I went to another voc rehab doctor appointment, this time to a psychologist. He seemed like a nice person. Anyway, an array of questions a history, more questions, and he informed me that not only do I have Asperger's, I also have dysthymic depression, another type that is more severe but fairly sporadic in my case, and post traumatic stress disorder. I've known for years I was depressed, that's no surprise, but the PTSD...wow. That actually makes a lot of sense. It really explains the severity and frequency of my panic/anxiety attacks, and a lot of other stuff that I had just attributed to the Asperger's. I am inclined to feel that these two are a bad combination: I get all stressed out and feel liek the world's falling on top of me, can't calm down, can't relax...and then all the aspie issues are not only compounded, but I feel that they actually prevent a rapid recovery from the anxiety. Well, that's my spiel on the matter anyway.

::sirens::...someone got hurt...or a fire? No, ambulance?....God, I hope it isn't one of my kids. That's so selfish of me...whoever it is, someone loves them like I love my own kids. At least they're getting help I guess.

Also, he ran an I.Q. test on me! That was a lot of fun. I wish I had studied for it, though. The worst of it: he recited a string of numbers, and I had to repeat them back to him in reverse order. Arrgh!!! There were too many to visualize easily, and besides the previous strings of numbers got tangled up in it. But there were all sorts of lovely visual puzzles and tests. I told him I juts hope the test doesn't score out lower than my previous one...that would be...disheartening. Numerical proof of diminishing intelligence....

There are a lot of social things I don't understand, but one thing I have noticed is that nearly all people are consistent in nature unless they're seriously mentally whacked or doing drugs, drunk, etc. For example, a person who is strong willed and mouthy in one area of her life will generally be that way elsewhere, too. Someone who bends and twists morality to suit his own ends in the realm of employment or business practices probably isn't going to be a very faithful mate- he'll find a reason why it's OK. People who are violent to animals are generally dangerous and intimidating, especially if they don't feel bad about it or give it a secodn thought, or do so needlessly, out of habit. People who are decent and calm even when they don't have to be, when they're in an advantageous position but decide that they [i]want[/i] to be that way...are probably inherently decent and have good character. People who have all sorts of rotten thing to say about racial minorities, gays, enviro-whackos, etc, are looking for an excuse to depsise humanity...not worth spending 5 minutes with.

That's my logic anyway. I feel sad. I'm tired of kvetching about how I deserve love and don't have it. Screw that. Love isn't something that's deserved anyway. It isn't a package with your name on it that can be plucked up lightly from a table and possessed. We've all seen people who didn't deserve it and got it anyway, just like so many other things in life. Stuff happens. Life, society, circumstances divide. It isn't fair but that's the way it goes. But that blue, that beautiful blue blurs through my mind...and I do feel sad.