Friday, October 31, 2003

This morning's dreams were no better; in fact they were worse. I think I'm losing my mind. And always, a side of me asks if it wouldn't be better to relent, to give in. But then, there is this shadowy awareness of something *else* and I'm too stubborn, for in the dreams, along with the realization of there being a vague something or someone comes a sense of importance attached to it. It's sort of like I forget what it is, or why it's important, but it's still there, unseen and powerful, and I have to remember and.....searching for the right words....retain this awareness and a respect for it....or otherwise something vital will be lost and an irreversible change will occur.

It's sort of unfortunate that in my mind I can become so stubborn that I remain so even after I've forgotten exactly what the point was in the first though the stubbornness begins to exist for it's own sake. That doesn't really apply in this case, not exactly...but it seems sort of pointless anyway.

So seeing things clearly now- through cynical, bitter eyes, knowing myself to be beyond hope, beyond warmth, having little more to lose that wouldn't be lost otherwise, the path lies straight and apparent. I've been here before, at these same crossroads- younger, more foolhardy, riskier. This time, I'll do what I should have done then, twelve years ago. And the madman in my mind shakes the bars and screams "twelve years, twelve years!!!" It's about all he ever says.. But the rational cooly turns away and remarks- twelve years, one year, three years, time doesn't matter now or ever.

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