Today's weird idea: they should make a watch that's a very thin patch which fastens with a waterproof adhesive to the skin. It should derive it's power from the pulsing of the veins on the inner side of the wrist. It wouldn't need batteries and it wouldn't fail until one died (and at that point, who cares if it quits oiperating for awhile? Besides, it would be a handy indicator of the time of death).

Two songs for today:white flag hello

Today's gripe (should be: "today's weird gripe"): Why is it that men have a word for their arousal- erections- and there is no suitable corresponding word for women? Men get engorged. So do women. I'm assuming that it can an uncomfortable state for them, as it is for women. It can be almost painful. I guess the fact that we don't have anything visible sticking out makes it less legitimate somehow. *Irk*!!!

I've moved to the new place. It's nice and quiet, peaceful. It's nice to have my own space and to be able to arrange matters in my own way.

Bad thoughts: I think it would be funny if soemone crossed a Shar Pewi with a Dachschund. That would be hilarious.

I had another one- oh, darn. I can't remember it right now. Dang.

Well, that was a bit extreme and not at all fair. I discovered that I was wrong, too: My grandma Amy, the one who helped raise me, loves me. She really does. :warm fuzzy nurtured vibes:

So let me restate this: I feel alone.

There may be people who love me, but if I feel so isolated that I can't feel it 99% of the time, what good does it do me? I've always been so different and struggled so hard to try to get people to acknowledge me for what I am, not what they want me to be...Let's face it: I'm kind of weird. Always have been, always will be.

The way people feel about me is largely immaterial, whether they love or hate me, if I can't be reached. If it's a protection, it's also a barrier. I have to feel like someone *understands* me- no illusions, no wishful thoughts about how I could be like other people, there has to be a mental connection; and most of the time, it's lacking.

I used to have a very strong sense of myself, and over many years I've tried to suppress it- to please people, to avoid punishment, to try to win love, worn myself out trying to figure out what they wanted me to be and trying to mold myself into that. The thing is, I was never really secure when they liked me, because I felt like a sham. And you know, I'm sick of it. I want to be myself again, and to hell with what anyone else thinks, because people who don't like you the way you are never really did in the first place anyway.

The other day I was walking through the store- (I think it must have been last Thursday, becasue I was at the store with a client in Sandpoint); and as I passed a case full of cookies with brightly colored frosting on them this thought came to me: I am unloved. There is nobody: family, lover, or otherwise. It stood out spare and bleak as against a flat featureless landscape, a plain fact. I looked at it as if from far away, as if from another person, and the thought was as though it were happening to someone else and I was unmoved....it was like coming across the corpse of something lying alongside the road- you look at it for a moment, you say to yourself, "It is dead" and the reality being what it is, you resume walking.

It sounds rather surreal, and that's the way it felt....

But I think it's probably true. There are people who *need* me, people who *want* me for whatever reason, people who like me, people who find me useful or beneficial to them in some way, there are people who feel a sort of duty towards me, and above all, people who try hard to go through life being kind and good natured towards everyone, so of course they're nice to me. :shrug: But love? I don't think so.

I think it's possible to love someone _and_ to need, want or find them useful, but if you can't love them without that, then it isn't love.

I never really got back about that painting, did I? Well, I'm not done with it yet. And actually, the idea I had sort of evaporated and was replaced by a similar but different one...but whatever. The point is that I felt like killing someone that night and I regained my sanity by painting a picture. If I go too long without enough solitude and no painting or other creative expression, I get that way, particuarly if I'm already stressed. It's abstract. I don't expect anyone will like it. I don't care. I like it.

:Searching brain for other news: I've been researching Georgia O'Keeffe and Aspberger syndrome.

Oh- I came up with this neat and arguably evil idea: one of the main limitations of clothing design is that fact that is has to be fastened to the body, and the shape has to support that requirement. There are all sorts of neat shapes and stuff that simply would not work b/c they'd fall off (or get in the way). Just about everythign functional about clothing is based on the fact that it has to cling to, wrap around, grip, or encase the body, when all clothing really needs to do is to conceal, expose, or warm the body. So I have the solution: what we ned are little skin toned adhesive patches, sort of like the medication patches they sell to stop smoking, diet, etc etc.. but the patch should hold a strong magnet to the body. The clothing can then incorporate magnets at key positions to attach to the one on the body. The magnets could be adjusted to make allowances for size and tailoring. Using this system, garments could be designed that would make the bikini look conservative, and risky (they're pretty bad about falling off). No more bands or belts or pink marks where something was too tight! Goodbye to snaps and straps and zips! No more worrying about a dress sliding down or, for that matter, riding up, if you don't want it to! Well....OK....I'm trying to think of applications for male garments and admittedly, I'm having mental roadblocks....but women would have a heyday with it!

I want to paint or draw....but I cannot come up with a picture to express the way I feel. I try: an image rolls through. Nah....not emphatic enough, not dark enough, not enough contrast there...too blah too soft too bland and half hearted too dull too.....too inadequate. They're all like that, if I can conjure anything at all.

OK wait....that might work. I can try. There is a painting on the wall upstairs that says it...sweeter, keener. It is the only painting that I have _never_ever gotten a comment or compliment on by anyone. They don't understand it. What I want to do now is darker, emptier, more spare bare boned, less bright.... Yeah. I'll give it a whirl. I kind of wish I could post the pictures here.

Need to get a digital camera.