Saturday, August 09, 2003

I've been looking for a picture on the computer, and somebody moved it. :snarl: I know it's here somewhere. It doesn't matter. I've got a practically photographic memory. All the same...irritating! A person can become accustomed to physical objects being moved (mostly by children), but you still expect things to stay where there are, here, at least I do.

Anyway, moving on to other subjects; on Monday we'll be getting a pony in exchange for boarding a pair of goats that I just sold a few months ago. It's only a year old, so it will need several years of time and work before it can be ridden. Right now it's no bigger than one of the goats. I've wanted a horse for some time, but if the kids were to ride it, it has to be tame and gentle. This way I'll be able to do that myself and there will be no bad habits to break. I actually wanted one that I could ride, but there's not really time for that now. Someday...there are a lot of things I'd like to do someday. If I don't start on it none of them will ever happen.

Some aquaintances with a whole herd of children are getting a divorce, and it's been really messy. She calls the cops on him, he denies charges, they go to court, it's a real disaster. I can understand that it's not always possible for two people to get along for their entire life together. What I don't get is why they have to end that time in such an angry, negative way. I mean, why don't they just sit down and say, 'this isn't working anymore, we've had some good times togther, let's part as friends' ? Particularly when there are children involved, why does there have to be such an excess of hatred? I suppose they're defensive. Divorce still carries a stigma and each party wants to blame it on the other person. Or, maybe they postpone the parting until they absolutely, positively cannot stand the sight of one another and are *really* angry and bitter. Waiting one is overwhelmed with irrational rage and emotion to make a life changing deecision seems very unwise, but that seems to be the way it's done more often than not. :-/

What else...we finally got an amplifier for the record player. It's laughable- everyone else is out getting the latest technology and here I am buying up old Peter, Paul and Mary albums. Having bought them, I needed a way to play them and two years later, I can. There are also some classical records including one of Bach. I put it on today- talk about a blast from the past. I recognized almost every piece, I'd heard them since birth and quite possibly before. My dad is a musician. My earliest memories of him are of his music, of him practicing the organ while he played in the church balcony. As the music played, I could hear the soft flapping of the pipes in the little room they occupied, smell their scent, the scent of music, feel the vibrations of sound through my body. It took it all for granted then. It was a part of my life and at times I grew very tired of it. I miss it now. When other people play the piano or organ, I just smile and nod. They're good, but not like dad. Other people's music is jumbled, emotional, the notes mess and slop against one another. When he played, it was like the sound of mathematics, every note clear, clean, precise. The notes were brilliant, they didn't just pile up against one's conciousness like a pile of debris. He played a lot of Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven, but I think more Bach than the others. The highest compliment I can pay a piano or organ player is that they sound like my dad, and it's funny because in his mind he's not good enough. I miss his music, and I miss him. Unfortunately we don't seem to get along well enough to spend very much time together. I'm too opinionated, too strong, too unconventional. Regardless, nobody can substitute for him.

And that's the way I am: within me there are compartments, and once a part of me is set aside for someone, nobody else can fill that place. Is everyone like that? Maybe I'm just more stubborn and adamant about it than most folks. Will have to think about this.

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