just checked on her while feeding the herd. Her ligaments have softened up so that I can't feel them, meaning that she will go into labor in about 12 hours or less. I'm deliberating on whether it's more irresponsible to go to sleep and rest for tommorrow's work or to stay up to check on her through out the night. I'm kind of hoping she doesn't go into labor until morning, because I don't think the vet will cotton to working on a (gasp) goat in the middle of the night, which also entails waking up two or more vet techs to assist. Most vets will NOT work on a goat for any reason. This one tolerates them- he the only one in the area who does. I know better than to think he enjoys it, he sighs and is so reluctant about them, but at least he will do it. :-/ Think I'll go to bed and leave a note to check on her first thing in the morning. There's no way I could drive her to the vet's and stand there for an hour or two and return safely in my present state, and she also isn't uddered up yet- another sign of imminent birth. Hard calls... Don't know how my employer is going to like the notion of my being absent for some of the work due to a goat's C section..heh, heh.

Friday, March 12, 2004

I just worked the second day of my new job. (In case I didn't mention this before, it's as a Community Support Specialist- working with developmentally disabled people- adults and children). I'm very happy with it- it doesn't even feel like work. I came away from it with a sense of contentment and satisfaction. Life is good. :-)

Tomorrow, it's back to the old grind at the deli.

I took the color test- the results: (I picked orange, then the orange red, the yucky hot pink last of all)
Finds it difficult to bear the burdens of the present situation. Wants to be free of them. Wants to turn attention toward new types of experience that offer more hope. Expects that different circumstances will enhance potential freedom for wider range of experience.
(ultramarine blue/violet, midnight blue, warm tropical blue least appealing)
Does not want to allow any feeling of distance from the person who is valued as a partner to arise. Wants to avoid anything leading to personal isolation or loneliness. Wants to be totally immersed with intense enthusiasm and engaged communion in the beloved or a personal task and activity. Finds the beloved or the task to be what makes life worthwhile and its dominating force, bringing true contentment and fulfillment.

These color tests always baffle me. How can color preferences infer so much? I *always* would pick that shade of blue, unless I was in a very dark mood. Then it'd be midnight blue first. On the other hand, I can't really argue with it, arrgh.

Tuesday, March 09, 2004

While dragging a sledful of hay over moist snowless ground to feed the goats just now, I was thinking about this:

I sometimes feel that my past, my experiences, have marred me, left me a virtual minefield, like a surgical mess that the doctors gave up on and walked away from without bothering to suture it closed again. Or, putting it less kindly, fucked up. I sometimes look back on the things I've done, been, lived through, seen, and my life seems a little surreal. I'm certain that there are people who disbelieve that I could possibly have gone thorugh all this in 30 years, and for a moment, I'm tempted to agree with them and try to decipher whether I could possibly have imagined some of it? But no. The hard evidence is there, on scraps of paper, faded photographs, newspaper clippings, and the like.

I look at all this and wonder why anyone would want me, and also if I'm any good for anything at this point. (I'm not depressed right now, either- just trying to be objective). Don't men (the decent, intelligent sort) want someone pristine and untouched, who's never known love before, who's never tasted much pain, who's never awakened on the side of a highway or under a bush in a public park, someone dewy eyed and moist like an unfurling flower bud? Don't they desire someone who's never been violated, someone mallleable without a crystal clear idea of exactly what they *don't* want, next time?

I feel like a tree that's been hacked down to the stump, grown back, been girdled, survived, had limbs broken off, been frosted, sunburned, whipped by the wind....and I'm trying to decide if this makes me a damned ugly piece of work, or a arboreal sculpture, like bonsai.

I can get over the fact that life hasn't been perfect, that there've been evil or malicious people and those with good intentions and disastrous results. After all, it isn't like I can change any of it, so I might as well come to terms with it. What I can't quite hack is that, because of it, someone will come along and think I'm not good enough, that the past might spoil the future.

