Yeah, I really do feel that way, all of it. I think I missed some of it, if you want to know the truth. When people ask me something like, "How are you doing?", I always pause and scrutinize myself to see before formulating a reply. (Hummm, well, I felt suicidal this morning but then X happened and that cheered me up, but there's also this other little problem which will affect N if I don't do something about B.....) and then as the words come to fruition and I'm about to speak, I realize that the other party doesn't want to know all that, they're merely asking a ritualized question and an honest reply would be out of order, so I say (somewhat surprised and off-guard since I was jerked out of the other thoughts) "Oh! Er....I'm fine, and you?" They mince out more trivial politeness while looking at me strangely and make a getaway as soon as possile. I'm such a dork.....
The 'current mood' stuff bothers me for the above reasons. I can't really box in everything that I'm experiencing inwardly into one or two words. The best I can do is to express the predominant tone or the one that's most distressing. Why do I do it at all, then? Because. Part of the purpose of the blog was for me to try to record what's going on, to see if I could detect a pattern or recurrrent themes, to try to identify what's going on, because emotional stuff is just so hard/confusing/mystifying to me, like a foreign language that takes over inside my head. That's why. And one thing I've noticed is that, when I start off by saying something like, I don't know how I feel... there usually follows a lot of unhappiness and things that've been plaguing me and i wasn't conciously aware of them until I tried to express it.
Odd Random thoughts
- They should sell pre-decorated hard boiled eggs for busy people who lack the ability or inclination or time to decorate their own.
- It'd be really cool to have the eggs with a marbelized finish, you know, like the marbled paper in fancy books.
- I hate the way people address old/handicapped people, as thought they're children
- I had the *weirdest* dream last night
- So far, most of the does I wanted doelings from have obliged, but I can only keep a certain number of goat. Who am I going to cull??
- The new buck is posty (not enough angulation in the rear leg, where the hock is). This is a serious problem.
- Next buck used will have to be very strong in leg angulation. Buy?? From whom? Breed? Which doe?
- Runs through mental list of Sodium Oaks bucks in nitrogen tank with good angulation.
- Why is it that I bought two amarylisses, both supposed to be white, and one was red and the other is salmon pink? Do the bulbs get mixed up at the packing place? Do they just plop bulbs into boxes, with there being no real correlation bettween box and bulb color? I wanted white.
- This spring has been very dry. It will be a struggle for the garden and perennials.
- Coordinating the work schedules is a pain. I think I'll request to work Fri- Mon at the deli and Tue-Thur at the other (preferable) job.
- Now that I've got these jobs, the Forest Service work is out of the question, and I really wanted to at least look into that. Damn!
- I could let them go. It would look bad on resumes though, quit two jobs. Besides, I like the work with disabled people.
- Chess: two problems; One, the PK4,PK4,NKB4,NQB4,B4, (expecting B4 response), KN4. This leads into the Two Knight's defense. I'm having trouble with that opening. I don't always want to use the fried liver attack. I got aced night before last when I faltered about this.
- secondly: Sicilian Defense; I have yet to reply to PK4 with PQB4 and have the opponent reply in the expected manner with NKB3. I have been striving to become familar with this defense, have played it several times, and they always do something else, and then I'm left to wing it, which I do...but it'd be nice to at least know how it'd go if the standard route was followed.
- And, it's time for me to wash my clothes so I can go to work.
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