Well, I've been offline for a good week or two because the modem isn't working on the home computer. I'm at the town library now, which is less than ideal but certainly better than nothing at all. Current mood: pretty crappy. I began the day by falling down the stairs and bruising my elbows and back (the baby who I was holding, didn't get hurt, which was good). I spent about half an hour feeling sorry for myself and the rest of the day despising the sort of mentality that would want sympathy....along with nearly nonstop demands and noise from the children. So I've escaped from the house *all by myself* and am drinking in an hour or so of solitude and sanity before returning to the insoluble problem that appears to be my life. I have tried and tried and TRIED to figure out a way to get out of this mess, and nothing I can think of works. Getting a job would work- if only there were jobs to be had, and something to do with the smaller children (or a night job which would be preferable. I love the night.) Day in and day out, finding some way to get on my feet and get a life is just about alll I ever think of (almost! ;-) ...) And then people come along, family, aquaintances, dearest friends even, and say something along the lines of..."Well, I'm sure you could leave if you really wanted to! You just have to make up your mind and then do it!" or "Why don't you sell alll the goats?" or "I think you should stay there for the sake of the children. If you sold the goats and kept the house clean, everything would be better", or, OR, OR!!! I get so sick and tired of it... Sometimes I feel like giving the whole world the bird and screaming *FUCK*YOU*!!!! Why in the heck do they seem to think I'd be happy living *their* life? I don't want their life, I want mine, thank you very much.... And as for thinking it through and sheer willpower...geez....pure stubborness is the only reason I'm still around, and as I said before, I obsess day and night about ways to get free of this. Maintaining a facade of politeness can be very difficult, but I have to; I can't really afford to piss people off just now. On the positive side, I don't ever think about suicide any more. I've decided I want to live and if that's inconvenient, too bad- I'm sticking around and going to find a way out of this.

Dreams
I dreamt that I saw a man...but he was sitting with a bunch of other people we knew. There was an empty seat near him, but I was afraid to take it, afraid he or someone else might notice I liked him, afraid he wouldn't want me sitting near him. So I went away...decided to go to bed...there were several beds in the room and I crawled across an empty one, but he was in it...he drew me into his arms and I was happy.

Dreamt that I was with a group of people on a tour. A man was showing us through rooms and corridors. As the tour went on, the corridors became dark underground hallways, labyrinthlike, and there were fewer people. Then there was no one but myself, and the man, and the gloomy passages, one door opening into one hall, then another. I began to think I'd like to go back, tried to remember the way I'd come in, we come so far it was difficult to tell. I turned around, and the man was shutting the door, leaving me alone in the darkness, only his hand showing and pressing the door shut. Panicking, I beat on the door screamed at him- 'Don't shut me in! Don't shut me in!' Claustrophobic....I got that door open, rushed to the next, he was already closing that one... and so on.... then the tunnel closed in around me until my entire body was enclosed and it squeezed me. Only my feet emerged. Someone was pulling on them. And I thought...this is what being born is like...