Saturday, October 02, 2010

Haven't posted in a while. Life has been kind of traumatic the past few weeks. That's what happens when you take people at face value, even people you thought you knew. At some point, I'll learn... At any rate, I don't want to get into the details right now.

I do find it amazing though, that I can cease to believe in the concept of a personal god, and somehow still manage to cherish this flickering flame of a hope that someday, if I wait long enough, if I do the right things, I might find the right person. That it could be someone I've known and somehow overlooked all along, or who knows, someone I'll meet next week or next year.

I have no actual basis for thinking that this could really occur. I mean, I've believed it ever since I could remember, sheltering that idea in my small child's chest and throughout the years of subsequent pain and disillusionment. What on earth gives me the idea that this could really happen? Everything I've experienced seems to point to the contrary, and yet this belief persists.

I suppose it could be that the alternative is too awful to consider?

It isn't about codependency like so many people seem to think, either. Solitude is not all that bad; in fact, I sort of crave it at times. I think it is just that I would like for there to be one, just one, person that I can really count on and share my soul with and trust, one person that I can relate to deeply instead of this shallow, superficial crap everyone else seems to spew.

Out of the billions of people out there, there has got to be one person like this that I can find. There has to be.

On the other hand, it might take a really long time to find them, so in the meantime, it behooves me to do whatever else makes life worthwhile and meaningful. Just in case....

1 comment:

Carrie said...

I am SO right there with you. I might have had the same inner conversation at least every other day.

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