Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Amazing isn't it...

How you can go through life with a heavy burden, realize that it isn't really necessary to carry it any longer, and still feel anxious about letting it go? Guilt is such a powerful motivator. I've made so many stupid, stupid moves, decisions that have all but ruined my life, based primarily on guilt and a sense of obligation towards someone else's feelings. What about my feelings? Why in the hell didn't they matter?

I was afraid. Afraid of retribution, afraid of people breaking down into tears, afraid of having to deal with a nasty emotional mess, and perhaps, lazy. It was so much easier just to go along with whatever someone else wanted and not to rock the boat than to put up with a temper tantrum. I don't like having to deal with emotional confrontations, and I got into the habit of smoothing things over, of placating people and going along with their plan unless there was some life-threatening reason not to (ummm, and sometimes even when there was.

Well, it's pay up time. I'm now in a position where everyone expects me to be compliant, where unless I can come up with a damned good reason, I should do it their way, every time. The prospect of doing this for a moment longer is intolerable, so clearly something has to be done, and quickly...AND I've got to be on guard for adapting myself to someone else's views, because that's the pattern my brain has become so accustomed to. It's gotten to the point where I practically beg people to tell me what to do and to dominate me. *SIGH* This is just fricking pathetic.

And like the chess games that I lose night after night, maybe it's too late. Maybe I've lost too many opportunities, made too many bad moves, sacrificed things I should have kept, gotten myself backed into a corner and used up my assets until defeat is the only possible outcome. I hope not...

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