Sunday, February 26, 2006

I've returned to work now, part time at present. I needed to go back, because I was losing the social skills... I enjoy working, even though it isn't prestigious or even vaguely important. Hey, the world just isn't going to end or even be much affected by a shortage of deep-fried deli food and ready-to-eat-sandwiches. I like the structure and routine, though, I genuinely do. Be nice if they gave me a raise- I haven't had one since I told them I was pregnant.

Ah yes, the baby. Charlie's the last one I'll have, and I don't think I've tried so hard to do everything right since my firstborn. It's like, since he's my very last chance, the very last time I'll hold my own soft, fuzzy headed little guy...I want to make the most of it. I want to nurse him as long as I can, upset him only when really necessary, play him classical music, read books to him, and just generally mess him up as little as possible.

Obviously this conflicts with working. So far, Tim and I have been staggering our schedules so he's always with one of us. This week, he's going to go to daycare for the first time for (gasp!!) about four hours. I've taken care to choose a place where they won't just let him cry, where he'll be held most of the time (I've watched her hold other babies- most places don't do that), and his older siblings go there, too. But I still feel guilty. :-(

When I was a kid, I took it for granted that all women had babies and all women stayed home with their kids, to take care of them. Women who didn't have kids were strange or must hate kids.
As a teen, I held the very arrogant opinion that all women should have children, that birth control was wrong, and not only should the woman stay home with them, but she should home birth, home school, feed the kids only natural home-grown food, and so on.
As a young woman, reality broadsided me, hard. I realized that with many men, if you don't bring in money, you have no status or respect. I felt like livestock, just breeding and feeding.
Now I'm trying to find a balance....and it isn't easy.

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