Wednesday, March 31, 2004

The gal I had a problem with was at work again and picked a fight with me- over a very insignificant nitpicky thing. Well, I'm done with this shit. Either she cuts it out, or they rearrange things so I don't have to work with her, or I quit. I just can't work and function when I'm cringing and feeling intimidated by her. Yeah, yeah....I know...don't *let* her intimidate me. But when you've had a lifetime of abuse, that's a little easier said than done; and dealing with it at all is a drastic improvement over what I've done in the past. I'm tired of having this **** bullying me. I've owned goats like her- they went straight to the sale barn or some other inauspicious place.

Anyway....I was feeling pretty miserable. I wanted a warm place to curl up in and feel safe, but alas...the upstairs was at home. What I realized (just now) was that I wanted to be held, to have someone run their fingers through my hair and tell me to forget about it, not to worry about it, etc. IOW, to be nurtured. Ew, that makes me squirm to admit.... but OTOH....I have it in me to do that for someone else, for my children, for the goats. What's so terrible about confessing a momentary craving for it myself?

Also- I would never treat another person the way this woman is treating me. Another adult, a child, my children; hell, I wouldn't even treat a goat that way unless I had a damned good reason to do so (such as an animal having shown aggression and having to really make it toe the line). There was a new girl today, her first day on the job. I was nice to her, showed her all the stuff the way I wish it'd been presented to me. I'm not a bad person, didn't deserve all the crap that's been dished out to me over the years. Sometimes it just happens that way. Honestly though, get enough of it, and you begin to wonder whether maybe this is, in fact, the measure of your worth. (!) To hell with that!!!! We can't change what's already happened, the fact that there are nasty, cruel people in the world who get off by making others absolutely miserable. All we can do is to make it right, to try to create in reality the way things ought to be, and hope it'll catch on, that it'll be contagious and crowd the bad out (in time).

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