Monday, March 08, 2004

The painting- I never did mention the fact that it's of some sort of a bivalve. I could find out what species- the seashell book is upstairs. It's pure, pristine white on the inner surface, smooth and cleaner than milk. The hinge (arghh, I should find the technical/scientific term for it) is mauve/pink/purple depending on the light, the rim is edged in violet which curves sensuously into the white about halfway up both sides. It's really beautiful. I can't quite do it justice. Anyway- the painting. I found that the problem with it was the light. The bulbs we have installed are yellowish and dim, giving a cavelike atmosphere. I bought some special bulbs with a bluish tinge that reveal the true colors. When they're on, wow, what a difference. It's like having a physical weight lifted from you that you weren't even aware was there until it left. I love them. If I had my way, all the bulbs would be this sort. Unfortunately they aren't energy efficient. I actually have to run the generator if I want to turn *one* of these on (!). So the cavelike pall lingers on...

Obviously I wasn't going to be able to paint at night and get decent results if I couldn't even see the colors!! What looked reasonable in the amber dimness was positively horrid in the morning light. Geez... It wasn't my fault at all. So last night I installed the right light bulb and painted by that. The results are better. My technique leaves something to be desired for the subject (the blending is so delicate and subtle...) but I am 100% happier with it at this point. It isn't done yet.

Work is going better. I've realized two things: my mood regarding the job is primarily influenced by who I've worked with, and that the strain of dealing with the other people (the other workers, I mean) is more stressful than the physical aspect. Today we cleaned the deep fryer. A word to the wise: don't eat deep fried food. Don't do that to yourself. Just imagine all that grease and crap lining the old coronaries, ew. I got a little magnetic chess set so I can play out openings during my breaks and lunch time. :>)

The notion that half an hour of my life is only worth about $2.57 depresses me....

I tend to think that people should be paid by the job, not by the clock. If more people used this system, quality and efficiency would improve. As it is, people are content to be sloppy and waste time at the employer's expense. Competition would ensure a certain amount of sniping and bitchiness, but also better results.

I think I mentioned the emergent bulbs- crown imperials, grape hyacinths, crocuses, daylilies (not really a bulb), and possibly daffodil and tulips. These are all just tips of foliage- no blooms at all yet. We should have scilla somewhere...huh. It should be up and blooming by now. I'll have to look for it tomorrow.
Hey, I've got the commenting option and trackback now. :-) I've wanted this for so long (as in, ever since I started the blog). I'm jazzed.Twasn't hard to do, either.

Another good thing I noticed today: The flowerbulbs are starting to emerge from the earth! I might actually have some blooming within a week or two. Spring! Spring!!!

(The job sucks but I decided to focus on positive things today and hopefully on other days too).

Thursday, March 04, 2004

The painting is lame. Lame, lame, lame!!! It has not turned out as I wanted it to. It was the first thing I saw this morning, without my glasses. Looked at it for awhile, entertained limerent thoughts, looked at it again, and thought, hey, it looks OK- not perfect, but it has potential. Then I had to go and put the glasses on...

Called Vicki about the goats, just to make sure they were alright. It's kind of a drag to send them away just before the most exciting, rewarding time of the year: kidding season. Told her I felt terribly guilty, lke I'd abandoned them. Her reply, "Yes, you did abandon them, but you did it six months ago when you stopped taking care of them! You need to get your act together or else get rid of them!." Vicky's never been the type to tell you what you want to hear, she's pretty tactless and honest. (sidenote- for some bizarre reason, my closest, best friends are always blunt and tactless. Suppose I don't have any use for head games or trying to guess what someone else *really* thinks. Still, sometimes it's painful to have the truth shoved in your face.) I could whine, I could play helpless, but in my heart, I knew she was right, so I didn't. I didn't have the money, I didn't have dry ground for their feet, didn't have much time away from the kids so had to rush through chores and worst of all, I didn't have the heart for it when just living another day was a struggle. Yeah, I've definitely got to keep getting my act together.

