Woo-hoo! Looks like the car repair problems will finally be resolved. I was able to procure a credit card. While I posess an inherent antipathy for the things, in this case it appears to be the only choice left, short of groveling ad nauseum until I could get someone to co-sign with me for a loan. Obviously this route is more dignified and independent.
::happy::happy::happy::

Got a few more minutes left (at the library, when Tim left he took his computer, too). I'm finally to a point where I can organize the house, get rid of excess junk, cook what I want to, and regain some sanity. I need to get the strawberries and irises (given to me by a former co-worker) in the ground ASAP.

Groan....it's going to take me a while to walk from here to home to the store and my hips are already sore...before 8 hours of standing on them on concrete. I'd better get home and at least eat something first.

Wait! Do I really want to go through life as a mask, playing a role, a facade? For what? To make other people happy? So they'll like me? That's twisted, because even if it worked (I'm no good at faking in the first place, however much I wear myself out trying), they still wouldn't like *me*, just the flipping mask. No.

And, maybe there aren't people who will like me the way I am, maybe there isn't even one, but it's still better than playing a role, putting on a phony face (at times literally) in lame attempts at inclusion, because in doing so, one sacrifices their own integrity.

I'm not talking about character flaws, issues, things that can be worked on. I think those things are entirely reasonable to strive for improvement in.

Well, I'm offline for a while except for the library (as now). The tomatoes have all been picked ( I think I may have posted that already last time?) and I've been freezing them. The plan for the newly vacated bed they were in is kohlrabi, beets, possibility of kale or even peas...nah, I don't think there's enough time for peas...maybe spinach. The Rosa Rubrifolia seedlings are ready to divide into individual pots, and...let's see, what else....ah yes, the apple seedlings from the "Pink Lady" apple, and the Japanese maple. I am reluctant to plant it until it has been definitely ascertained that I'll be buying the place. Suppose I could buy another, but....pathetic as it sounds, I get pretty attached to my trees and other plant life. My treasured hemerocallis "Brocaded Gown" died this spring despite my best efforts to save it, and I'm still sort of upset about that. I'll probably make an order to Oakes Daylilies and get another one at some point.

I haven't made a lot of progress towards getting my car fixed. This is primarily because I have no major purchases on my credit history. I have no idea how people ever get major purchases on their history so that they then can take out loans or buy on credit (which, to be honest, has never been a priority for me since I view debt with fear and suspicion). I can only conclude that they've all had a parent or friend co-sign for them at some point in their life. And so now, when I see other people driving nice cars (which in my mind, is anything other than a junker), I think about how someone must have loved them very much sometime in their life. It makes me feel very lonely and isolated.

OK, so that's a pretty pathetic way to look at things.....

Well, my car broke down. It blew its head gasket. This is a real pain to deal with, not because I mind walking, but because the children are in need of transportation almost every single day. I need to get a running vehicle very, very soon.

I must have close to 10 gallons of tomatoes on my kitchen table right now. They could probably have stayed on the vines another week or two, but honestly...I didn't feel like I could afford to be wrong. Besides, picking them frees up room for fall crops of greens, beets, carrots...and I'm wondering if I could get away with peas or spinach.

Work is going really well. I love being a cashier, except for the crackheads and the occasional person who is both dumb and rude (an impossibly annoying combo). A guy came in today who had a fresh and clearly inflamed needle mark on his neck. He was all hyped up and jittering through the store...and as he walked away, I watched him. Not only was his color not good, his legs were stick thin, making his socks and shoes look too large for his body. It's sad. Handling all this money...from people like that, makes me extremely glad that I got hepatitis shots when I worked at the hospital. The money is so filthy. It leaves grayish marks all over my hands, gets into the cracks and crevices of my skin...makes me feel defiled. Ick. I don't mean only the money from the druggies, I mean all of it...it's dirty.

What else? Ah...I got a loom...not a little homemade deal that makes potholders or that sits on your table, but an honest to god floor loom, from the thrift store. I just happened to be there when the people who donated it unloaded it from their truck, and snapped it up as soon as it hit the ground, to the tune of $25. The lady who donated it was ticked, said she'd paid over $450 for it, used. I knwo how to weave, and I've always wanted aloom. In fact, I've been intending to build one, but I wasn't quite sure what to use for the heddle. This one had pedals and all that jazz...it also folds up for storage, which is handy. I feel like it was a splurge, but my mom sent me birthday money, so....and it isn't like it was something frivolous. I can use it to make rugs, blankets, shawls, clothing, tableclothes...heck, you can hardly get a new blanket for $25. I sort of wish I had a spinning wheel again, but maybe a few years down the line. For now I can just recycle and make rag rugs.

I've been cooking a lot more from scratch lately, partly due to the surge of fresh vegetables from the garden. A sampling of what we've been eating: fried green tomatoes, eggplant, and zucchini, fresh salsa, pasties. I hadn't had a pasty since I was in the Midwest...oh how the memories came flooding back. :-) I've dried about half the peppermint, need to do the other half, and the lemon balm, thyme, marjoram, sage....and to dig up the basil so it wont get frosted.

Midnight already?! Time for bed!