Still sick. Yesterday was about a 12 hour day..today, 8 hours. I can't see that work really makes much of a difference, except tiredness at times, and it keep my mind off feeling crummy or depressed, so might as well make money. Ugh. I sort of hate the way mone has acquired such a prominent status in my life. Unfortunately, at this time it's the part of the puzzle that has to be dealt with in order for everything else to fall into line. I'll try to keep it in perspective, though- as a tool, not an end in itself. I don't really have the sort of mentality that could strive endlessly after $ anyway, though.

The gal I had a problem with was at work today, and we're on speaking/working/small talk terms again. It makes for a more comfortable working atmosphere. I didn't really want to have it out with her, in fact I tried everything I could think of to please her before I finally decided she'd have to live with the best I could do. Now, if they just won't make us close together again. Closing the deli is the most stressful part of it. I closed with another girl tonight and we finished early. :-)

I occasionally see guys that look momentarily appealing for...well, a moment or less. Heh. None of them are even remotely tempting.

I keep (over the course of days, weeks, months) find myself longing for and fantasizing about a nice hot shower or a relaxing bath. There are _no_ relaxing baths here. It just doesn't happen. Getting a bath once a week is uncommonly good fortune. I've considered renting a motel room expressly for the sake of the shower...eh..I guess not.... :sigh: How long is it going to be before things can be different, before I can take a hot shower for granted as part of a normal, daily routine?

Someday, I want clean clothes, clean towels that don't smell sour, washcloths without mildewed spots on them, to be able to eat without feeling anxiety about whether I should have reserved part of the food for the next meal, to never have to worry about having enough to eat again, to be able to rise above obsessing over incredibly small, trivial things that other people take for granted, like band aids, matches, and socks. To be able to wash my face or hair without spending 15 minutes (or more) finding the necessary supplies or heating the water, and so on. I know that there are people in the world who haul water in buckets or skin bags for miles, who could not even conceive of a hot bath, and who're fine with that. Man, I'm tired of that sort of thing.