Friday, January 26, 2007

Why I run away from men (literally):

I run away from or otherwise avoid them because I think that the potential pain of getting one's heart broken is just as scary as anything could ever possibly be.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Sometimes I feel like such a social retard. It isn't so much that I want to change the essence of who I am....but on the other hand, it's downright painful to be so socially awkward, to not know what to say.

The real hell of it is that I tend to prefer other quiet, reserved people, and it can be seriously difficult to develop any kind of a rapport with someone like that. I can think of a lot of people, of both sexes, whom I'd like to have gotten to know better, but I didn't know what to say, so I said very little, and I never got to know them (predictably enough). I'm tired of this. I need to fix it, and I have no idea how.

Maybe....something direct? I'm good at that approach once I get the nerve together...

(more later)

Monday, January 15, 2007

Broken Children
I am sitting here crying. I've been looking at pictures and descriptions of children available for adoption.

I looked at the Asian children first, because if I were actually going to adopt, I'd probably want to get an Asian girl. Most of the listed Asian kids were born with birth defects or are disabled in some way. :( The one that started the tears was a beautiful little boy about 5 years old. Well, he was beautiful to me, even with the huge red birthmark covering almost the entire left side of his face. He's Chinese, so I guess since they only get to have one child there, it has to be 100% perfect, right down to not having any birthmarks. Then there was another from China, a little 2 year old boy with a nicely repaired cleft lip and palate. The expression on his face looked wounded and rejected...already. Heart defects, disabilities, etc etc.

There were only 3 African kids listed, all older and all very beautiful.

American children: this is where it got really hard. Many of them have Asperger's syndrome, just like me. I would love to take one of these kids home, but I can't: travis

"Travis says he would like an adoptive family that would enjoy playing board games and card games with him and he hopes his new family will have other children.

The ideal family for Travis will be experienced in parenting and knowledgeable about behavioral issues and Asperger’s syndrome. This could be a couple or a strong single male. Travis should be the only child in the family or he must be the youngest as he will need 24-hour supervision. The family should be very structured, able to commit fully to Travis and be understanding of his mental health and social skill needs."

Anytime you read about an adoption for an aspie kid, it will say that, even if the kid is 17 years old. He/she has to be either the youngest kid with a much older sibling, or an only child. It's as though they think that aspies cannot grow up with younger siblings, or siblings close to our own age! People, people!!!! ::chamoisee bangs her head against the computer desk:: Where in the HELL do you think we finally DO learn our social skills from??? Insulating us from siblings is NOT the ideal way to develop our social skills, DUH! That poor kid, he actually says that he wants a family with other kids, and the workers will make sure he doesn't get it.

I ask you, how many adoptive parents, given the choice of only one child, an aspie, to adopt, or another child with the option of possibly getting a brother or sister or adding him or her to an already existinbg family, is going to choose the aspie?! These poor kids are going to stay in foster care because of this absolutely demented idea that we aspies "cannot handle" the stress of competing with brothers or sisters.

Our siblings are often our best friends. What a disservice...what a cruelty, to deny these kids not only that but also a potential home for that reason.

Friday, January 12, 2007

Urg, what a week we've had! The baby got pneumonia, the 6 year old got pink eye (and I am fervently hoping that the baby hasn't caught it, because if he did, I'm out several days of work whie, he recovers, and my coworkers will be PEEVED with me!) our pipes froze and I had to go crawl around under the house in the dirt embedded with cat shit (I am trying valiantly to quell the urge to murder all those cats, most of which aren't even mine- cat repellent, maybe?) to find out about the heat tape and work on getting the water working again. I am just mentally and emotionally exhausted. I mean, picture it: six kids in a one bedroom house in the middle of winter on a very cold day (so going outside to play is not an option), one of them has pinkeye, which is very contagious, but none of them can wash their hands to prevent it, because there isn't any water, the house is a pit but you can't do dishes or laundry or even wipe anything down, and in the midst of all this is a baby who is still sick and needs rest badly.

:jumps up to go and turn the water on to a trickle, so it doesn't freeze again tonight:

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

Well, I looked in the mirror. I'm not really ugly....just average. I think what it must be is the whole eye contact issue. I don't make good eye contact, and eye contact is the way women signal that they are interested in a man or in any person,for that matter. When you think about it, isn't lack of eye contact the main reason that normal parents get so fed up with us and want to cure their autie kids? I think it's really hard for normals to love something or someone if they cannot get eye contact from it. Their bonding seems to hinge strongly on eye contact.

Moreover, I am beginning to notice that many of the men I have found attractive have eyes that are squinty or deep set or overshadowing by a prominent browline. Men with a strong, direct gaze creep me out and repel me, especially if the shape of the eye is such that most of the eye is visible. Eyes that have white showing around the iris (either above orbelow the iris, or god help us, both!!!) are particularly offensive.

So, for those of you who have an aspie or autie that you do love in spite of their poor eye contact, try squinting your eyes a little or wearing sunglasses when you talkto them,and see if that helps.