Thinking some more now...while I'm upbeat enough to consider the subject without becoming profoundly depressed. I have a strong general idea that I want to change the direction of my life. What I can't figure out is how to get from where I am now, to where I'd like to be. Every time I see a ray of hope or something that looks workable, I doubt myself or encounter a serious setback and then it all looks hopeless again. So let's start with what I do know, what I want:

I'd like: (no particular order)

• For my children to be happy- all of them. And there's no way in heck I'm packing any of them off to live with relatives.
  
• I want to go to school and to be independent, hopefully as an artist or in an art related field of some kind. I don't ever want to be dependent (financially or otherwise) on anyone ever again, I think it's death to a healthy relationship.
  
• To have a lifelong companion and friend, the sort of friendship where I could trust the other party with all my secrets, a bond with depth and respect for one another as equals. There are other criteria, but I don't want to get sidetracked here. If I can't have this, then I don't want anything. I'd far rather be alone than to play out a role, going through the motions.
  
• The goats...I'd like to keep them if I can....but perhaps this would change if I gained proficiency and identity through other areas.
  
• I'd like to have a long term place to live, probably rural, eventually. In the meantime, a place to live, preferably within easy commuting distance to school.
  
• Very short term: think I'd like to go to Chicago and perhaps New York this winter or spring (or possibly summer), to see the museums and family and other things. I haven't been to Chicago's Art Institute for a very long time and was too young to appreciate it when I did. There are other places I'd like to go to and see but this would do for now...
  

So yes, I suppose I have my ideals, as much as anyone else. The list is shorter than I thought it'd be. And, it isn't as though I'm asking to be an astronaut or a billionaire or even a doctor. I think these things *are* attainable...the question is how??