Monday, November 29, 2004

Current mood: Depressed, of the variety that I think is labeled 'despondant'. When you've gone through life alone, feeling like a freak, like an outcast, like nobody in the world understands you, there's nothing to equal, to even come close to *finally* finding out that you're _not_ alone, that there _is_ someone else out there who feels and thinks the way you do. There's just nothing to compare....the giddiness and delight of it....of finding a soul that you can truly and actually *communicate* with. I have found my counterpart, at a time when I'd given up, when I had given up on the idea of such a person existing. And...well, I'm speechless. It's so nice, I feel FREE, finally. Like flying after living in a cage your entire life.

Alas, he went home. And I'm beating my thick head against the normal world again, I fit in less than ever, and I don't even really care, they can have their fucking world to themselves...but I do want at least one ally with me, and that's enough. I never know, I can never tell, if they're mean to me on purpose, or is it my imagination? :-(

God, I am actually sitting here crying...I _never_ do that in public...but it hurts so much to feel excluded and alone.

Friday, November 19, 2004

Well, I don't have a lot to say today...I have been cleaning the house..once I actually *started* it, I hated to have to stop and go to work! Irks me to stop a job before I'm ready to....The accumulation of goods that I do not use or need is a problem....and oddly, I am sitting here scratching my head wondering where in the heck they all came from?!

I think the deal here is that I am so focused on Tim coming to meet me that there aren't many mental faculties left over...heh...heh...


Thursday, November 18, 2004

"Create for yourself a new indomitable perception of faithfulness. What is usually called faithfulness passes so quickly. Let this be your faithfulness:you willl experience moments, fleeting moments, with the other person. The human being will appear to you then as if irradiated, with the archetype of his/her spirit. And then there may be, indeed will be, other moments, long periods of time when human beings are darkened. At such times, you will learn say to yourself, "The spirit makes me strong. I remember the archetype. I saw it once. No illusion, no deception shall rob me of it." Always struggle for the image that you saw. This struggle is faithfulness. Striving thus for faithfulness you shall be close to one another as if endowed with the protactive powers of angels." -Rudolf Steiner

That's what love is all about. The initial thrill, the surge of feeling, the But love is about seeing who the other person really is, fighting to keep seeing them for who they truly are, in spite of circumstances, in spite of their faults.

This doesn't mean that one should be foolish, that one should allow abuse, or put oneself in a harmful environment....I do think it is entirely possible to move on with life and still love the other person in *that* way....but still....this is what love means to me.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

:-) I am happyyyyyyy........

Except, I wish my mail program would function. I have been here at the library for almost an hour now and still can't access it. Frustrating!!!! Well, I should start up my yahoo account again, I guess. I just hate having to check two different places for mail. BUt see, this sort of thign happens too often, and I'm getting really sick of it.

Otherwise: bills are piling up mainly because I hate to deal with them. I have the money, I just dislike interacting with the outside world any more than I absolutely have to. Now is that STUPID or what??? See, that just isn't sustainable. If I don't pay my bills, I WILL have problems. What I should do it to mount a clip board by the door with bills to be paid, in a place where it will bother me to see them. When they are paid, I shoudl tuck the receipt into the billing statement and put that into a file.

It is the same way with rentals. I didn't have a lot of success b/c I hated to call around. I am no longer phone-phobic, just phone averse, (well, for the most part!!!! heh. :-P ) JObs, same thing. I have to force myself to do these thigns, and it rubs me the wrong way the entire time I do it. I soemhow have this feeling that it isn't that way for normal folks. Again: post office box. I sometimes don't check it for well over a week, even thoguh I drive right past it almost every day. I hate to do it. I don't like opening that box and being flooded with input and announcements and expectations of bills to be paid and so forth. So I simply ignore it until I realize that I really should do it...and teh thing is crammed full (mostly advertisements). And people see this stuff, and they don't understand. They think I am lazy or irresponsible. They do not comprehend that it requires EFFORT.

Anyway, enough of all that. I have to leave for work soon and here I am ranting about a world that has been desgined by sociable people in such a way as to make social interaction necessary and almost that there is not a choice, so that you cannot preserve your precious bits of social energy to lavish on someone that you really care about. See, that is what I want: to spend the time with soemone who will understand me, and I them, and to whom it will matter as opposed to countless trite, shallow exchanges.

