I am beginning to realize that strong emotion of any kind scares me:

• Love: oh, don't get me started... This has got to be the most intimidating thing on earth, after snakes. No, scarier than snakes....love _is_ the most frightening, period.
• Anger: Feeling angry makes me shake; I hate it.
• Happiness/joy: feels...silly, embarrassing.
• Sadness: probably I take this better than the others, but still, too much is pretty unbearable.

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Boring as it may be, I suppose my preferred state of mind is running on an even keel. Sort of a neutral gray or gray-blue.
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People often tell me that I should smile more often. Frankly, I don't like smiling a lot. It hurts my face, yes, with a physical pain, if overdone. It shows my ugly teeth (wish I'd been privileged enough for braces). It feels....extreme and overexuberant. A *little* smiling, OK. But all the time? No! It's uncomposed.
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God, I'm boring.
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I think perhaps people think that I'm unhappy if I'm not smiling. This is not the case at all! I'm at my happiest when calm, composed, thinking about something that tickles my mind. It's just the way I am. I'm happy, really.
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Another thing: smiling just because you're standing there telling me to isn't going to help me at all. I will just plaster the (artficial feeling) smile onto my face until I determine that a reasonable amount of time must have passed, and then allow my face to resume it's natural, neutral expression again. It feels so FAKE!

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And here's something else that's bothering me.
Why do I reject the men that I like the most, not always intentionally but through my actions?
Why do I act cold or pretend like I don't like a guy, even if my insides are swimming with excitement and I can hardly think for the blood pounding in my head?
Why do I ignore them?
Why am I so afraid to look at them?
Why does it *hurt* me to look at an attractive man? Yeah, it does, it hurts. It's almost an electric shock like sensation, but in my eyes, and not quite physical. That's the best way I can describe it.
Why is it so *damned* hard for me to admit that I love or care about a man, and even harder to tell them so?
I mean, why can I tell just about everyone else on the face of the earth that I like a particular man, but then, if it come down to telling him myself...Oh god NO, please no.

These things hurt me. I wish that I could be more expressive, that I didn't have to be afraid. The more I love a guy, the less able I am to communicate it to him, except through actions, such as remembering his preferences.

:-/