I feel like an abject failure.....

Wednesday, March 03, 2004

The job is going better. I'm still a little inept and stumble my way through things, but I'm getting more familar with the routine and don't hide from the customers anymore. Believe it or not, I did have a purpose in mind with this job- that it would help me (force me) to get used to interacting with people. I'll probably still prefer to spend time only with a select few, but at least I'll be *able* to cope with other, including strangers, when I need to. Anyway- the other employess and staff are going out of their way to be nice to me, and I'm feeling a bit more positive about it now.

Books- Nietzsche, On the genealogy of Morals and Small Wonder by Barbara Kingsolver. Just started both of them. The former is taking me a while to get immersed in, but some of his ideas seem vaild and ring true. I love just about anything written by Barbara Kingsolver. There's a painitng I want to work on, so I'm signing off now.

Tuesday, March 02, 2004

I just sent 11 of my favorite does to be boarded with friends. It kind of tore me up to do it; some of them are due to kid within the month. I kept feeling as though I'd betrayed them somehow, even though it isn't permanent and I know that I can't adequately care for them right now. Those goaty faces peering over the sides of the horse trailer, expectantly, somewhat bewildered, haunt me. *sigh* When will I see them again? When will I care for them, pet them, milk them again? Will I see their kids? I don't know... All I can say at this point is that at least I'm not selling them, and Vicky will be feeding them up so they'll have be in good condition when they come into milk, which I've done every other year but couldn't this one.


This leaves... 10 goats total remaining here, and only one is due to kid in the next month or two. I kept her here because she'll be needing a C-section. She's.....9 years old this spring, a good old girl who's lived a long, faithful, productive life. A few years back, she had such a difficult birth that I was amazed she survived. Vicki was there to help or she would have died... So she lived and even managed to get pregnant again, but the birth left her with such scar tissue that her cervix doesn't dilate anymore, and it has to in order for kids to emerge naturally. I *should* retire her. The problem is that she's dear to my heart and has many good traits, and I have only one daughter to show for her entire lifetime with me. I want at least one and preferably two more daughters. Last year the C-section yielded triplet bucks, arrrgh!!! She looks like she's got another huge set of triplets in there now (please, please, at least one doe this time!). She's due the 13th. Believe it or not, I'm still paying off the vet for last years C-sections (another doe had to be done as well). It runs about $250 per goat. Not bad if there's at least one doe kid, but kind of a loss if they're all bucks. Another thing: last year I hauled her in the trunk of the Oldmobile- Hey! it was an emergency, OK??? This year, it'd be nice to arrange something more pleasant for her.
The job is going about as well as can be expected. I can't complain- it's a job, they're decent to me, and they're incredibly patient with my bungling attempts to learn the ropes. Still, it doesn't pay well, and there's just no way I can get ahead like this without resorting to child care. I haven't heard back about the other job, but this is likely due to the fact that I'm out of the house much of the time during business hours, or online. In all honesty, what will I say if they call and want me to start right away? I guess I'd say 'OK, I'll be there' and then tear my hair out trying to find a way to make it all work.
Books- just finished Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams. The title alone cracks me up...ha. I loved this book from start to finish, but I've had a hard time arousing interest or even amusement from anyone else regarding it. *shrug* For example:

The Electric Monk was a labor saving device, like a dishwasher or video-recorder. Dishwashers washed tedious dishes for you, thus saving you the trouble of washing them yourself, video recorders watched tedious television for you, thus saving you the bother of looking at it yourself; Electric Monks believed things for you, thus saving you from what was becoming an increasingly onerous task, that of believing all the things the world expected you to believe. Unfortunately this Electric Monk had developed a fault, and had started to believe all kinds of things, more or less at random.

See, I think that's hilarious. I love it. Ah, if only life were that simple, eh?