Tuesday, July 24, 2007

I went to another voc rehab doctor appointment, this time to a psychologist. He seemed like a nice person. Anyway, an array of questions a history, more questions, and he informed me that not only do I have Asperger's, I also have dysthymic depression, another type that is more severe but fairly sporadic in my case, and post traumatic stress disorder. I've known for years I was depressed, that's no surprise, but the PTSD...wow. That actually makes a lot of sense. It really explains the severity and frequency of my panic/anxiety attacks, and a lot of other stuff that I had just attributed to the Asperger's. I am inclined to feel that these two are a bad combination: I get all stressed out and feel liek the world's falling on top of me, can't calm down, can't relax...and then all the aspie issues are not only compounded, but I feel that they actually prevent a rapid recovery from the anxiety. Well, that's my spiel on the matter anyway.

::sirens::...someone got hurt...or a fire? No, ambulance?....God, I hope it isn't one of my kids. That's so selfish of me...whoever it is, someone loves them like I love my own kids. At least they're getting help I guess.

Also, he ran an I.Q. test on me! That was a lot of fun. I wish I had studied for it, though. The worst of it: he recited a string of numbers, and I had to repeat them back to him in reverse order. Arrgh!!! There were too many to visualize easily, and besides the previous strings of numbers got tangled up in it. But there were all sorts of lovely visual puzzles and tests. I told him I juts hope the test doesn't score out lower than my previous one...that would be...disheartening. Numerical proof of diminishing intelligence....

There are a lot of social things I don't understand, but one thing I have noticed is that nearly all people are consistent in nature unless they're seriously mentally whacked or doing drugs, drunk, etc. For example, a person who is strong willed and mouthy in one area of her life will generally be that way elsewhere, too. Someone who bends and twists morality to suit his own ends in the realm of employment or business practices probably isn't going to be a very faithful mate- he'll find a reason why it's OK. People who are violent to animals are generally dangerous and intimidating, especially if they don't feel bad about it or give it a secodn thought, or do so needlessly, out of habit. People who are decent and calm even when they don't have to be, when they're in an advantageous position but decide that they [i]want[/i] to be that way...are probably inherently decent and have good character. People who have all sorts of rotten thing to say about racial minorities, gays, enviro-whackos, etc, are looking for an excuse to depsise humanity...not worth spending 5 minutes with.

That's my logic anyway. I feel sad. I'm tired of kvetching about how I deserve love and don't have it. Screw that. Love isn't something that's deserved anyway. It isn't a package with your name on it that can be plucked up lightly from a table and possessed. We've all seen people who didn't deserve it and got it anyway, just like so many other things in life. Stuff happens. Life, society, circumstances divide. It isn't fair but that's the way it goes. But that blue, that beautiful blue blurs through my mind...and I do feel sad.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Got the tooth pulled. It turned out to be a lot more complicated than the last one. This tooth's roots were fused together at the tips. It had to be cracked apart in pieces, a truly unfun experience. Once I saw the pieces, the reason for the intense toothache was obvious. That tooth was awfully bad...I'm really surprised it didn't give me grief sooner. How many others are lurking in my mouth waiting to pull the same trick? Who knows?

And, I gave up on the bully Whippet idea. After a small amoutn of research and attempts to email local whippet breeders and ask about the bullies, I learned that Bullies apparently are not destroyed at birth immediately, at least, not typically. For one thing, you can't always tell right away at birth. For another, it seems that they go to pet homes. Also, they aren't as common as the article made them sound. Some Whippet breeders had never heard of bullies before. There's hardly an epidemic of them needing to be rescued by the likes of me.

Instead, I adopted a dog from the local animal shelter. I had a gut feeling that if I were patient and didn't get a dog impulsively, I would eventually find one that I really loved. I went into the dog area to view a puppy who was completely uninteresting to me, but in the adjacent pen, Jack Russels? Wow, two Jack Russel Terriers! They were happy to see me. I went in to meet them. One of them ran away as soon as she smelled goat on my pants leg (a goat gave birth that day). The other ran right up and I fell in love. :) Her name is Bebe, 5 years old, completely housebroken, no real vices, loves everyone in the fmaily except for being afraid of the baby who tried to grab/hit her (working on that) and is in every way the best dog I could ask for. I am so happy with her!

Anyway, I'm tired. Heading for bed.

Monday, July 02, 2007

_Oh_My_God._ The worst toothache in my life grabbed me by the face yesterday. I can only describe the pain as 10 on a scale of 1-10, and very similar to an electric shock tapped in directly to a very sensitive facial nerve. Jesus Christ. I went from happy one second to total, quivering, wreck the next. Got to love anxiety attacks + severe pain. Aside from wanting the pain to stop NOW, I found myself longing for something spandex that would squeeze me tightly, or for a lead blanket, or anything confining, to weigh me down, to make me feel safe. Ugh.

And so, for the first time in my life, I drank hard alcohol (Barcadi Rum, 151). It was the only thing that dulled the pain. Nasty stuff...raised up bumps all along my inner cheek and burned my mouth. I cannot conceive of drinking the sutff for pleasure. I mean, exactly what would be the appeal?

I've been screwed over by three customers in the past two weeks. And the lesson I've never quite learned is beginning to sink in slightly: if you don't defend yourself from users, they will keep right on using you, and noone else is going to do it for you. You have to defend yourself. It isn't wrong to do so even if the other people get angry and confrontational. In fact, it kind of feels good.