Tuesday, May 11, 2004

Well, that was a bit extreme and not at all fair. I discovered that I was wrong, too: My grandma Amy, the one who helped raise me, loves me. She really does. :warm fuzzy nurtured vibes:

So let me restate this: I feel alone.

There may be people who love me, but if I feel so isolated that I can't feel it 99% of the time, what good does it do me? I've always been so different and struggled so hard to try to get people to acknowledge me for what I am, not what they want me to be...Let's face it: I'm kind of weird. Always have been, always will be.

The way people feel about me is largely immaterial, whether they love or hate me, if I can't be reached. If it's a protection, it's also a barrier. I have to feel like someone *understands* me- no illusions, no wishful thoughts about how I could be like other people, there has to be a mental connection; and most of the time, it's lacking.

I used to have a very strong sense of myself, and over many years I've tried to suppress it- to please people, to avoid punishment, to try to win love, worn myself out trying to figure out what they wanted me to be and trying to mold myself into that. The thing is, I was never really secure when they liked me, because I felt like a sham. And you know, I'm sick of it. I want to be myself again, and to hell with what anyone else thinks, because people who don't like you the way you are never really did in the first place anyway.

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