Friday, November 07, 2003

That was pretty bleak and grim. Sounded as though I was about to walk the plank or something of that nature...heh. The modem went out on the computer and so I've been offline for several days. Even now it's hard to maintain a connection for more than ten minutes (or less). The inability to anesthesize my mind by surfing the net has made me think things through more than usual. The general pattern was to try not to think about something, my mind would keep returning to it, obsess about it until I began to feel overwhelmed with anxiety, depression, pain, hopelessness, etc, and then think to myself, "well, I think there's something I wanted to look at on the forum....", at which point I'd surf around aimlessly for an hour or two. Not a very productive way to operate.

Some monsters diminish once you confront them. For a week or more I had dreams/nightmares in which I was feeling pressured into intimacies when my heart wasn't in it. The aftertaste of the dreams haunted me during the days. Every night I'd hope to dream of something better or more fulfilling, and it'd be the same theme (along with two others: something bad happening to the goats, and taunting luxuries such as taking a hot shower or opening a fridge or cupboard full of food). Then it happened that I found myself in such a situation, was able to deal with it and voila, the nightmares ended.

It isn't so much that I want to be alone, in spite of the value I have for solitude. Have you ever seen something beautiful and turned to say 'look!', only to find an empty space at your a good book and wished you could savor it with someone else who could appreciate it...eaten a meal or a treat and finding that it lacked an essential ingredient- a companion to eat it with...taken a blow and been unable to share the pain of it with anyone...doubted yourself and not have someone you trust to refute or confirm it...had a question and grown tired of your own answers...met a challenge or acheived something, without someone to smile and say- well, I knew you could do that...wanted a hug and found only your own hollow, aching chest.....

Believe it or not, one can feel that way in the presence of other people, surrounded by people day and night. I find it unbearable. Better by far to actally *be* alone than surrounded by reminders of what should/could be and isn't. There are some who seem to be able to fill the gap with virtually any other person, and for whom my nightmares probably wouldn't have been that unsettling. I can't do that. For them, people are like bricks; all about the same, pretty much interchangable, and there are heaps of them. For me, it's more like a jigsaw puzzle- each piece is unique; the absence of a piece can't be compensated for by another. No...there are too many pieces in a puzzle. More like trying to paint a picture without any blue paint- no blue, no green, no can still paint the picture but it's distinctly less satisfying.

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