Wednesday, April 09, 2008

I got moved out. Tim had left a lot (a LOT!) of junk, including toxic waste, behind, and I just wasn't able to dispose of it all, so I do feel bad about that. Moreover, he made a big deal over wanting his stuff back, but conveniently left behind most of his stuff, and merely high-graded it. Why, WHY, was it my responsibility to get rid of the stuff he didn't want? It wasn't. The snow didn't help (large snowdrift obstructing doorways and access to the place) and neither did the huge ponderosa pine which was felled and then just left there, blocking half the driveway. I had to climb over its limbs, which were treacherously covered with mounds of snow, in order to get the stuff out of the shed. Alright, so I'm sounding defensive....because I do feel guilty. :sigh:

School...some mistake, mine, the software's, or the teacher's, has been made. The software shows my grades as being 91%, the teacher says I have a D. I've been working really hard, I don't comprehend how I could have a D. I emailed the instructor. I am so upset over this.

The tomato seedlings are pressed eagerly against the grow lights. We also have some which are still germinating. The largest plants have flowerbuds already, and outside....snow. Egad. Perhaps I'll have to plant them in large pots or buckets.

The custody battle: another thing which is tying my stomach in knots. I have no illusions about my being the world's most perfect parent. Unlike the child's father, at least I'm honest on this point, but on the other hand, I don't have a history of nearly killing the poor kid, either. I also have a spotlessly clean criminal record and no history of drug or alcohol abuse, or even cigarettes. I love my child and have taken pains to get him the medical treatment, diagnosis, and therapy he needs, as well as making an ongoing effort to strive for improvement and continually look for ways in which we can help him realize his full potential (he has Asperger's too). That doesn't seem to be enough...or maybe I'm feeling defensive...again.

You can't win by playing the defensive position, yet that's how I go through life, always scared, always on the defense, constantly apprehensive over one thing or the other. I know better than this from playing chess, from showing goats, from everything I've done well in, actually. Yet, isn't the fear what drives me? Every failure or shortcoming I've ever made replays itself over and over again in my mind, perpetually. It's why I feel anxious, it's why I try so hard, it's why I feel defensive, and it's why very few people can harm me with criticism- their wounds are never as deep as the ones I inflict every day upon myself, so quietly, so privately. They think I'm oblivious, dreamy, content....they don't know....that behind that mask there's a very active and continual refining process at work. The question is never one of not knowing my faults; it's of where to begin today, which part of the puzzle to solve first.

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