I've decided that I don't ever want to grow old (as in, old enough to lose my independence). I don't care if people love and visit me or not. I don't ever, ever want to live in an old folk's home (spare me the pretty sounding labels, it is what it is). I thought old folks physically attacked the nurses because they were senile. Heck, has anyone considered that maybe they're just really pissed off about being where they're at? I mean, is that a possibility? Most of them seem to have broken hearts and broken spirits, like they've stoppped caring, stopped seeing, stopped thinking. Put me down like an old dog that you love, but *don't* abandon me in some antiseptic hellhole, even a nice one. I don't want to ever see a mental hospital...I'm sure that I would have nightnmares for years fearing that some moron would send me to one for my "disease".

Um, yeah, OK. So, as you can see, the job isn't exactly a perfect fit for me. I'm going to have to try to make it work though, because I am frankly too stressed to look for anything else. I guess I'll try to go ahead and take the phlebotomy classes in the summer. Wait- do they need to be empathetic, too? Is empathy something that I can fake or role play if I script it? People are constantly telling me that I seem nice or "sweet" (that's a laugh), etc, so I think that I must not look as cold as I feel. I'm nice to the goats when I do stuff (tattooing, disbudding, etc)to them, so maybe I could translate that to people.

See, this is what I'm talking about. I try and I try to find a place where I fit like a puzzle piece, and instead, I don't fit anywhere. I have to pretend that I fit when I'm actually more of a chameleon, and it sucks. I'm tired of having to pretend, or having to try hard not to flap or stim or makes strange sounds. Deal with it! You people do all sorts of stuff that makes absolutely no sense to me, like asking me how I am and then walking away before I can answer, or wearing really uncomfortable clothing, or caring more about what a person looks like than who they really are, or intimidating people who haven't even done anything wrong yet, and I have to deal with it even though it drives me crazy, even when it's actually hurting or confusing me. Most of the stuff I do is just strange, it doesn't hurt anyone.

I'm going to spend my whole life looking for a place where I can just relax and be what I am, and it isn't going to happen. Cripes.

Back to the old folks again, I sort of wonder about the whole empathy thing. I wonder if normal people actually care, or if they are just awfully good at pretending that they care? If they truly care, how can they endure it? Because I, being autistic and supposedly lacking in empathy and theory of mind, am driven to distraction by things that I observe (in the way of treatment of other people). If they are so superior in their empathy, then how in the hell can they stand it? It seems that if I'm bothered by it, their own reaction would be even more, but that isn't at all what I see. This makes absolutely no sense at all to me.