Feeling somewhat better today, except that my living situation has gone downhill and short of being homeless, there are no good solutions for it right now. Someday, I want a place to live that's secure, a place in life that isn't conditional, to be able to plant things and know that I'll be there long enough to harvest them.

My blog paints such a depressing picture; the truth is that generally speaking, my life has never been easy. As time has gone on, the many traumas have built up to the point where I'm getting triggered nearly every day, particularly in regard to anything relating to loss or rejection. My reactions are always out of proportion to the event itself, because it's not just the event or comment that I'm upset about, it's every horrible thing that I just got reminded of. All these horrible things happened, and it seems as though I'm suddenly being asked to have faith that this time, things are better and nothing horrible will happen. Alas, reliving trauma, being in a triggered state, isn't rational, and at that point, my rational mind has been completely overruled, however much I might need or want for it to be there.

I wish, that when I get like that, instead of trying to reason with me (impossible), he'd just hold me, tell me I'm having an anxiety attack and that it will be over soon. He always tries to speak sensibly to me, which is pretty much an exercise in frustration for us both, at least as long as I'm triggered. However- after all this shit, all this raw pain, he never runs away or dumps me, and a lot of men, lesser men, would. When the nightmare fades, he's still there. Sometimes I wonder why he tolerates it at all, and in the end, the only conclusion I can come up with is that he must actually care about me.