Feeling heartsick and very discouraged. I thought things were better. I was so excited to see him.

I would not for a minute say that things are all his fault, or that I am a victim. But I do think that problems get swept under the rug and stuffed away and dismissed instead of being resolved. I also think that we sometimes treat and speak to the people who are closest to us in ways that we wouldn't speak to/treat a regular friend or a complete stranger...and this goes for me as much as anyone else. The first time I realized how I sounded when I spoke to my own kids....speaking to them in a way I would never speak to anyone else, I was so ashamed of myself...but, we all do it, unfortunately.

I KNOW that I am flawed. I realize that I am hypersensitive and take things more personally than I should. Yes, I get anxiety attacks and meltdowns. Meltdowns and anxiety attacks are not a conscious, voluntary decision. No one would *choose* to have one. Anyone who is having one, or for that matter, who's had their PTSD triggered, would love nothing better than to have it STOP instantaneously and to feel better again. The rate of substance abuse among people with these disorders is high for this reason- we want something, anything, to either make it stop or not happen in the first place. Getting angry for someone for getting triggered, experiencing a meltdown, or having an anxiety attack can only do one thing: make it worse. It is not, unfortunately, something that one can "snap out of". And yes, as a parent of kids on the spectrum, as someone who used to be partnered with an aspie, I'm very aware: dealing with meltdowns sucks for everyone. They are a truly sucky experience.

It might be germane to this conversation to discuss what a meltdown is, what it feels like. Because now that I think of it, I've read a lot of reports of parents punishing their autistic kids and/or treating meltdowns as if they were tantrums. When I am feeling a little better, I'll try to find some examples of meltdowns I've had and elaborate on this icky, aversive topic....because as much as I hate it, I do think that every parent whose kid is on the autism spectrum should know what a meltdown feels like from the inside.