Monday, September 02, 2013

Tired. Woke up with a pinched nerve in my neck/shoulders, feeling nauseous. Couldn't drink coffee, so then developed a headache as well. Managed to keep down Pepto, then ginger ale and a Go-Girl (caffeine fix sans milk) and a few plain rice cakes, and am starting to feel better again.

And speaking of feeling less tormented by the ugly situation involving my not-friend. There are a number of factors:

  • Acknowledging that the silence isn't involuntary. I have chosen to comply with that request. I hate the silence, and I hate the awkwardness, but it's the only thing he's ever asked me to do, so I have done it. In a seriously fucked up way, never speaking to this guy again until or unless he decides speech is OK has become the only way I can demonstrate any sort of regard or respect for him. It sucks, but there you have it, and again, I have been complicit in this so I need to quit whining about it.
  • Either this man is a reasonable person and this is a reasonable request that I simply don't understand, or he's not the reasonable person I thought he was. If he is not, there's nothing worth crying over. If he is, then hopefully this makes sense someday.
  • My boyfriend is a very reasonable, rational, fairminded individual and despite struggling with the fear of being vulnerable again, I have grown to love him in a way that I didn't know I was still capable of. As nice as it would be to daydream about having the unattainable and reaching the unreachable, my boyfriend is real, solid, reliable, and trustworthy...and I love him.

The old crap still hurts now and then, but it's hurting less than it used to...and I hope that someday it won't hurt anymore at all.

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