Wednesday, November 26, 2003

I'm beginning to realize that my interpersonal relation skills are sorely lacking. The fact is that 99% of the time, I simply don't care what other people think, including what they think of me, so long as they leave me alone and don't interfere with me. (Yes, yes..horrid, isn't it?) But there's that 1% (or less), and because it's so small, because it's the exception, it really matters to me. I don't like pretense, can't stand social games and niceties, and two facedness. The standard way that people operate seems false to me. Unfortunately, the way I operate is either tactless, completely honest (if I really care about someone) or oblique and dysfunctional, depending on the circumstances of course.
If I have a problem with someone, I'll:

  • Avoid them
  • Ignore them
  • Sulk
  • Hide
  • Withdraw
  • Argue
  • Spend endless hours analyzing why I'm irritated and formulate ways to deal with it, either by discussing the issue or resolving it internally
  • Or- Resolve never, ever to let that person close to me again.

If I'm reeeeallly, reeeallly, invested in the person, I'll try to reconcile and eat dirt to do so..(feeling miserable all the while until the thing is resolved)...but this is problematic since it involves the possibility of rejection, and I'd rather handle a live snake than to face being rejected.

I hate being human. I hate having a heart. And I hate the cold and icy fear that blows through and settles in my chest.

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