And sadly, it isn't the Asperger's. Maybe a little bit....the Asperger's certainly contributes by not being able to tell kidding from serious, etc. Mostly though, it's the PTSD, coming around the block to try to fuck up my life yet again, ruining another day that could have been perfectly good, leaving me feeling so fragile and frail and small and in need of comforting. I hate this. I really hate it. They say that EMDR will help and I sincerely hope that they're right. :-(
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Friday, March 29, 2013
And I think back...a couple of years back. Yeah. Look what letting anxiety run away with me did then. Lovely. Please, brain, stop. Stop tormenting me already.
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
Human energy is draining. Feeling all those people around....it is emotionally and mentally "noisy". Oddly, large gatherings of Quakers are much less draining than the same number of other people would be. That human energy is still something I need a break from, but much less so than if they were a different group of people. Not sure why.
So. You see how I am, and my dad still thinks I should become a CNA. That just seems like such an incredibly bad idea to me! Taking care of the people I love and nursing them is one thing....doing it every day is another. Also, although I would likely love, nurture and care for patients under my care, the social interactions with co-workers would drive me nuts. Recipe for certain disaster....
Ah---> speaking of such things: mullein is good for relieving congestion and it grows all over the place (free, in other words). It doesn't have an exciting flavor, but isn't bad, either...mixing it with peppermint or other typical herbal tea blends for people with colds (rosehips, high in vitamin C, are another recommended addition) is the general course of action. How much? Oh, I don't know....a single leaf, or maybe a tablespoon per cup if it's dried and powdered.
Saturday, March 23, 2013
It isn't that I'm blaming anyone; I don't mean it that way. But I lack confidence and belief in myself, in the very areas where my strength lies, because these areas have always been overlooked an tossed aside as only being worthy of hobbies or pastimes. I know, intellectually, that I have value and talent, but that recognition never really sinks in to my core/self worth. :-(
Friday, March 22, 2013
Sunday, March 17, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
I realize that our society has elevated the family dinner to an essential ritual, that it's considered a hallmark of a healthy and respectable family. Politicians talk about family meals....sitting around the table together is the wholesome and traditional standard. One never hears about a happy family eating in a less formal manner. Happy families sit down and chat happily while sharing their mealtime, period.
Except that family dinners aren't always happy. For some of us, there are literally years of bad memories involving dinnertime and tables. There are parents slapping their children upside the head from across that table, making cutting remarks about the amount of food eaten, playing control games with that nice dinner, or forcing their kids to eat stuff that makes them gag. There are fights and scenes and general nastiness, cold silence instead of the happy small talk, none of it anything anyone would ever want to reenact, all of it so aversive that the slightest bit of tension at someone else's family dinner mkae my anxiety levels soar, makes my stomach sink with dread and foreboding. No, I don't have sit down family meals. And I don't buy that the sort of family meals that haunt my memory are healthier than the much more free form meals that we have. Convention be damned....there is more than one way of doing things, including eating together.
Monday, March 11, 2013
The downside is that I have to find a home for my dog...ideally I'd like to have the option of gettign him back someday or at least getting to see him now and then. This is heartbreaking...he's the best dog I've ever had....but I have to have a place to live and without that I can't see my children to speak of. :-(
Saturday, March 09, 2013
Perhaps it's a sensory issue, but I'd have to side with the men on this one. If romance and tame affection were all I got in a relationship, I'd begin to feel teased, tormented and frustrated in fairly short order. Within 2-3 days we'd be seeing meltdowns and real panic. It's been a problem at times, because as with everything else, selectivity is high. I need to be touched and handled, yet am unreasonably fussy about who and how.
In the course of pleasant daydreaming a few days ago, i realized that it's not solely about sex; it's a need for touch. I could probably be OK, truly OK as opposed to just coping/hanging in there, if instead of a daily romp, there were a massage instead....now and then. It does seem however, that a nice massage, whether given or received, would have a way of revving up ones appetite.....hey, it would be good one way and even better the other, right? :-p