Monday, May 30, 2011

I miss you like a drowning man misses the sunshine, the air, the sky.

And yet....if I really love you, I have to leave you alone so I won't mess up your life, have to try to get to my feet and pick up some thread of life to work from.

This is so hard to do.

I think of you, see you, dream of you, hear someone say your name, see a car that looks like yours....and it's like being punched in the gut. Well, no. It lasts a lot longer than that. Something in me keens for you sharply, feels like I can't breathe in this vacuum, desperate to get out....but then I ask myself, do I want to make trouble for you, to hurt you, to be more of pain than I've already been? And always, the answer is no....No, I'd rather die than to do that. I think of my past offenses, and I can't undo those....but what I can do is not to raise any more hell than I already have. I close my eyes and see your face again...and the panic dies down and there's only a dull and hollow ache with the swirling grays of sadness.

But oh, how I miss the fleeting breeze of your scent, the kind, warm sound of your voice....

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