Now that I'm not working.....I feel more reclusive than ever. It is getting to the point where even the thought of going to the grocery store is...not fear imspiring, but...unattractive. I don't feel like seeing other people, and it isn't because I'm depressed, either. It just isn't appealing.

Also, without the constant social drain on my energies and coping mechanisms, I feel more creative and alive (internally), less like a robotic drone. :nods: It's nice.

Alas, I can't keep doing this unless I find a way to make it pay....

So I need to find some sort of employment either in tandem with my usual workplace or instead of it. I'd like something less social, more physical/utiltarian/results oriented. My current thought of the day is to work just one or two days a week at my old workplace and apprentice as a finish carpenter or drywall finisher. In fact, I wouldn't mind regular construction/framing, but I'm not sure I could find anyone willing to hire a 5' 2" tall woman who usually weighs 120# at the most.....maybe it's possible...I definitely don't mind working.

Except, what I really wanted to do with my life was *ART*. I don't want to wait until I'm old, and even then, I won't be able to do anything but just tread water unless I find something better paying to do....

My baby is now externalized! (is that a word?) Charles, 7#, 7oz, born 12-20. He is nice, sleeps for several hours at a time, but seems alarmingly small/frail.

The C-section went well, and overall I feel 200% better than I would have after a regular birth...but getting tubes tied was unexpectedly more painful (recovery-wise) than I thought it'd be.

Meanwhile, the bitchiness that was a constant tone of my pregnancy has evaporated, and in its place, I just feel....vulnerable...and creative. It's very hard for me to sit still and rest like I'm supposed to, and I keep overdoing it and hurting myself. Life seems too full and open with things to do....

Something else:

*Just got an ultrasound today. The baby is most definitely male. :-)

*My doctor thinks that the reason for my slow postpartum recovery is probably that I bled a lot. She said that when you lose that much blood, it takes the body a loooong time to build it back up again. When you consider that a new mother is also undergoing the physiological strain of beginning lactation (with it's dramatic surge of excess milk production), I can see how it would set a person back. Healing, lactating, anemic/making more blood, plus inadequate rest? Yeah, it makes sense.

*So she's going to try to make sure that I don't bleed too much this time, if possible. Nice!

*A whole month after getting an echocardiogram, they still haven't given me a verdict on what exactly was wrong with my heart last time and if it will recur! I do like to imagine that if it were life threatening, they'd have told me by now.....

*Also- this baby is on the small side: only about 7.5 lbs. I am currently feeling horribly guilty about not ingesting more meat/protein....the fact is that I have little to no appetite for meat since I got pregnant, especially store meat. I have to force myself to eat red meat..... More eggs, cheese, and soy milk, I guess...

Realization of the day:

Spanking (and I could include corporal punishment and child abuse of various forms) isn't really about causing the child pain at all. The primary goal is not to hurt the child, it's to humiliate them. That's why it's so painful and leaves such a lasting mark that still smarts years later.....

Think about it......

I am really, really scared. Eighteen days (or less) from now, I'll be holding a new baby in my arms. It isn't so much the prospect of the actual birth that frightens me, it's the afterwards....

This place doesn't feel like home to me, not really. The last three births may have been in more difficult/primitive conditions, but I felt comfortable and grounded. With this place, if we miss a month's rent, we'll have to more, and to where? There's no privacy, no place to hide, no sanctuary, goats to seek solace with if I need them. No silence, no solitude, and it's killing me. I can't insist on these things without infringing on everyone else's rights or pissing people off.

And I *know* I'm a troll and I'm trying really hard to be reasonable and not to complain, but I just can't relax. I'm either on edge from constant noise or recovering from some kind of stress or afraid that I've irritated someone or yelling for the boys to shut up, or pleading with people to please, please, PLEASE try to get along and stop fighting!

How is this baby going to sleep? Nobody cares about noise or being quiet...I can't sleep until everyone else is sleeping first, and even small noises wake me up in the morning, after which I can't go back to sleep again. How am I going to rest and recover? How am I ever going to relax enough to be able to nurse this poor kid and let my milk down? Nobody listens to me unless I yell and bitch at them...and I don't want to yell around a little baby....
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I guess it wouldn't be as big an issue if I recovered the way other women seem to. I didn't realize, until recently, that I was different that way. I thought all women got knocked out of commission for weeks on end. They don't. My coworkers waltz right into the store with the less-than-a-week-old babies, and the look fine! They don't stagger and fight for the energy to stay standing. They don't have to sit down every 15-20 feet. Heck, then even carry not only the baby, but also a large, bulky car seat/baby carrier thing (which seems like an awful lot of trouble and inconvenience and weight compared to a nice snuggly baby against your shoulder). I can't believe this, but it's true- I've seen it. My manager even returned to work just a week after her first child!!!

I don't know if I hemorrhage when I give birth or what, but it's all I can do to remain standing for a few minutes for the first 2-3 days. After that, I can walk around a little- but not much, and not for very long. I might muster up the strength to appear at the breakfast table. I'm certainly not going to be the one cooking the breakfast....not for quite a while.

And the idea of being that weak/helpless/pathetic, in this situation, just scares the living bejeezuz out of me......