Tuesday, November 16, 2004

:-) I am happyyyyyyy........

Except, I wish my mail program would function. I have been here at the library for almost an hour now and still can't access it. Frustrating!!!! Well, I should start up my yahoo account again, I guess. I just hate having to check two different places for mail. BUt see, this sort of thign happens too often, and I'm getting really sick of it.

Otherwise: bills are piling up mainly because I hate to deal with them. I have the money, I just dislike interacting with the outside world any more than I absolutely have to. Now is that STUPID or what??? See, that just isn't sustainable. If I don't pay my bills, I WILL have problems. What I should do it to mount a clip board by the door with bills to be paid, in a place where it will bother me to see them. When they are paid, I shoudl tuck the receipt into the billing statement and put that into a file.

It is the same way with rentals. I didn't have a lot of success b/c I hated to call around. I am no longer phone-phobic, just phone averse, (well, for the most part!!!! heh. :-P ) JObs, same thing. I have to force myself to do these thigns, and it rubs me the wrong way the entire time I do it. I soemhow have this feeling that it isn't that way for normal folks. Again: post office box. I sometimes don't check it for well over a week, even thoguh I drive right past it almost every day. I hate to do it. I don't like opening that box and being flooded with input and announcements and expectations of bills to be paid and so forth. So I simply ignore it until I realize that I really should do it...and teh thing is crammed full (mostly advertisements). And people see this stuff, and they don't understand. They think I am lazy or irresponsible. They do not comprehend that it requires EFFORT.

Anyway, enough of all that. I have to leave for work soon and here I am ranting about a world that has been desgined by sociable people in such a way as to make social interaction necessary and almost unavoidable...so that there is not a choice, so that you cannot preserve your precious bits of social energy to lavish on someone that you really care about. See, that is what I want: to spend the time with soemone who will understand me, and I them, and to whom it will matter as opposed to countless trite, shallow exchanges.

All my life, all I have ever wanted (other than to be an artist, and I knew in my heart that I already was one) is to find someone like myself, who speaks the same language, who understands the 'weird' stuff that is wonderful and priceless to me...to enjoy the companyof someone who would be *interesting*. And man, I sure have been banged up along the way, looking, searching...but I would still give it my all to find someone, just ONE person, that I could relate to and be truly close to. And now, I have to pause, because I ask myself (to self): Do you have anythign to give?? (me back to self);Well, yeah, I think so. Yeah. Sure I do. I have LOT to give...but it would be in my own way. Normal people have always been disgruntled b/c they did not want the expressions that were my truest...what they wanted was for me to fake and simulate THEIR kind of expressions. And then, when I went dead and feelingless on them, they blamed me. :-( But yeah, I do think, under the right circumstances, that I have everythign still there. It's just, at this point, there is a part of me that really begrudges all the wastedness of my life, I wish I could gather it all back up again and give it to the right person...if...as I hope...there is a right person.....

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