Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Woot! Got an A in psychology. OK, so I shouldn't be surprised. I liked psychology and in my life experience, I've had plenty of case studies to observe (not excluding, of course, myself). Heh. So, on to new conquests: more Algebra, English, and either Biology or Chemistry. The latter will both require labs, which means I probably can't do them wholly online. I also wanted Ethics, but after seeing just how accelerated those summer courses really are, I'll save it for then. I think I had probably better start getting the science and math prerequisites out of the way.

The 5 year old is finally able to walk again. He can't run yet, but since he's such a little hellion, I don't especially mind. I'll be chasing him down within a week...

Picked 2-3 eggplants and a few ripe tomatoes. I really need to start applying my attentions to the problem of what I intend to do with the tomatoes. Forty plant's worth of fruit is not going to fit in the freezer.

I've been building a rock wall across the front yard. Paul brings home rocks every so often and I use them up. Wish I were better at it (dry stone masonry is an art form) but some things just aren't perfect the first go around. I can't say exactly what the purpose of the wall is. It isn't going to be high enough to function as a privacy screen. It probably won't keep Charlie in the yard, he'll just run through the opening where a gate should be (have no idea how to affix a gate to a stone wall). I think the idea is to provide a visual boundary that is reasonably aesthetic. There are a lot of gaps (I don't cut or shape the rocks) in the wall, and the plan is to fill these with sedums, phlox, and various xeric rock loving species.

Lastly, between now and the onset of the fall quarter, I intend (note the lack of commitment there) to work ahead in the algebra book so as to have a head start.

Another thing: no matter how well I do (any given task or goal), I always have this nagging sensation that I should be doing better. People always think I'm such a bitch...I don't think this is true, it's just that I take things so *seriously* and especially when I feel passionately about something. Or, it's like, instead of an angel or devil perched on my shoulder (flashback to kiddie cartoons), I've got this awful nitpicky critical thing hounding me, reminding me of all my failings and of every embarrassing thing I've said or done. And yet, the alternative would be mediocrity, so...

Monday, July 21, 2008

I am so disillusioned and depressed with the community I live in. These people are, to put it crudely, a bunch of dumbfucks. They have very little concept of human rights, moral behavior, basic biology or health...I could rant for a long time. The educational system sucks, particularly for older children (the elementary grades are actually OK, no real complaints there). The laws in this state regarding the human value of its taxpayers are atrocious. The land is high priced, and for what? To live in an area full of ignorant, inbred yokels and barely make ends meet because decent jobs can't be found?

I've raised my kids hoping that they'd be open minded and accepting of other's differences. I've tried to expose them to experiences I thought were worthwhile. What does this community give me in return? My kids come home with words like "fag" and "nigger" and the idea that interesting activities are "gay" as are decent clothing (which I buy for them, but they will not wear, because they want to look like dumb rednecks, their peers), and obsessions with video games instead of their former interests in birds, cooking, and nature. They still like to fish, because fishing is socially acceptable. I don't want to waste my life raising dummies who go out and get drunk every night and knock up crackhead bimbos who smoke and continue to get wasted even after they're preggers. This community is toxic, and it's making my children sick.

I want them to have some kind of a chance at life, not a lifelong struggle with half a pickled brain....or a job in a lumber mill...or even settling down to be a respectable citizen of this trashy area. I simply cannot give them what they need here.
Well, we went to Manito Park in Spokane a few days ago. I learned quite a bit about which plants I do not want to grow, others that I wouldn't have considered before but am now interested in, and new applications for plants I've had all along. Lots of fuel for ideas there. The kids loved it and were reluctant to go. It's funny how most garden catalogs provide insufficient information about the plants they offer. For example, they'll show you the bloom, but not the leaves or the entire plant, so you've got no idea what shape the plant will be except for the written description, what the leaves will look like when the plant's not in bloom, and other fairly necessary info. Leaves are very important, because you have to live with them through the entire growing season. Winter interest is another neglected area, but I suppose people don't care about their gardens in the winter?

Monday, July 14, 2008

I just watched a really good movie- Love in the Time of Cholera. I don't care as much about the real life identity of actors as I do about their actual performance in a given film, so I'm not going to look them up. Anyway, even more than Perfume, this is precisely my sort of movie. I strongly related to it. Aside from my subjective feelings about the film, one thing I really noticed and appreciated was the extremely skilled transition in age of the two main characters. I still am not quite sure if the same two actors were used throughout. I think there were two actors for each role, but I'm not 100% sure, and like I said, the transition was done so well that I'd have to watch it a couple more times to figure out where they switched. One of the things that the film brought out, and which I'd like to emphasize, is this: love is not a moral issue.

This brings me to a question: is it ever possible for a feeling to be a moral issue? I'm not sure of the answer yet. I think that some feelings are definitely unhelpful or inappropriate to the situation or dangerous or debilitating, but I can't think of an instance in which it would be immoral to feel a particular way. If you can, then let me know.

I guess I'm not the one to ask about morality anyway, because my standards on this aren't based on religion or a books or laws, etc etc. To my way of thinking, the standard of appropriate individual and social behavior is based upon its sustainability. If an action is truly sustainable over the long term, chances are that's it's a safe bet. If not, better rethink things. I really hate the way that people just obediently follow along and mindlessly let other people tell them what is or isn't right or wrong, but honestly, I think that for some, this is necessary. Some people really *need* the consolation and security or having a lifelong authority figure, such a deity, to tell them what to do in every facet of their lives.