All my life, all I have ever wanted (other than to be an artist, and I knew in my heart that I already was one) is to find someone like myself, who speaks the same language, who understands the 'weird' stuff that is wonderful and priceless to enjoy the companyof someone who would be *interesting*. And man, I sure have been banged up along the way, looking, searching...but I would still give it my all to find someone, just ONE person, that I could relate to and be truly close to. And now, I have to pause, because I ask myself (to self): Do you have anythign to give?? (me back to self);Well, yeah, I think so. Yeah. Sure I do. I have LOT to give...but it would be in my own way. Normal people have always been disgruntled b/c they did not want the expressions that were my truest...what they wanted was for me to fake and simulate THEIR kind of expressions. And then, when I went dead and feelingless on them, they blamed me. :-( But yeah, I do think, under the right circumstances, that I have everythign still there. It's just, at this point, there is a part of me that really begrudges all the wastedness of my life, I wish I could gather it all back up again and give it to the right I hope...there is a right person.....

Monday, November 15, 2004

Just trimmed hooves. The goats are so soothing and restorative. I feel all calm inside.

Anyway, the rental fell through. Turns out I couldn't have goats there, and a friend badmouthed me to the potential landlords. So fuck it. I'll just stay where I am for the winter, and work on making things workable for the goats where they are. That makes more sense anyway, and I'll be closer to the little kids. I didn't like the thought of being so far away from them. See, I had a gut-level feelign of there, somewhere, I KNEW it didn't resonate, but I was forging right on ahead anyway. :-( That wasn't smart. Next time, I'll wiat until I feel right about it.

So now I'm thinking that what I'll do is save (ha!ha!) and try to buy a place in the spring, maybe. I don't like renting anyways.

What grabbed my eye today: willow leaves floating on the pond, golden and gray, they were all gathered by the current of the water, which was a pondy dark green. The contrast was wonderful. Oh, the colors of fall! NOw, that is another thing; I am going to set things up so that I can PAINT. Not painting is killing my soul.

Damn....I smell like a goat....and I don't have time to shower before work....ack! Actually, I think it is just my hands....should have worn gloves.

Saturday, November 13, 2004

I am moving. I have _finally_ found a place where I can have the goats. I will have to put up fencing. I will have to build a small barn or shed. BUT, I can have them there. I have been looking for this for months, and now that I've found it and put the rent money down on it, I'm not happy. I hate moving. The change is scary.

I do think thoughk, that once I get used to it, I am going to like it a whole lot better. It's out in the country, with big tall trees near it, wide open field, mountains, fresh air, only one neighbor next is just the trasition and the stress of adjusting that kills me.

Wednesday, November 10, 2004

My car seems to have died, and at what a time! I was VERRRY sick yesterday, stayed in bed all day. Then I couldn't sleep well at night, because I had slept most of the day. My mind raced with all kinds of thoughts, and I couldn't post them or go online because the computer I have isn't, at present, operational. The night dragged on....

So today, I still felt like shit, cancelled work (and I can't afford to) and decided to go pay my P.O.Box fee (I'd remembered in the middle of the nightthat it was due at end of last month, ACK!!!) and then go to the library. The car sounded bad. At the Post Office, I looked under the hood, it all looked fine, pretty much...given that I don't have a clue what I'm looking after settling business there I tried to go to the library. WELL... the car died right in the middle of the street, and wouldn't start again. A friend (the real kind) helped me to enlist help to push it into a parking spot and then go talk to a mechanic about getting it looked at (I *really* cannot afford this). Now I am sitting here at the library wondering how in the hell I'll get home without walking 6-7 blocks in a somewhat feverish state, and worrying about losing the job in Sandpoint for lack of transportation.

It's not been a very nice day; I should have stayed home. BUT, would it have been any better to break down on the way to work tommorrow? Not really....

Monday, November 08, 2004

Current mood: fragile. I just broke up with my boyfriend, and i'm not happy about having to have done that. The guy I loved more than just about anything told me that I was naught but an aquaintance to him...but I think I am finally getting some closure and slowly but surely recovering from that...and I am sick and have to go to work. Bleah. Here's to the beautiful thigns in life that make it all seem worthwhile. :-)