Wednesday, May 07, 2014

Feeling disillusioned and fragile, as if my heart were that lacy thin, delicate pattern of osteoporotic bone. I always hope for nice things, good things, for things to actually work out for a change...but I always expect the worst, that there was some misunderstanding and that nice thing is not really going to happen. And sure enough. You would think that since it was expected anyway, it wouldn't be upsetting....but it is. I always kick myself around the block for being stupid enough to have hoped for anything different. He says that I "awfulize". There's truth in that, but what he doesn't seem to see is that expecting the worst and bracing for it is a protective mechanism. Imagine, if I honestly thought everything I hoped for was really going to happen, how crushed I'd be? Been There. Done That.

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