Mmmmm. I am munching on a cinnamon stick as I write this, and I like the color of it. Someday I still want to build a paper or straw bale house and plaster it so it has an adobe type appearance. The color of this cinnamon stick would be really nice for such a house.

Also, I'm thinking of gardens. Specifically, I want to make a perennial bed where something will be in bloom from earliest spring until the fall, preferably with winter interest as well. Actually, it doesn't have to be in bloom all the time, but should have something interesting at every time in the year. So far, I have the following succession penciled in (this is the sort of thing I think about and visualize when they think I'm zoned out and brain dead at work):

scilla or snowdrops or anemone blanda...or all three
species tulips, crocuses, and tiny early species daffodils
hyacinth, tulips (Darwin), possibly more daffodils
Thalia narcissus, late tulips (such as parrot types)?
peonies (to hide the bulb's foliage as it dies back), maybe hosta
daylilies, eremurus?
oriental lilies

and that's as far as I've gotten.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Oh, please. I am 35+ years old; way too old to be letting petty stuff like a coworker get to me. This crap is for teeny boppers and drama queens. I need to grow up and just start ignoring it or make it into a joke or something. Life's too damned short for this.

On the flip side, the sad reality is that we're not *allowed* to have problems at work. We're just expected to suck it up and pretend life's OK even if a co worker is making us absolutely miserable. The sad part of that is that most of these problems, if dealt with early on, wouldn't balloon out of control, but left unattended like that, they fester. And then of course, both parties get into trouble, regardless of who the aggressor was, except if the aggressor was a manager. If that's the case, you're really and truly screwed and nothing can save you, because managers can do no wrong when it comes to employee interrelations.

Monday, July 07, 2008

I am so incredibly tired. Work has been chaotic, unrelenting, and very demanding both in pace and volume of business. It seems to me that there are never enough box boys to go around, and that they don't respond quickly enough or at all, but I suppose that it's been hard on them, too. Getting anything at all to eat in time to eat it on one's break is next to impossible. The lines...the lines....by the time you get to buy the item, there's no break left to eat it in, so why bother? I'm not going to bother griping about it, too damned tired.

Oh- my White's boots are done. I am SO happy to have them back! I notice however, that wearing them causes a different walking style, imposed by the stiffness of the boot around the very supportive ankle. At any rate, my hips won't be hurting me so badly after work. Now it's my shoulder, from hefting people's poison (huge cases of beer and pop) all day long. Ah well. Life gets us one way or another. I am so happy to get the boots back; I could almost send them a thank you card. At some point, I think I should get a second pair in case something like this happens again. I don't want to be without them again.

My five year old hurt his foot. He still isn't putting any weight on it. The X rays show no broken bones though, so I suppose we'll give it another day or two. Apparently he was climbing an extension ladder at his dad's house and the upper part of the ladder slid down, crushing his foot between two rungs. Thankfully he was only about three feet off the ground when it happened. It's seems really strange for him to be so well behaved for a change. Of course, it is only because he is immobilized... ;-)

What else. Ah. The baby (age 2.5) said "helmet". We were concerned about his vocabulary??? I'm not worried any longer. He's obviously bright and going to catch up in his speech quite quickly.

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

As you can see, I've been having trouble with a co-worker. All I really want is for her to leave me alone, not to talk right in my ear (her voice is high pitched, sharp, and irritating) because it's painful, and most emphatically *not* to ever, ever touch me (because if she does, I'll want to take 2 or 3 showers right away), and not to boss me around, because she has no right to, I have quite a bit more seniority than she does. I know it's not healthy to hate someone, but I do (at least for the time being- my form of hatred never lasts very long). I suppose I hate her precisely because she embodies the type of women I've always felt compared to and belittled by, the type of women I've always loathed and wanted desperately not to be like, because they seem like Stepford wives to me.

It doesn't help that she looks, sounds, and acts almost exactly like my ex's ex wife, the one he constantly compared me to and wished would take him back, instead of me. The primary difference if that this one isn't intelligent at all, she's just manipulative and mean under a saccharine mask.

Anyway, it seemed that she was immune to the rules everyone else had to follow, everybody else is also having problems with her, and she still just does whatever the hell she wants to. The managers haven't been able to get results either, so they just tell me to ignore her, except for the other sycophant, who repeatedly, monotonously, and faux-innocently proclaims that the boss *likes* her, which frankly, turned up the volume on my irritation right into the rage zone. Every single complaint or query about this problem (including the rumor that she might make manager!!!!) brought the harmless sounding reply "The boss likes her!” until I thought I would just scream.

Well, now I've been called to the office and given a talking to. I am the fourth person to be given a conference of talking to about this woman and yet it seems the problem is mostly mine. Hmmm. So, I admitted that yes of course I'm not perfect and will not speak of her at all anymore in the store and I will simply not interact with her at all, which basically is what I wanted except that I haven't been circumspect in not talking about her, because one has to vent somehow, somewhere. And that where, dear reader, is now going to have to be here. Sorry.