Sunday, March 18, 2012

The psychologist who was doing my neuro-psych eval just died, very unexpectedly. I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around this and bringing it from the world of abstraction to that of reality.

I hadn't been working with her for very long, only for the purpose of the neuro psych eval... but I felt close to her because she was an aspie, too. She understood me in a way that other therapists usually do not. There was so much that I did not have to explain or waste time on, because it was already understood. Even when people are informed about Asperger's, they don't truly understand it from the inside; it just is not the same.

And I guess....that even though you're not aspie, there's this element with you as well. I felt understood in a way that other people can work at for years and never really achieve. It was the difference in playing chess with someone who's never played before, and someone who sees 6 moves ahead, if one were to look at a chess game as a type of communication rather than as civilized warfare. It's the kind of thing that can't be faked or replaced or substituted for. When I communicate with other people, it's like talking to someone who speaks another language. It's so much work, there's so much that gets lost in translation, so much that doesn't get said. Even when both parties are trying their best, I still typically end up feeling misunderstood or only partly understood. No doubt the other person feels that way too. It leaves me feeling so lonely and that's nobody's fault, it's just the way it is.

It's such an empty world.

She was just here last week. Now she's gone. People die all the time. All the time, every second of every day, irreparable, unfillable holes are being left in lives from one side of the world to the other. What are we to make of this?

I always say that people don't really die, that they always live on in our hearts and in the ways that they've changed our lives, through their influence on the world and those around them. But I think maybe this is something I just say because it sounds good and is an easy sort of denial. :-/

Please don't ever die. Even if I never see or speak to you again, I don't think I could live in a world without you in it.

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