I feel so sad. It's beautiful outside and it just means nothing to me. Too early to start drinking. Probably I should eat. I get scared. Maybe I've said too much. Maybe I didn't say enough. Maybe I should have told you what you mean to me. You....you are like seeing a rainbow for the very first time after a lifetime of the shittiest weather imaginable. I love you more than I'm able to say, and it terrifies me, because I know that you'll be gone. I know I'll lose you. And I don't know how to live without hope in my life. Do I reach out? No, that seems desperate. Maybe I'd be bothering you. But....maybe I seem cold. Ugh.... Just wait I guess.

I haven't posted for a long time. 2016 was an interesting year with a lot of changes; some were difficult and others have been good and even restorative.

Mainly, the relationship I've been agonizing over for the past four years is now over. I read back through some of it today and felt disappointed in myself. I made every excuse in the book for why it was all my fault, cried, whined, felt REALLY guilty, cried a LOT, wanted to die, told myself he was the best thing in the world, tried to believe it, tried harder, tried harder some more.... I twisted myself into pretzels trying to be what he wanted me to be, in a futile attempt to win his approval and get even a few hours of harmony and peace. I suffered a lot, and somehow managed to overlook the fact that he didn't seem to care. I compromised myself and tried to be things I wasn't. But the worst thing of it is, I neglected to spend enough time with my kids, and I prioritized keeping the peace with him, over taking good care of them and being fair with them.

I really thought that if I tried hard enough and looked long enough, exhausted every possible option, SOMEWHERE, a solution could be found. There's no solution for a person who doesn't value you and who takes you for granted. It shouldn't have required four years for me to figure that out.

Meanwhile, I neglected not only my kids, but also countless friendships. To be honest, the concussion didn't help- it left a movement disorder in its wake, which has interfered with driving long distances (or driving at all, sometimes) and worse, it looked really dumb. I couldn't bear for anyone to see me jerking and twitching around like that. Contra dancing (so much fun!!) isn't possible for more than a few dances. Chess requires attention span and not forgetting what you were going to do. Various social groups...if I'd had a way to get to them, I might have gone to some of them. The limitations can be hard to take, and it really makes one reconsider how much bodily and mental functionality we take for granted on a daily basis. Anyway, I'm still farming, am doing a lot better, and will try to post more regularly.